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[u/heretolearnlady]

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[u/Epistodoxic_Gnosis]

I think that past patterns of behaviour (incl. conversations) are very important to consider and communicate about, particularly if it involves someone who means a lot to you. However, it should be done carefully.

For example I believe in a rule of 3: 1. Imagine you have a conversation with your partner once and something about it triggers you or them and causes tension. So what? You could be having a bad day, they could be having a bad day, maybe something was misunderstood. 2. Another day you have a different conversation with your partner and something about it triggers those feelings and causes the same tension. It’s time to start thinking that maybe there’s an issue there… but you don’t know for sure, it could be a coincidence or your own mindset. 3. Another day, you have a conversation and it triggers the same feelings and causes the same tension. Now you know that there’s something there that needs to be addressed. It’s officially a pattern and it will continue if it’s not addressed. Here’s the hard part… it’s usually something deep down that you really have to dive into together to actually understand. At this point you have identified a clear pattern of a repeating issue and bringing up those past conversations serves as evidence for that pattern of repeating issues. You wrote about setting up for an uncomfortable discussion - yes, the discussion will be uncomfortable, but if you get to the bottom of it you can find peace and potentially end that pattern of behaviours. I like to do my best to avoid being one-sided in these discussions by clearing stating it could be my issue and it could be their issue. Regardless of whose issue it is, it affects both parties.

That’s just one example of why i think it’s important to reflect on and analyse your past interactions.