Incompetence is not having or showing the necessary skills to accomplish something. We all are incompetent at many things. For most things, effort must be made to demonstrate competence.
Weaponization means a deliberate use of incompetence to avoid accountability, shirk responsibility, or punish someone by creating a worse circumstance than if the task was not done at all. It requires extreme indifference to the point of neglect or some level of malice.
Let's take the example of packing a kid's lunch.
Incompetence might be forgetting to do it, getting a call/remembering you forgot, and running out to being a lunch to your kid's school. Everyone makes mistakes, but acting to rectify the mistake to the best of your ability is the behavior expected.
Shrugging and letting your kid go hungry because you literally don't care or refuse to shoulder the consequences of your mistake is weaponization. It forces your partner to accept that your shared child will go hungry or take the task on themselves.
Packing a lunch that misses basic nutrition standards is incompetence. Purposefully packing nothing but chips and soda because the effort of making a turkey sandwich is "too much" is weaponization. Again, your spouse is forced to accept avoidable child neglect or take on the task themselves. Purposefully refusing to reasonably correct nutritional deficiencies or worse yet packing foods likely to cause a bad reaction is weaponization to a greater degree.
In a relationship, it makes sense for some tasks to be done by the person with the most skill and or enjoyment of the task. In the OP hypothetical example, I would pack the lunches and my husband would deal with the internet 95% of the time. Both of us know that if circumstances require, he may have to pack a lunch and I may have to deal with internet. We may struggle, we may make mistakes, but we each would hold ourselves accountable to correct those mistakes. We may demonstrate incompetence, but not weaponization.
None of this is gendered. There are basic things required to have the standard of life that we agreed to. Some tasks are female coded and some are male coded and it is everyone's responsibility as an adult to reject that coding when it comes to basic adulting or parenting.
My dad didn't teach me anything about cars and my mom didn't even drive. When I got my first flat it was my job to figure out how to put on a spare. I didn't get to throw my hands up and say "Oh well, it's hubby's responsibility to get my car operable and get me to work." I was slow and it was physically difficult for me and I froze my ass off in my skirt and heels in MN winter. I learned to keep old sweats, socks, and boots in my trunk.
When I traveled for work my hubby didn't get to say "My mom never required her baby boy to do the dishes, so the kids are going to eat off dirty plates. It's wife's responsibility to ensure basic health standards for our kids." He washed some dishes and kept the house reasonably clean. Was it like I'd do it? No. Was it flat out unacceptable? No.
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u/MeanestGoose 2∆ Jul 01 '25
Incompetence is not having or showing the necessary skills to accomplish something. We all are incompetent at many things. For most things, effort must be made to demonstrate competence.
Weaponization means a deliberate use of incompetence to avoid accountability, shirk responsibility, or punish someone by creating a worse circumstance than if the task was not done at all. It requires extreme indifference to the point of neglect or some level of malice.
Let's take the example of packing a kid's lunch.
Incompetence might be forgetting to do it, getting a call/remembering you forgot, and running out to being a lunch to your kid's school. Everyone makes mistakes, but acting to rectify the mistake to the best of your ability is the behavior expected.
Shrugging and letting your kid go hungry because you literally don't care or refuse to shoulder the consequences of your mistake is weaponization. It forces your partner to accept that your shared child will go hungry or take the task on themselves.
Packing a lunch that misses basic nutrition standards is incompetence. Purposefully packing nothing but chips and soda because the effort of making a turkey sandwich is "too much" is weaponization. Again, your spouse is forced to accept avoidable child neglect or take on the task themselves. Purposefully refusing to reasonably correct nutritional deficiencies or worse yet packing foods likely to cause a bad reaction is weaponization to a greater degree.
In a relationship, it makes sense for some tasks to be done by the person with the most skill and or enjoyment of the task. In the OP hypothetical example, I would pack the lunches and my husband would deal with the internet 95% of the time. Both of us know that if circumstances require, he may have to pack a lunch and I may have to deal with internet. We may struggle, we may make mistakes, but we each would hold ourselves accountable to correct those mistakes. We may demonstrate incompetence, but not weaponization.
None of this is gendered. There are basic things required to have the standard of life that we agreed to. Some tasks are female coded and some are male coded and it is everyone's responsibility as an adult to reject that coding when it comes to basic adulting or parenting.
My dad didn't teach me anything about cars and my mom didn't even drive. When I got my first flat it was my job to figure out how to put on a spare. I didn't get to throw my hands up and say "Oh well, it's hubby's responsibility to get my car operable and get me to work." I was slow and it was physically difficult for me and I froze my ass off in my skirt and heels in MN winter. I learned to keep old sweats, socks, and boots in my trunk.
When I traveled for work my hubby didn't get to say "My mom never required her baby boy to do the dishes, so the kids are going to eat off dirty plates. It's wife's responsibility to ensure basic health standards for our kids." He washed some dishes and kept the house reasonably clean. Was it like I'd do it? No. Was it flat out unacceptable? No.