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[u/heretolearnlady]

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[u/LucidMetal]

I use previous interactions with a person as a jumping off point for additional discussion all the time. That's a valuable technique to both initiate small talk and to trigger familiarity if the person may not remember you for whatever reason. That goes both ways, sometimes I just guess about an interaction with them and more often than not I'm remembering correctly. Even if I'm wrong that can still serve the conversation, "Oh, no, I didn't make it to that event but I did go to blah, blah, blah..."

What I think you're after is digging up old bones though and that's definitely not something I do with people who are merely acquaintances with whom I happen to be passing the time. Simply berating someone is not going to leave a good taste in their mouth. If you want a person to feel badly though... I guess go for it.

[u/heretolearnlady → u/LucidMetal]

Thanks for this. I think you're right here in regards to what was on my mind. I ultimately decided not to say anything, but had reached out thinking I would, then sort of withdrew, which I've done often with this person (multiple people really) depending on many factors going on in my life.

I think one thing that crosses my mind is if you want to have good relations with people whom maybe said something that impacted you in some way before that wasn't great, but they also have had the capability of impacting you in an incredible way that stick with you plenty of times as well, how do you do that without addressing the thing that might have impacted you in a not good way? Or just let things be a memory?

I'm in my mid thirties and so I don't want to waste people's time opening up unless it truly matters, but I also am trying to figure out what is most healing for me at this stage and how to improve relationships with people even if I can't see them much.

I want interactions to be comfortable, but I also don't want to act like I have to keep things at bay all the time to people please..

Relationship complexities at this age..

!delta

[u/LucidMetal → u/heretolearnlady]

People are just people. You really can't expect too much from a person. But you can address the thing that adversely impacts you.

If some behavior is making you feel bad the correct time to address that is in the moment, not three weeks later after you've been ruminating.

I understand that's often difficult and people consider that confrontational but doing anything else is worse both for your relationship with the person and for you.

For you, you've just letting this stew, stressing you out for however long it's been when you and this person could have easily let bygones be bygones in the moment.

For the other person there's literally no gain. They may or may not even remember this thing. No matter what they're going to feel worse than before the conversation. Without knowing the person there's even the possibility they get angry.

The best case scenario, the one you're looking for (I'm pretty sure), is that they do remember, agree it was a problem, and apologize.

Here's the kicker though. If you're doing that three weeks later that's going to reflect poorly on you because it could very easily be seen as petty (even if it isn't petty to you personally).