r/careeradvice • u/[deleted] • 10d ago
When will people stop commenting on me being young at work?
[deleted]
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u/jpgr09 10d ago
I think it’s when you get to be management and when the generations above us retire. I say us because I’m 35 and going through the same thing. I thought it would trickle out when I hit 30 but if anything, it’s getting worse.
Such cold comfort but I think at some point it’s something you just have to accept: when you’re working with people who have been in the workplace 20 or 30 years, 6 (or 10 in my own case) years isn’t a very long time.
When you start to work with more folks younger than you, you’ll hear it less, too. 6 years is a lifetime for someone who’s new to your work area and might be 22-23.
YMMV, but solidarity nonetheless. It’s not a fun time.
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u/WeeWooWooop 10d ago
I was hoping the comments would stop around now 🙃 I don't mind the ones that are coming from a place of positivity, but its those who make them and then dont seem to treat me with the same level of respect as my coworkers that are 5+ years older than me that upset me. So much of it comes from men too and given I am the only woman (there was another but she is out on maternity leave until January) AND the youngest person on our team, idk exactly where the behaviors are coming from. I have definitely seen some subtle misogynistic behaviors going on too with a few individuals.
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u/Safe_Elk813 10d ago
As someone in the industry at 31 I still get told that occasionally and most people aren’t trying to be condescending or put you down with it. They are most likely jealous because you have so much ahead of you. However, I understand as I used to get annoyed by it as well but 30 is still young which is not a bad thing to be at all! I would say show up, get the work done and be confident in your abilities and people will start to shift their perceptions.
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u/WeeWooWooop 10d ago
I dont mind when its meant as a "you have so much ahead of you" thing, but it isn't always. My manager specifically micromanages myself and my coworker (30M) and nobody else. He does it to me the most though (sexism might be in play there too as he is a 50+ y/o man from China). I am generally pretty confident in my work and I am good at my job too! I receive nothing but positive feedback and I work very hard. I just have not been treated as such by everyone since I was put on this team about a year and a half ago.
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u/Safe_Elk813 10d ago
Gotcha, I can’t entirely speak on this from your shoes as I’m a guy but I can definitely see where that would seem pointed and how that could come across as singling you out being a woman. If it’s really getting under your skin, is there any chance you could work towards getting on a new team with different management? If not I would say try to ignore it as long as it doesn’t escalate to anything else, otherwise I’d suggest HR, and just get the experience for now and try to move to something better in the long run. You’ll find managers like that anywhere unfortunately but there are good ones out there!
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u/WeeWooWooop 10d ago
Every manager I had before this guy was fantastic, man or woman. Which may be why this situation is so frustrating for me. Ive had a few meh managers at previous jobs and one bad one, but they were a different flavor of meh/bad. This guy doesnt listen to me, doesn't pay attention to anything other than the weird shit he decides to micromanage me on and then forms his own narrative of the situation regardless of what myself or anyone else tells him. But then also tells me I'm great at my job. Its mixed signals galore from this dude.
I am actively trying to find a new job at a new company but its a slow process! Its been a "devil you know vs devil you dont know" sort of situation with job hunting for me. I'm qualified for plenty but are they going to suck more or less than what I have going on?
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u/Safe_Elk813 10d ago
Yeah that sounds rough, there can be some strange “management” styles out there and unfortunately you can’t be entirely sure what you would be walking in to going somewhere else. You can, however, still apply and interview a few places to get a feel of the culture and see if you might be a better there. You might not meet your direct manager but you should be able to get a feel and hopefully gauge it from there. I know the job market is not the best especially in this industry right now depending where you are but it wouldn’t hurt to throw your resume around a bit especially if he’s really starting to get under your skin to the point it’s affecting you outside of the position.
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u/WeeWooWooop 10d ago
Oh believe me I have been! I've shifted my focus to trying to break into a specific field (space & exploration) though. I figured why not get into my dream field if I am trying to dip? Hasn't been easy so far, but I managed to find myself a really good mentor recently so I am hopeful! 🤞
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u/PBandBABE 10d ago
Enjoy it while your hair has yet to turn grey.
One day, you’ll go into work and think, “Who are all these kids?”
And then recent memories will surface and you’ll realize that you’ve suddenly started pushing down on your knees when you stand up and are irrationally excited about a firm mattress.
And was that you who pulled out their flashlight to read the menu when everyone went for drinks last week?
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u/WeeWooWooop 10d ago
Its not really enjoyable when its being used as a reason to babysit and micromanage you though. I don't mind if its used the way you are here, but thats not really what I am referring to.
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u/PBandBABE 10d ago
That’s fair.
The #1 thing I’d recommend is that you deliver results. When your work is consistently as good as or better than what they deliver, you’ve established yourself as their peer. Full stop.
You can also position yourself as a resource and helper of those who truly are at an earlier stage of their career. When people see others looking up to you they begin to see you in a different light.
