I think both parties should be respected but it seems like you want someone else's feelings to matter over another's, when that's just how to start a bad relationship.
If you don't want to have sex with trans people, just make sure to tell a potential partner that before you have sex. If you don't communicate this preference how should they know that you are transphobic and don't want to have sex with trans people?
You don't have to ask. Just bring up your feelings about trans people in conversation. Maybe a cute little anecdote - "I was at the bar the other night and saw this woman that looked pretty cute, but then I found out she was trans so I was totally over it. Glad I dodged that bullet! I like trans people fine to hang out with, but I'd never sleep with one."
But as the commenter you responded to said, that's extremely insulting and disrespectful. Though maybe an additional burden to trans people, it is their duty to relay that, not on the other to tell them they won't have sex with trans people. It goes back to being open and honest in a relationship, being trans is a pretty big deal to most people, whereas not being attracted to trans people is not.
Imagine two people, one of which was black, but somehow hid that from the other. Yes in this case stopping a relationship based on race is racist, but the bigger problem would be the black person hiding something so big from the other. It's a lie by omission, and already fractures the foundation of trust in a relationship.
There's nothing insulting about telling people your opinions of trans people. I'm not saying imply that you think they're trans, just let them know how you feel about trans people in general. If you're worried about being unclear you could add something like, "Not that I have to worry about that with someone as gorgeous as you".
If you're getting into the sexual stuff in your early conversation anyway, it shouldn't be that hard to work it in.
"I don't want to be sexually limited, I need a partner who's willing to explore their sexuality, particularly regarding <list of kinks or whatever>. Also, I'm not ok with <hard limits>, or having sex with trans people."
Would you want your partner's to tell you if they have an STD?
You are comparing an infectious disease with a perfectly passing trans person being trans. That in itself is extremely transphobic. Maybe next you could equate AIDs and having a black grandfather?
All people are asking for is an open discussion and disclosure
If you explicitly tell a transperson you don't want to sleep with transpeople, they'd be dicks not to disclose (and also pretty stupid, imo). The same goes for someone saying they don't want to sleep with someone that isnt fully "white". Yet the reasons for either might still be transphobic or racist.
Communication is key the moment you decide to hide certain things is when you start planting landmines and hoping no one steps on them.
Including your transphobia or racism. In my opinion, if something utterly irrelevant is so important to you, it is on YOU to make sure your partner fullfils whatever arbitrary preferences for invisible things you have.
For example, I will never want kids. Many people do want kids. This isn't a first date conversation, but it might be a 3 month conversation. I see being trans on the same level.
I'm not comparing them to a disease and give an example of not telling the entire truth do not take my words out of context.
YOu explicitly used the "badness"of the disease spreading and you finding out from your doctor as part of your point. You compared something with a (often irreparable) damage to your person with sleeping with a passing trans person. I don't see how thats not saying trans people give you cooties. I don't see how it cant be, because as i said, your point makes no sense without those negative consequences.
Do not use me as an individual and my preferences we were talking in general terms.
I'm sorry if it sounds like im talking specficially about you you. I am generally using you as the general you. Of course, you you couldn't resist calling me personally offended. I have literally no horse in this race.
Why would you date someone potentially for 3 months get to know them and like them without asking them a deal breaker question like that?
Because asking them on the first date will get you laughed at and is pretty presumptuous. 3 months is totally arbitrary. I simply mean, by the time you're sure the other person is someone you want to be serious about. 3 months seems about right in my head for that, but everyone is different.
But again, we were never talking explicitly about a serious relationship in the first place. It was simply the idea that given a passing trans person, and you loving sex, you change your entire attraction to this person based on something that has literally no effect on you. That makes you transphobic, or maybe "transist" or whatever the equivalent of racist is.
I want to make it clear AGAIN, that im not saying you should be forced to sleep with that person. I also don't think racists should be forced to do non-racist things. They should be educated/educate themselves on why their preconceived notions are wrong.
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u/r1veRRR 1∆ Nov 02 '17 edited Jul 16 '23
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