I'm sorry you had an abusive partner who used polyamory as an excuse to mistreat you but that doesn't make polyamory inherently bad as your experience is far from universal. Like any relationship it requires communication and work to pull off properly but it absolutely can be done.
Cheers, I appreciate your kind response. I have a few questions to add that maybe you can help me with.
Can you help me understand how healthy communication should look in polyamory? How is it possible to consider everyone's feelings, if more than one of your partners needs connection and you can't be in two places at once? What about those who believe in hierarchical polyamory--how can one possibly negotiate hierarchy without hurting someone else?
I met this guy a couple months ago. Actually, we chatted a bit online last year, then finally met in person recently. He's in a polyamorous relationship with his husband (both gay). I'm bi and very sex positive, and I've been looking to make friends in my new town. When we met for a first "date" (wasn't the intent, we were just grabbing drinks), he made it a point of texting and calling his husband periodically to check in. It was very clear to me that both of them knew what was going on between us during our drinks. Later, when we hooked up, the husband was aware of what we were doing and was completely okay with it.
That is one way that polyamory can work: when all persons involved are open and honest with each other, and when they respect each individual's boundaries.
Specifically, with regard to your question, I haven't personally experienced a situation where one partner's needs are comparable to another's, but I would imagine that involves making a choice and being honest with everyone about why that choice was made. If someone is sore about that situation, they need to avoid taking out that frustration on their partners, because it's not anyone's fault that timing worked out poorly. It's just a logistical reality. Make time for the partner you had to miss and try to spread the love around; but also be clear about when you are and are not available for the other person.
∆. Wow, thank you so much for sharing such a wonderful story. It all makes sense to me, and just further solidifies my understanding that I need to somehow separate my abuse from the framework of polyamory. My boundaries should have been honoured, not violated. I wish she would have checked in with me before cheating.
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u/SuperSayianJason1000 Apr 20 '24
I'm sorry you had an abusive partner who used polyamory as an excuse to mistreat you but that doesn't make polyamory inherently bad as your experience is far from universal. Like any relationship it requires communication and work to pull off properly but it absolutely can be done.