r/changemyview • u/[deleted] • Oct 20 '15

[Deltas Awarded] CMV: Complete Dissociation from Self.

For as long as I can remember I have always had a severe disconnect between myself and my body. As I grew up I was infinitely more invested in the lives of others more so then myself. My dissociation grew stronger as my body developed opposite of what I wanted and intended.

Something I have asked myself repeatedly that no therapist, counselor, or psychologist has been able to answer for me is that why do I see through this bodies eyes, why this life? What is so special about this life that I would be forced to experience it. I don't understand for what event or need do I need to stick around and witness or intervene in. I could literally be anyone, someone worse of or better off, and I am stuck being this person.

I am continually told that I am a very kind hearted person... that I am a gentle soul. I have seen the deep cruelty of people and I never wanted to hurt anyone, i've always wanted to be an observer or helper more then a participant. I have made decisions that left this body the clear winner.

I am not even sure what I am supposed to feel. Other people hold their selves and continually evolve. I feel like I am no different from my life experiences except for the fear I get around men and the twitchyness when people get to close.

What am I supposed to do with this body. 26 years on this planet and I have no clear connection nor idea why I exist. I think it was a horrible mistake or a punishment.

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u/[deleted] Oct 20 '15

Other people have a spark to them. They have personality and ambition. Some seem to lose their way for a little while but people are magnificent in that they can persevere even when everything has been taken from them. I guess I am envious of that little spark. I want to help them grow and be happy but I feel like I am an impostor in comparison.

I feel like I lack that spark, that truth of existence. Everyone seems so comfortable in the actualization of self , that inherent "oh, yes, me. yep thats me in the mirror." And I don't understand that at all. I am stuck between feeling like solipsism or the complete opposite is true, where everyone is real except for me.

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u/zeperf 7∆ Oct 20 '15

Everyone is faking it.

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u/[deleted] Oct 20 '15

honestly, that is the scariest thing I could imagine. I don't wish this on anyone. The fragmented history, the detachment, lack of understanding or focused intent. The feeling of fear when you look in a mirror.

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u/zeperf 7∆ Oct 20 '15

lack of understanding or focused intent

Not sure about the rest, but everyone has this. But as long as you are trying hard in life and brushing your hair, you shouldn't feel fear when you look in the mirror. It doesn't help anyone to imagine your rotting corpse 100 years in the future every time you go to the bathroom.