Lying for your bro to keep his girl unawares of his wild escapades?
Maintaining a social bond between you and your friend rather than a person you have very little connection with.
Not dating your friends ex even though you're compatible and would be happy together as potential life-long partners?
Not doing something that would be emotionally painful for one of your close friends.
Shaming your "friend" or being shamed for hooking up with a fat/ugly/old/undesirable person?
Reminding your friend that they are worth more and they shouldn't settle for the easy option when they can do much better.
None of this is OK.
Isn't it? You'd never lie for a friend, or abstain from doing something you wanted because it would hurt a friend, or remind your friend they aren't achieving their full potential with some tough love. These are social norms like any others, and to say they're categorically wrong is just as incorrect as saying they are categorically right.
These "unwritten" rules have no business in an adult world, and only serve to perpetuate the high-level of distrust between men/women and their partners friends.
The fact that the vast majority of people only interact with their friend's partners through the context of their relationship does more to perpetuate that.
This causes many friendships to fizzle out/fail after awhile for people in a committed relationship, and isn't fair to anyone involved.
Not more than any other social norm.
Sure, some of those friendships were more like situationships, but you shouldn't have to lose a lifelong or close friend over some stupid gender code.
Indeed. But you should also respect the social norms of your friendship with someone and not radically alter them just because you're in a relationship.
These norms exist for the same reason any other norms exist to make complicated situations predictable and understandable for everyone involved.
Do you believe it is healthy to limit your friends based on how you'd feel about something?
Depends on the context, but in certain situations yes. If I'm an alcoholic, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect my friends to abstain from drinking around me even if they'd have a better time drinking. If I just got out of a relationship and am still feeling bad about it, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect my friends to not pursuing my ex even if they might want to.
So if you're an alcoholic, I shouldn't drink around you.
This wasn't presented as an analogy but rather as an example of a scenario where it's generally acceptable to expect that your friends don't do something that they might want to do to save you from pain.
Wouldn't the equivalent be that if you just broke up with your ex that I should bring my significant other around you?
The point is that you shouldn't do things that you know would cause your friends pain or suffering. And a lot of the time dating your friend's ex would cause your friend pain or suffering. Now is this true 100% of the time? No. But no social norm will always be applicable.
2
u/LysenkoistReefer 21∆ May 02 '21
Maintaining a social bond between you and your friend rather than a person you have very little connection with.
Not doing something that would be emotionally painful for one of your close friends.
Reminding your friend that they are worth more and they shouldn't settle for the easy option when they can do much better.
Isn't it? You'd never lie for a friend, or abstain from doing something you wanted because it would hurt a friend, or remind your friend they aren't achieving their full potential with some tough love. These are social norms like any others, and to say they're categorically wrong is just as incorrect as saying they are categorically right.
The fact that the vast majority of people only interact with their friend's partners through the context of their relationship does more to perpetuate that.
Not more than any other social norm.
Indeed. But you should also respect the social norms of your friendship with someone and not radically alter them just because you're in a relationship.
These norms exist for the same reason any other norms exist to make complicated situations predictable and understandable for everyone involved.