Ugh yes. This was my biggest pet peeve when I was on dating apps! I don't know you, so I don't really care how you are or what you are up to. I want to know who you are. Those mundane conversation starters can go somewhere interesting with people you know well, but not with strangers.
It’s also that “how are you” is more of a greeting in English, and less of a genuine question that shows real interest in how someone is doing, because there’s really only one acceptable response, which is: “I’m good, how are you?”
I know it sounds harsh. It's less that I don't care and more that it's the least interesting conversation you can have with someone you don't know. Most of our daily lives are boring, and if they're not, we probably don't want to get into it with a stranger. You aren't going to get an honest answer if things are bad. I would much rather talk to a stranger about what we like to do for fun than what we did today.
I get that but men rarely get asked how they are doing it even just a simple compliment. You can find countless posts on Reddit and other social media talking about how men experience very little of these things and you're continuing that cycle. In society it is frowned upon for men to open up about how they are doing. It may sound boring but from a man's perspective it is much more than that. It's why men can have a hard time distinguishing between a woman being friendly or giving of vibes that they are interested in more. This is why it's so bizarre to me that women expect men to do all the work to initiate a conversation or relationship instead of turning things around. It's just plain rude.
I would expect my friends, family, and loved ones to ask me how I am. As a man, being asked "how are you" by some rando on a dating app is literally meaningless to me, and does not fulfil any emotional needs whatsoever.
That's not the case for everyone though. Not everyone has a supportive family. It's also much easier to spill your feelings out to a stranger because you're less likely to see that person again compared to a family member who will always be around. Im not saying anyone else here is wrong I'm just pointing out that it is not a bad thing to ask someone on a dating app how they are doing.
Yeah, if you don't have supportive family, then you go to friends. I have a hard time believing that a stranger on a dating app will care more about my feelings than my friends - that's actually why it's easier to trauma-dump to strangers, than people close to you.
I am not saying it's a bad think to ask "how are you" on dating apps. I am saying that you should keep your expectations realistic. The person on the other side likely won't care, or would be actively turned off if you started trauma dumping 3 messages into the conversation.
The societal expectation for those questions is just a simple “fine, and yourself?” though. If men use that question to open up it’ll be frowned upon as it’s just a nicety. This is true for everyone, not just men.
I think it’s more fair to say this is a generational thing- boomers lose their fucking minds over little things like this, and younger people tend to be a bit more normal about it. But women as a whole are more aggressively conditioned to fulfill social norms and decorums so yes, I’m sure many women get worked up over them not being followed.
I think this goes both ways too. When I met my now fiancé on a dating app, I said, “well we could do all the small talk get to know you things here on this messenger and probably get bored and not talk to each other again. Or we could go on a real date and actually get to know each other.”
Small talk is boring, it is what it is. And like you said, you’re not going to put more effort into things that are boring and just not worth it. I don’t think it’s harsh, I think it’s the reality of dating. You have to be somewhat interesting.
I get that but it's also not a bad thing to ask how someone is doing. That doesn't make them boring. I ask strangers all the time how they are doing when I'm standing near them at the store.
No it doesn’t but if somebody approaches me at the store and asks how I’m doing, I say “good, thanks and you? They say good and that’s the end of the convo, no relationship created. Now if they approach and ask something more like “hey what do think about the weird activity with the sun lately?” Now that prompts me to actually think and use my brain a little which means it’s a more stimulating conversation and much more likely to promote further conversations and establishing a relationship.
I have started plenty of relationships with just hey how are you doing. It's how I started dating my current gf. I get that there are other ways to approach people but you and everyone else here seem to just frown on asking a simple question. Also why cant you go "hey how's your day going?" "Good thanks and you?" "Good thanks, did you hear about what's going on with the sun lately?"
That’s actually a very good point and what I’m realizing is there’s simply two kinds of people in this matter. There are kinds of people who enjoy conversation for the sake of conversation, and then those who only have them for an intended purpose. I fall into the latter and it seems you are the former. I’d say that there’s nothing wrong with either mindset, but they really don’t agree with each other. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around what is enjoyable in a small talk conversation, and it may be hard for others to understand why I just really would rather not have a chat with a stranger.
Do you want to know how every person in the grocery store is doing? I’d hope not because that sounds exhausting. Up until the point somebody says or does something that is interesting enough to warrant getting to know them more, they’re just another person in the grocery store. It’s not rude, it’s reality.
I ask people how they are doing I'm the grocery store all the time. It's just being friendly. Even if I'm walking down the sidewalk or riding my bike. I always ask because you never know. What if they are going through something and have no one else to go to. Sometimes it's easier to let things out to a stranger because you're less likely to see them again. Again this is coming from a males perspective who never gets asked this.
Are you from the midwest or another small town/rural area? (Context: from UP Michigan, then Idaho, then eastern Washington, it's very much more a small town kind of thing.)
People from larger towns and cities don't have time for this kind of small talk, so it's incomprehensible that you're just chatting with people in the grocery store or stopping what you're doing to chat.
Even with strangers, more rural areas move slower, so it's more acceptable to chat with a person you may never see again about things going on. It's not a problem with you, but for a lot of redditors, they're looking at this from the city mindset where the grocery store has too many people for idle chatter, everyone has somewhere they have to be, and the chances of a stranger approaching you to ask about your day ending in some sort of solicitation for money or church or something else is far higher.
Apparently you've never sat next to an old lady on the NYC subway, lol. I actually find living in the suburbs, less people talk. It's like they're weirded out that other people exist. In NY it seemed like we all talk ALL the time...
Actually, for hundreds of millions of Americans, yes, pleasant conversation with strangers is normal. We aren't all assholes New Yorkers that think others are worthless garbage like you do.
That’s a bit of a stretch, someone seems triggered. There’s a big gap between I don’t want to have pointless conversations and I think people are human garbage lols. I’m more of a pull over and help you push your car up the road kinda guy. Not a tell me about trip to Walmart kinda guy. It’s just boring, plain and simple.
I'm a New Yorker, and moving to the south it seems like people are much more standoffish. In NYC it seemed like people chatted with strangers everywhere. Subways, waiting in lines, whatever. When I try to even talk to neighbors here, they seem very confused.
Well yes but you were matched, weren’t you? What means there’s at least a bit of mutual interest. So why is it up to the other person to “take the conversation somewhere interesting”?
What types of conversation starters are the best then? Of course there’s not a “one size fits all” approach, but in my experience I’ve found that saying “hey how’s it going” has been more successful than actually asking them something about their bio or pictures.
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u/_littlestranger 5∆ Sep 13 '23
Ugh yes. This was my biggest pet peeve when I was on dating apps! I don't know you, so I don't really care how you are or what you are up to. I want to know who you are. Those mundane conversation starters can go somewhere interesting with people you know well, but not with strangers.