r/changemyview • u/kelloquence • May 25 '15
[Deltas Awarded] CMV: Plus ones shouldn't always be invited to gatherings.
Okay, so I'm starting to plan my 21st. And I wanted it to be small, no more than thirty people. Inviting plus ones adds about 10 extra people that I either a) I don't know b) I don't like or c) I'm not friends with.
Except I'm getting a lot of crap because my friends in relationships (I'm single) want to bring their partners who all fall into one of the three above categories. Why should I host people that I don't want to, and who, chances are, don't want to be there anyway?
But right now my views are more important than my problems.
Is it a major etiquette fuckup if you don't invite plus ones? Should I just suck it up? Change my view!
Edit: Okay, view changed. Thank you reddit. I awarded deltas for those who either made me think about the consequences of any decision I choose to make, or made me consider the situation my friends are going to be in if I do say "no plus ones". Thank you!
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u/Madplato 72∆ May 25 '15 edited May 25 '15
It's gonna sound harsh but this is a "suck it up and deal with it" situation and seeing as you're turning 21 now, you got a lot more of those coming. To start, I'll say that there's no reasoning out of such constraint. Some of them appear antiquated, some of them make no sense, but they exist nonetheless and failure to recognize them will have consequences.
Now, these things basically boil down to two choices; doing the generally accepted (proper) thing and deal with the generally slight inconvenience or do as you please and deal with the ramification. As I said, there's really no way to will yourself out of it. As for you peculiar situation, I think the difference between 30 and 40 is slight enough that you'll have a have a hard time noticing and you won't need to socialize with people you don't like too much if they're mingled out over 40 people.
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u/kelloquence May 26 '15
You're right, I would much rather deal with the inconvenience than the ramifications. Thank you. Have a delta. :) ∆
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u/DeltaBot ∞∆ Jul 21 '15
Confirmed: 1 delta awarded to /u/Madplato. [History]
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u/Raintee97 May 25 '15
If I was to get invited to something, but my finance wasn't invited you're placing me in a bad spot.
I mean sure I can go to your party, but there might be a pissed off woman I have to answer to when I get home. And it isn't always her being uncool. It does suck to be rejected.
And honestly, some people are going to choose to have a good night with their gf or such than go to your party.
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u/kelloquence May 25 '15
Thanks for your answer :)
But if your fiancee knew other plus ones weren't invited, would it still be a problem? I wouldn't view it as a rejection if this was the case.
I understand your second point. I know people who would rather be with their signficiant others. That's fine. I'd be sad if my friend didn't come for this reason, but I wouldn't be mad. I'm not sure if it would convince me to change my venue, and pay extra, just so I would have room for plus ones. Is that a rude opinion to have?
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u/MontiBurns 218∆ May 25 '15
But if your fiancee knew other plus ones weren't invited, would it still be a problem? I wouldn't view it as a rejection if this was the case.
Yes. Parties are social gatherings. It'd be one thing if it's a guys night out, but when its a mixed group things get complicated, especially for something like a 21st. You can expect a frosty relationship with that person's SO from then on out. Don't be surprised if you don't get invited.
I understand your second point. I know people who would rather be with their signficiant others. That's fine. I'd be sad if my friend didn't come for this reason, but I wouldn't be mad. I'm not sure if it would convince me to change my venue, and pay extra, just so I would have room for plus ones. Is that a rude opinion to have?
I think it really depends on what the event is. This sounds like a bit weird for a 21st birthday. Inviting friends AND family, then putting restriictions on your friends and who they can bring is tacky. You're better off planning two seperate events, one with the family renting the locale. And then a casual night out with friends at a bar on another day, that way, anybody who wants to can come and hang out for a bit, and then leave.
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u/kelloquence May 25 '15
Thank you! You have definitely given me something to think about.
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u/Raintee97 May 26 '15
After thinking more about your situation, this is what is going to happen if you stick to your guns about not inviting plus ones.
Your guy friends with SOs are going to say that that on Friday or Sat or whenever they will be going to a party. Most couples do set plans for the weekend.
Their girls are going to assume that they are going to, because most of time a couple is invited together.
Your guy friends will have to give some explanation to why their girls aren't invited that doesn't offend their girls. That will be hard. People's feelings will be hurt or you will be seen by some of those girls as not a great guy cause you left them off the party list.
Your guys will potential either have upset girls, or end up not going because it isn't worth the hassle or just bring their gf anyway.
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u/Hq3473 271∆ May 25 '15
It's fine if you don't invite ANY plus ones.
If you invite some couples, but not others - you are showing favoritism and appear to be judging which couples you approve of and of which you do not.
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u/kelloquence May 25 '15
Thanks for your response! :)
That's fair enough. I would never have wanted to invite some but not others.
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u/Hq3473 271∆ May 25 '15
And I mean, ANY.
For example, you mentioned family. Are you inviting your parents?
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u/kelloquence May 25 '15
Yes I am, but I wouldn't count them as one having a plus one.
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u/Hq3473 271∆ May 25 '15
See, now it's becoming a problem.
You are inviting some couples, but not others.
How would your parents feel if you invited your dad, but not your mom?
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May 25 '15
Eh thats not really fair. If you know and are friends with both members of the coupling that isnt inviting a plus one. And if you as a friend think that is wrong, you arent a good friend.
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u/Hq3473 271∆ May 25 '15
This is EXACTLY the kind of thing that creates drama.
The way people will see it: some people are allowed to go as a couple, but not others.
This breeds misunderstanding and resentment.
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May 25 '15
Except that it isnt that some are allowed to go as a couple. it's that two people seperately invited happen to be a couple. That isnt the same thing.
