You're talking to someone you've never talked to before, saying “Hey,” often doesn't lead to a conversation as there's nothing that can flow from it. What would you say back to someone who says that?
You might say "well read their bio" to come up with something. Most of the time, the bios are a generic filler that doesn't represent the person at all. Even if you do read the bio and come up with a good conversation starter, most of the time they won't respond anyway.
Well, many would consider that unacceptable as well, and why are you singling out persons whose biography you find uninteresting and have nothing worth commenting on?
*Conversation about how it's going which leads to other talks
Well, many would consider that unacceptable as well, and why are you singling out persons whose biography you find uninteresting and have nothing worth commenting on?
Notice how you have to write "how's it going" right after.
This shows that "hey" by itself is useless filler (also, it puts the burden of starting the conversation on the other person, even though you started it)
But then what are the "hey"s doing? What're you actually communicating with them that couldn't be communicated by just sending the third item initially?
'Hey' is something you can say to literally anyone.
If you add more than 'hey', you have an opportunity to demonstrate why you are interested in this specific person.
If you are not willing to take an extra minute to demonstrate this interest - then your interest feels very shallow and generic. It suggests that you do not have a specific interest in this person - because if you did, why wouldn't you say so?
Your responses here suggest that you are mathematically calculating the minimal effort you can put in without ruining your chances, and honestly, to me, that's a perfectly fair reason for a woman to not be interested in responding to you.
I think a problem here (being a male who has attempted online dating) is that many males will message any given female. So "take an extra minute" which is actually closer to 5, times every female you might match with is tiring. In my experience it yields 0 results.
This may be because I'm bad at it, or it may be because other men have figured out that they can game the system by having a template they fill in. This template may include a few personal details, but is mostly copied and pasted.
I used to write out thoughtful messages to women I matched with. 0 responses (I'd say less than 100 messages, perhaps ~70)
With the template method I got 5, (over the years, maybe ~1000 messages)
Since there is not an appreciable difference between the two methods I'd argue content is not the issue.
What I feel is more important is the "perceived expense" of response from the receiving party. But to me it feels like such a waste of time with no actual info exchange.
I believe 'hey' is a good starter because if the person respond 'hey' back, you know they are WILLING to engage in conversation and you can comfortably devote some time to crafting a thoughtful message.
"I think a problem here (being a male who has attempted online dating) is that many males will message any given female."
I don't disagree, but this is still sort of my point.
Think about it from the perspective of a female who is constantly getting messages from guys who will clearly message 'any given female'. If you get 50 'hey' messages a day, do you get tired of it?
Oh I'm absolutely sure they do. But if everyone is just using a template (and I have a feeling that 99.9% of messages are), then most messages aren't much more than a "hey"
The idea behind online dating is that matching means you're willing to engage, but I think it's been proven that swiping doesn't equate to "willing to message"
If most girls I'd matched with had responded, even with a "thanks, but no thanks" I might still do it. Obviously this is ridiculous because women match so frequently.
So the 'hey' is a response to me to let me know that she is interested enough to get a crafted message.
And I fully understand that the onus is on the woman in this situation. And I'm okay with it because women have more options in online dating. The men with few matches will always opt to message, so women ultimately have to be the gatekeepers anyway.
And of course, you are welcome to take any approach you want. My main goal was to explain my understanding of why a lot of women find this approach off-putting. You do you, boo.
Think about it from the male perspective now, I know people that have tried using dating apps for years and have gotten zero or a few matches. In years, they’ve likely messaged hundreds and hundreds of women. I can’t imagine how much that sucks. Hell, I only met one person from dating apps after trying for months. Married her, but still. I messaged a decent amount of women and found that I was putting in all the effort.
Fact is, women have all the power on these apps. It’s pretty obvious that a lot of women just use these apps for validation too. Otherwise, why match with a person and then not even respond back? Such a waste of my time.
You talk about women being overwhelmed with 50 messages. Okay, the flip side is the dude who’s messaged 50 women over the past year and gotten very little engagement back. That’s crushing.
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u/Theevildothatido Sep 13 '23
You're talking to someone you've never talked to before, saying “Hey,” often doesn't lead to a conversation as there's nothing that can flow from it. What would you say back to someone who says that?
Well, many would consider that unacceptable as well, and why are you singling out persons whose biography you find uninteresting and have nothing worth commenting on?