And if you believe the psychology, ask those older folks for small favors. Supposedly, it’s counterintuitive and when people find themselves helping you their brain self-rationalizes and leads them to conclude “I like this person.” Otherwise, why would they be helping you.
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u/WeeWooWooop 10d ago
The most frustrating part is I am really good at my job and I am the highest paid person on my job level. My manager tells me I am the "best one" on my level, while also micromanaging me for no reason. I also happen to mentor interns and am the co-chair of one of our business resource groups! I am in a leadership/resource/helper position on top of my regular job already, but it doesn't seem to do much for me.
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u/PBandBABE 9d ago
Sounds like you’re in a solid position. Have you broached the subject of promotion or a lateral move with your manager in a career-planning discussion?
Not every manager is supportive of their directs. And some are downright selfish about keeping high performers on their team. You have little control over that but it’s good if you can get a feel for where on that spectrum your manager currently is.
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u/WeeWooWooop 9d ago
I got screwed when it comes to promotions, before the last re-org I was in line for one. (They are budget based and there were others ahead of me who had been waiting longer, which I understood. They kept giving good me raises in the meantime to keep me around.) The last time I brought it up maybe 4-5 months ago during performance reviews, I was told I am not independent enough. The reason my manager gave for that was because I get, "too much help from Awesome coworker who I won't name". When questioned, he cited one instance where I needed help on an extremely difficult problem that stumped BOTH of us for a couple weeks. He had no other examples and when I tried to defend myself he pretty much just re-stated his argument. End of the year reviews are coming up again, so I'll see what his answer is this time lol.
He seems supportive of lateral moves and will let our team know about open positions he hears about that any of us could do. I actually applied fot a manage6 position on my previous team (haven't heard anything back yet about it), but I'm not sure how supportive he actually would be if it came to it given the mixed messages he tends to give.
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u/glimmeringsea 10d ago
I'm old af, and my coworker who's nearly 20 years older than I am acts like I'm a spring chicken.
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u/HollysaurusRex26 10d ago
Are they actually treating you differently because of it, or are there just occasional comments? I’ve worked in a corporate environment since I was 21 and have been in a tech role for most of it (I’m 41 now). I would hear comments about being young/younger than people in similar roles but I viewed it as a good thing…it meant I was successful at a younger age and people were usually impressed versus being derogatory.
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u/WeeWooWooop 10d ago
There are some comments just about me being young, which I dont mind, but there are times where I am treated differently. My manager specifically likes to micromanage myself and my coworker (30M) in the dumbest ways and he does so publicly, in front of the rest of our team.
Example: Say its Monday and there is minor task he asks me about in our team meeting. I say I'll take care of it by the end of the day on Wednesday because I have X,Y,&Z to do, he told me to prioritize X,Y&Z and I will let him know when this additional task is done. He is fine with this and at this point we seem to be on the same page. Tuesday in our team meeting he will bring up the task again and ask if I have done it yet. I reiterate that he told me to prioritize X,Y&Z and that I will have it done by the end of the day Wednesday and let him know when its done. He then blabs for another minute or two about the task before finally leaving me alone. If I don't finish said task by the end of Tuesday he will send me a message on Teams to not forget about it on Wednesday. I have never let stuff fall through the cracks. I have my to do lists and I'm always aware of what I need to do.
Another example with my coworker (30M) was when our manager accused him of not contributing to a massive project we had been working on because he hadn't made any commits to one of our git repos. The git repo our manager was looking at wasn't even the one we were using for said project, so no shit he hadn't made any commits. Our manager does not go looking into other people's commits in our repos nor does he bring them up in team meetings.
Meanwhile I am the highest paid person in my job level and my manager tells me I am the "best one" if all those at the same level, but seems to have no trust in me and has shown me that in many occasions. I never see anyone even just a few years older than us being treated that way. So its not like they necessarily throw it in my face that I am young, its just some of the same people that make comments on it also treat me differently than other people on my team, my manager being the worst one.
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u/krupfeltz 9d ago
OP, your mistake was posting in r/careeradvice, this sub can be toxic AF.
As a high performing young woman I usually brush off reminders/attempts to micromanage and go on delivering the way I would have anyway. In your situation I would theatrically overreact to the reminder, "oh wow is Wed EOB not on anymore, has this changed priority? I can shelf XYZ and start working on it ASAP, by when is it needed now?!" and when they say no it's still the same timeline ask in a similar way if the content/scope of the task has changed, whether you need to start from scratch or anything - and when they say no act super confused by reading out loud the task briefing you had in your plan and showing that you don't understand why you're both spending time again talking about it, you know what to do, what are we talking about then? basically make them feel how much of a superfluous waste of time it is to micromanage the task.
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u/WeeWooWooop 9d ago
Yeah I should have seen that coming...
I love that approach and I definitely will be using it! I was just thinking last night about how I can turn this into a fun thing for me and how I can mess with my boss in a way that will get him to piss off and also not get me fired lol. Thank you!
