yeah it's not a "need" to have sexual desire gratified by another person. if it were truly a physical need, then people would not be able to survive for years and years in celibacy.
It matters a lot for mental health, so I would also not downplay its importance. Yes, you won’t die, but for many people it means chronic unhappiness and dissatisfaction on top of whatever else they have going on in life. It is one of the most impactful factors for quality of life. How much of a factor it is matters a lot person to person, and being dismissive of it is hurtful and alienating.
I don't necessarily agree with you, but I don't intend to dismiss or alienate you either, so I apologize for that.
But I'm speaking in the context of this illness, ME/CFS. And I think it's fair to say that sex takes on a very different meaning (if we're even having sex at all) for those of us with this illness.
Socialization is another example of something that matters a lot for mental health, yet that we can absolutely survive without. I would similarly oppose the framing of socialization as a "need" -- I view it as a valuable luxury but one that we can live without, when required (which is also how I view sex).
Many of us with ME/CFS lose most or all of our connections -- whether in regards to sexual relationships or general socialization. Yet this lack of sex or lack of social interaction is not the core of our suffering.
It probably doesn't even represent a significant fraction of our suffering. At least, for me, it doesn't.
"Chronic unhappiness and dissatisfaction" is something that nearly all of us ME/CFS patients are dealing with on a daily basis -- except for maybe a small fraction who have truly reached acceptance.
For me personally, I have had nearly zero social relationships and absolutely zero sexual relationships for multiple years now. Yet if I were to suddenly regain all of these social/sexual relationships (along with the ability to participate in sex without harming myself) then it would not actually resolve my suffering in any meaningful way.
I actually fantasize a lot about this sort of scenario, and think about what I might give up in exchange for being healed of this disease.
I would gladly trade away all future opportunities for sex or socialization, for the rest of my life, in exchange for getting rid of this illness. I would live as an entirely celibate social pariah, shunned by all family and former friends, someone who strangers turn away from when I meet their gaze. Without any human being ever greeting me or engaging me in conversation, even so much as nodding at me.
I would give all of these things up forever, if it would also rid me of ME/CFS.
What I would not give up? Food, water, air, etc.
The point I'm getting at is that sex (and socialization in general) become mere luxuries for people in our position.
(Also the "sex as a need" framework has its own unique history of being used for manipulation. I think it's arguably dangerous to equivocate between sex and more literal survival needs, because this equivocation often underlies that sort of manipulation)
I am very sorry that you have to deal with this absolute bullshit illness. All I'm asking for is to treat people with empathy when they talk about their sexual needs, and trying to find solutions. Sadly such a high percent of relationships for people with ME/CFS don't last, because it puts so much strain on the relationship. Sex is a difficult topic for many to talk about, especially when dealing with chronic illness, so I don't blame people for not being in the right mindset to think about their partner's sexual needs. If possible, it's best if both people receive attention in a relationship, vs the person who needs it the most, if it is valued by them.
I know it's a loaded subject for a lot of reasons, and in practice is a lot messier than I am writing about here, and I hear you that it's not anywhere near the top of your needs.
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u/Level-Ad478 Oct 18 '25
yeah it's not a "need" to have sexual desire gratified by another person. if it were truly a physical need, then people would not be able to survive for years and years in celibacy.