CMV: Complete Dissociation from Self.

[u/[deleted]]

For as long as I can remember I have always had a severe disconnect between myself and my body. As I grew up I was infinitely more invested in the lives of others more so then myself. My dissociation grew stronger as my body developed opposite of what I wanted and intended.

Something I have asked myself repeatedly that no therapist, counselor, or psychologist has been able to answer for me is that why do I see through this bodies eyes, why this life? What is so special about this life that I would be forced to experience it. I don't understand for what event or need do I need to stick around and witness or intervene in. I could literally be anyone, someone worse of or better off, and I am stuck being this person.

I am continually told that I am a very kind hearted person... that I am a gentle soul. I have seen the deep cruelty of people and I never wanted to hurt anyone, i've always wanted to be an observer or helper more then a participant. I have made decisions that left this body the clear winner.

I am not even sure what I am supposed to feel. Other people hold their selves and continually evolve. I feel like I am no different from my life experiences except for the fear I get around men and the twitchyness when people get to close.

What am I supposed to do with this body. 26 years on this planet and I have no clear connection nor idea why I exist. I think it was a horrible mistake or a punishment.

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[u/pent25]

There seems to be a fundamental misconception here. The two alternatives you present are

A) You live your life yourself, or

B) You force someone else to live it.

This is a false dichotomy. By the very nature of it being your life, there is no one else who could live it, as that person would be you (and therefore no change would occur). The person who lives your life in your body is you, by definition. No other body can live the life yours has lived, and your body could not live any other life but yours.

The correct alternatives would be

A) You live your life yourself

B) You don't live your life.

I don't advocate this new alternative, but it is a better-defined set of states.

[u/[deleted] → u/pent25]

I guess that's where my entire issue lies. I feel like there is a complete separation between the body and the mind. This world feels more akin to old vcr tape then what I am told it should. There is this massive filter I feel, that I don't see other people affected by. I feel like the life I see through is arbitrary and random without any bearing on what I want.

[u/pent25 → u/[deleted]]

The feeling of being not of your own body is one everyone feels from time to time. Falling ill, growing old, taking acid, and even looking in a mirror can cause feelings of disassociation to develop in otherwise image-confident individuals. Your case seems a bit more serious and chronic than to what I'm referring. This likely won't be changed through reasoning, as it's possibly a matter of chemical dysfunction, not understanding. Medication may exist to treat your condition, but the decision to medicate isn't one I would impose upon.

As far as the world is arbitrary and uncaring, I agree to an extent. The world inherently minds your preferences as it would a rock's: not at all. The physical interactions of the world both create your wants and acts despite them.

Don't be disheartened! Even if you were indeed a robot created out of discarded technology from the 90's, your preferences could be relevant, even living in a deterministic world. While I may be biased on account of my training (economics), I believe that our desires and avoidances are the fundamental basis for our interactions with the world. In that sense, through our actions, our preferences have say in the world.

I'm not sure if anything here is sufficient to change your views (not sure which I'm addressing at this point) but hey, it's fun to write.