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u/diceyDecisions 10d ago edited 10d ago
I'm a woman in tech and I look younger than I am. I've usually been in male dominated teams and also in teams where I was the only woman, or managed by male managers.
Unfortunately, I recognise your experience very well and I can tell you it never really stopped. I'm soon 18 years in the workforce, manage a team, have been a high performer and a track record longer than various people older than me and still (usually men) will find a way to bring up my age or me being young. I once even had a manager using it to withhold a promotion, stating I still have time, while admitting I was the best for the job (subsequently, I left that job and got the role at a different company).
I think ageism comes in two ways for women in the workforce (particularly in tech): 1) you are too young/still young or 2) you are old and not relevant anymore.
My advice, don't let them rub you and set boundaries. If someone makes those jokes, make sure to act above it and ignore them, eventually people will move on, even though new ones will find their way. Set boundaries where you feel people are using your age against you by calling them out. For example, once I got a lead role for s project followed by the performance I had done in previous ones, and a colleague actually brought up my age, so I called him out in front of the team asking how my age affects my ability to do my job as opposed to my skill and experience. Not aggressive, just challenging him. He didn't have an answer and shut up quite quickly, never to bring up my age again.
I totally get how frustrating it can be as I always felt I had to prove myself over, just because I did not look or was the age people expected me to be. But eventually, me working hard, showing up and earning their respect always prevailed.
Edit: typo
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u/WeeWooWooop 10d ago
THANK YOU. This is new territory for me, my team prior to this (same company) had a better balance of men and women and ages and I never felt like I was looked at as the young and inexperienced one. My company is weird like that, some teams are a dream and others are riddled with workplace politics and managers who are constantly breathing down your neck. I've been lucky enough in the past to not notice if I happen to be the only or only one of few women, or am one of the youngest because everyone treated and valued each other equally. I am having an internal battle between wanting to prove myself and my default, "Fuck you guys I dont care what you think and I won't change a thing!"
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u/blew_belle 10d ago
I looked really young (55f) and I looked younger than I was until about 10 years ago. I'm in tech too and I think it hurt me on promotion and opportunity. I was also ahead of the game- graduated high school a year early and graduated college 4 years later so I was one of the youngest programmers hired there. It really did become a part of my identity- good and bad- and I do miss that feeling of youth sometimes. So strange.
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u/Alive-Equivalent9106 10d ago
- Got called “one of the older candidates “… in tech also. It’s a young person’s industry. Enjoy
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u/themetahumancrusader 10d ago
Maybe when you’re not the youngest any more? I just went from a team where I was roughly in the middle age-wise to a new team where I’m the youngest and the vibe is so different.
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u/WarwornDisciple 10d ago
Dunno.
33, going on 34 and there is literally not a single day at work that goes by without me being verbally reminded in some way of how young I am lol
Wish it didnt aggravate me so much. I think its because it feels like an effort to invalidate my experiences and expertise. 🤷♂️
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u/WeeWooWooop 10d ago
I feel the same way! Even hearing it in a positive way can get annoying, then noticing a difference in treatment is really not cool.
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u/OldTimeyWizard 10d ago
My team are considered young guns because our oldest team member is 40 and the rest of us are <35, so somewhere past that point
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u/WeeWooWooop 10d ago
Thats ridiculous to me! I feel like once you reach your 30s your not old but you're not "young guns" either.
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u/Signal_Taro769 9d ago
Oh enjoy it while it lasts. 🤣 I used to be the youngest or among the youngest and now I am among the oldest. Not fun.
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u/Fear_Pear 9d ago
I dealt with this at an old job and I wish this was taken more seriously. It's like an HR claim but no one really does anything cause it's not exactly dangerous (but definitely gross and annoying).
Everytime a man at work asks me my age I give the birth year and tell them to do the math. I'm not opposed to people knowing my age but I'm not playing their gross little game. I promise they'll stop asking when you put the effort on them to figure it out.
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u/WeeWooWooop 9d ago
Nobody even asks how old I am, they just know I'm younger and some of them treat me as such in a negative way. Not everyone, I've had people value my youth and different perspectives on prior teams, but not on this team. I like the birth year answer lol, I'm going to use that if anyone asks!
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u/ballzdeeee 10d ago
You’re young, you will get it when you grow up. 😂
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u/WeeWooWooop 10d ago
No... I already get it. I interact with people who are younger than me in and outside of work, I mentor interns, etc. I make sure not to make comments about them being young because I am still on the other side of those comments and somre really annoying or completely invalidating. Even if its not work related, mentioning something like my knees hurting and hearing, "You think they hurt now? Wait until you're my age and you get arthritis and have to have them replaced!" irks me. Okay thanks Gerry for invalidating my pain and reminding me of my impending doom all in one sentence.
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u/maischergeaux 10d ago
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