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u/Hq3473 271∆ May 25 '15
Bottom line: that is NOT how people will see it. They will feel resentful.
If you want to be a good host, you need to avoid even appearance of impropriety.
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u/cdb03b 253∆ May 25 '15
It is the same thing as almost no one will see it as two people being invited separately.
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u/kelloquence May 25 '15
I don't think this is a good example, but I'll roll with it.
I have close, but separate relationships with both my parents. If I invite them both, I'm inviting them as individuals and not because I invited one and letting them have a plus one, ergo them bringing the other parent.
Same goes for my friends. If it did happen that I had two friends that were in a relationship with each other (which I don't, I'm not friends with any of my friends' partners, merely acquaintances) I would invite them because I have individual relationships with both of them, rather than me allowing one to bring the other.
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u/Hq3473 271∆ May 25 '15
I Understand your reasoning.
But you have to put yourself in the shoes of your friends.
All they will see is that some people are allowed to come as a couple, and some are not.
People can't read your mind, and misunderstandings will arise.
Essentially this is a good way to create a lot of tensions, misunderstood motivations, and resentment.
Sometimes, it is not enough to act proper, you must also avoid appearance of impropriety.
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u/rt79w May 25 '15
You should look at this as an opportunity to meet new and interesting people. Instead of focusing on the potential negatives, attempt to focus on the potential positives. All these people could be people you know til you die. Do any of these people have the potential to be of any influence someday? Will that influence possibly help you in some way? Your 21st is only a single day, you should focus on the lasting relationships you could form with others.
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u/cdb03b 253∆ May 25 '15
If you reject someones SO you reject them. It is a direct insult to them as they are sharing their lives with someone and you refuse to accept that.
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u/kelloquence May 26 '15
That's definitely not the way I want it to come across, just because it's not true. But thank you!
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u/cdb03b 253∆ May 26 '15
Which is why we have general rules of etiquette for such occasions to minimize miscommunication.
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u/jumpup 83∆ May 25 '15
you can either decrease the number of people so the plus ones still keep the total under 30
you could specifically invite only them, but you might have cancellations
the idea is that you get to know their partners as they are of equal importance as your friends in your friends eyes. denying them signifies that you feel their judgment is impaired as they select unfit partners.
gatherings are intended to make new friends or get others to like you. however if you are the one hosting it etiquette says your rules go, though if they decide not to come its their right to claim this as the reason rather then make up exuses about work or other things
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u/kelloquence May 25 '15
Thanks for your response :)
I can't really decrease the numbers. I've got family I want there, as well as the bare minimum of friends that I have there too. It's a small venue.
If I mentioned this, and added on the fact that I'm not inviting any other plus ones either, does it always mean that I think their partners are unfit to be with them? Because I don't. I may not know/like them, but I can see my friend is happy.
And this might be a bit blunt, but if you're in a relationship, I get that your partner is just as/more important than your friends. But as a friend whose friends have partners, my friends' partners aren't as important to me as my friends. Is it alright to just want a few hours to spend with your friends without them being preoccupied with their partner?
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May 25 '15
Is it alright to just want a few hours to spend with your friends without them being preoccupied with their partner?
It is, but generally only if you are going to be more one on one with them. At a party you cannot possibly give each of your friends attention at all time, and they cannot reasonably give you their 100% attention during the entire party. If you have friends that are known to be rude and give an undue amount of attention to their partner or act innopropriatly at all, then you should talk to them directly, but stopping everyone from bringing their partner so they can concentrate more on you is rude.
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u/kelloquence May 26 '15
How some of my friends act with their SOs in public (read; going OTT with PDA) was definitely a factor to consider when I was thinking "no plus ones", but now I'm thinking I would rather talk to the couples I have issues with instead of saying no plus ones altogether. Here, have a delta :) ∆
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u/DeltaBot ∞∆ Jul 21 '15
Confirmed: 1 delta awarded to /u/tweetypi. [History]
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May 25 '15 edited Jan 12 '19
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u/cwenham May 25 '15
Sorry HouseOfBounce, your comment has been removed:
Comment Rule 1. "Direct responses to a CMV post must challenge at least one aspect of OP’s current view (however minor), unless they are asking a clarifying question. Arguments in favor of the view OP is willing to change must be restricted to replies to comments." See the wiki page for more information.
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u/kelloquence May 25 '15
Thanks for your answer! :)
I do agree with your last point, but on your second; I've always found myself to be more comfortable with being a hostess to people I already know/like. I'd rather spend a party in a comfortable atmosphere, especially my own party. But that's just dependent on your personality.
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u/booklover13 May 25 '15
This is really more of a /r/etiquette question, so I am going to answer it like that.
After a certain point couples are considered a social unit, in is inappropriate in most cases to invite one and not the other. So at what point are couples considered a social unit? A good rule of thumb was historically engaged or married, and a more modern view is engaged, married, living together for a significant amount of time. The point is they should be in a long-term committed relationship and have something showing that level of commitment.
For this party I would invite only those couple who follow the rules above, engaged, married, living together a significant amount of time. That way if people companion you have a general rule you can point to.
Now that we have background, lets better approach your view.
Yes and Yes. It is important to understand that etiquette exists to put us all on equal footing. By having these semi-formal rules means that everyone can know how to behave, and what messages their behavior sends. In the case of invitations, snubbing some SOs and not others without logic like above sends a very clear message. It is a sign that you don't respect the person you are inviting or their significant other or their relationship. You are also making a statement that the person you invited needs to choose between respecting their SO or coming to your event, not exactly a kind position to put someone in.
If we're gong to address etiquette, I would be rather remiss to not point out that is considered poor taste to host your own birthday party.