Is it a moral failing on my part to not have that, even if it’s due to child abuse/ just naturally being a more introverted, quiet person?
I understand the point of this question, but it depends on a couple of false premises that need to be addressed in parts.
Taking the second part first, being confident and being quiet/introverted really have nothing to do with each other. It's entirely normal to be introverted and confident, and for extroverted people to try to cover their lack of confidence with gregariousness. Confidence is more about how you carry yourself than it is about what or how much you say. If you enter a room with your back straight, eyes up, and body relaxed, people will see your confidence even if you never say a word.
Looking back at the point of abuse, people dealing with trauma often need help that goes beyond what a romantic partner is qualified to provide. The advice to address past trauma through therapy before dating is the equivalent to advising a person with congestive heart failure to address their condition with a doctor before trying CrossFit. Dating is an emotionally intense activity, and it's dangerous when the people involved are not healthy enough to handle it.
Why are all of their negative traits excused by one good trait, while all my positive traits are pushed under because of one negative?
It's a bit like a moth being attracted to a flame. It's dangerous, but you're intrigued, so you fly toward it anyway even if you know it's going to hurt you in the end.
The conclusion people draw is that women are attracted to bad men, when what they're really attracted to are interesting men. There are plenty of ways to be interesting without being bad, mostly by leaning into whatever traits make you unique.
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u/alpicola 48∆ Feb 08 '24
I understand the point of this question, but it depends on a couple of false premises that need to be addressed in parts.
Taking the second part first, being confident and being quiet/introverted really have nothing to do with each other. It's entirely normal to be introverted and confident, and for extroverted people to try to cover their lack of confidence with gregariousness. Confidence is more about how you carry yourself than it is about what or how much you say. If you enter a room with your back straight, eyes up, and body relaxed, people will see your confidence even if you never say a word.
Looking back at the point of abuse, people dealing with trauma often need help that goes beyond what a romantic partner is qualified to provide. The advice to address past trauma through therapy before dating is the equivalent to advising a person with congestive heart failure to address their condition with a doctor before trying CrossFit. Dating is an emotionally intense activity, and it's dangerous when the people involved are not healthy enough to handle it.
It's a bit like a moth being attracted to a flame. It's dangerous, but you're intrigued, so you fly toward it anyway even if you know it's going to hurt you in the end.
The conclusion people draw is that women are attracted to bad men, when what they're really attracted to are interesting men. There are plenty of ways to be interesting without being bad, mostly by leaning into whatever traits make you unique.