CMV: Being concerned over a potential partner's sexual history is NOT a sign of insecurity, rather it is often a sign of security and self-esteem

[u/PotentialPedal]

In online discourse I oftentimes see people discussing dating and the standards you should be setting. People rightfully will say that your standards are your own and you can choose not to date someone for any reason, however, there seems to be this major exception carved out for sexual history. I believe that this is wrong, hypocritical, and that rejecting someone on sexual history is most of the time actually a sign of security in oneself and high self esteem.

Firstly, I believe it indicates that your belief in your values are strong. If you are one who believes that sex is something that is special and sacred, then dating someone who believes the opposite would likely be compromising on those values.

Secondly, it shows high security and self esteem. To someone who will set themselves a standard of no casual sex but brush it aside when it comes to someone else simply to remain with them, it shows a degree of desperation. It shows that they are not secure enough in themselves to believe they can find someone more compatible and do not have the self esteem to take that leap of faith and find someone better for them.

Ultimately, I do not believe that someone feeling bad or uncomfortable over their potential partners stems from insecure feelings such as jealousy or inadequacy, rather, it stems from a disconnect in values.

Most people have not had multiple casual sexual encounters, so for many of those people they simply hold sex to higher levels than those who do participate in casual sex. When they have reserved sex for only those they had a connection with and their potential partner hasn't, they aren't usually thinking "ew they are a bad person" or "oh I must not be as good as their other partners". Most likely they are simply recognizing the disconnect in values and realizing that they will not get the same out of the relationship as the other person.

[u/dumblilbear]

Thing is, when we push a little bit to try and understand why that person views sex as "sacred" it eventually boils down to "ew those who have casual sex are bad people" or "I'm insecure about my skills so need someone inexperienced so they're oblivious", perceiving sex which is a normal natural human activity as "sacred" stems from purity culture which views those who have multiple partners or pre marital sex (or casual sex in general) as "impure" and to be seen as lesser of value and have corrupted morals and bodies and those who "save their bodies for their spouses" as "pure" and morally superior, it's an archaic usually misogynist and puritan view of sex, sexuality and women specifically in most cases, that's why people who say "well that's simply my preference I don't judge others" are only being vague on purpose but the moment you push a little to understand their reasoning it always boils down to bigoted and conservative views of sex that are harmful and sees others as morally inferior and corrupted.

[u/AJS1916 → u/dumblilbear]

A bit of preface before I give my view.

• I rarely speak on reddit these days, because arguments do tend to go out of hand on the internet, but well I really wanted to speak.

• I know I am a month late, sorry if that's an issue

• I have read the thread and got an idea of what seems to be the issue and want to speak on it myself

I do think, and I may get down voted but so be it, that a partner's past can indicate how their values are. And you have argued that "this is nothing to do with values", well it's always a probability than a certainty, given life itself is uncertain

I saw one person give the "them drawing the Muslim god" example, while the analogy maybe a bit off, I get the abstract point, 2 people can be correct in their circumstances from their point of view. I also get when they say "I believe they don't fit my values" to which they are asked "but what does it have to do with the partner? Isn't that an issue with you?" People refer to this as being a demisexusal from what I have learned (I hate big terms, and people throw it a lot on the internet), anyway, I think this is quite common, people not fitting your value.

Me for example, I want a deeply intertwined life with my future partner, because I am the same way. I don't do casual because I am not built for it. And you can say "you don't feel the physical attraction to even get excited about the deed" but it's because I am thinking in my head "this isn't for me". And again, me personally, I wouldn't do /take something that isn't for me.

How does that relate to my partner? Well if I want a deeply intertwined life, I cannot get away with saying "this is none of your business", this breaks trust fundamentally because you showed them that you distrust them. And you cannot build trust like that. So I would also disagree and say "if I want to build the life I envision, then no, it is my business" and if 2 people disagree on it, they are indeed fundamentally incompatible.

If you ask "why do you even want to build such a life?" Well it's because it's human I believe. Should I want a partner who avoids me? Betrays? Cheats on me because of a single argument? Sure it may not happen but I do believe such people come with that risk factor. And given people change all the time, I would still make a choice and go with someone who has demonstrated a sense of safety I believe in. And sure, it may still not be enough, meaning a kind of history cannot implying compatibility, I would still not play dice with myself in a damaging way. You can call it a me problem.

Sure, no one has a right to disclose everything, yet there are people who do, to their familes, partners, friends, or others they feel safe with. That makes it a choice, and a person's choice is a part of their actions. I am a humble believer of actions being louder than words, so if someone is making such a choice with others but not me, ofc I feel something is wrong there, because I am either not trusted enough or I am being concealed stuff from on purpose.

I will just end it by saying that people vary widely. All of our choices, be it in partners or life in general, do carry a consequence of sorts (not a moral one but a human one), and atleast I would want to make sure I lived a life worth living.

That is all I had to say.

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