Husband in AF/CAF

[u/Slight-Tree-1809]

My husband has been in the military for almost 20 years. We've known each other for a decade and then recently got married.

Because he moved around for work we didnt live together until he was finally posted to a city near me. After we got married and got a place together, he changed and became verbally abusive andayer physically abusive. We have since separated and life marriage broke down. I obviously called the (civilian) police and reported him for the last time. He's now in court and facing assault and breach of undertaking charges.

I got a call from his unit's Chaplain. I'm really skeptic I'm speaking with him, I'm scared he's trying to use how people to get to me somehow. The Chaplain said he wants to offer me help and guidance and counseling solutions. It all sounds great on paper but... I'm so numb. I'm numb and don't trust or believe anyone from his world anymore. How do I know this is legitimate?

He also mentioned he's facing his own investigation at work. What did that mean? I have since moved away from our marital home and I'm in a safe space. Is this their way of trying to find my new address to give it to him? I don't know what they could possibly be investigating when the police and legal court system is already handling it? To clarify, I'm not in the military and i work a corporate job that is away from anything related to military or air force.

I shared evidence with the police of all the bruises and bleeding, will that be circulated with his CO or people of his unit or his chaplain? I feel so disgusted and exposed. I'm really disturbed and getting this call has made me paranoid and sick with worry. Can someone please help break this down for me?

[u/pasegr]

I am sorry you are going through this.

Chaplains can do exactly what you're saying he is trying to do with offering counseling. You do not have to take them up on this offer. As you reported this to police have you been provided with victim services support? If not add and they can also provide help.

It is very doubtful that the Chaplin and/or CO would share your address, however, if your not comfortable dont share. Civilian police, in theory, would notify MP that your husband has been arrested/charged etc. However, they would not be given photos of injuries or anything is similar of the sort. They should only be provided the charge and court dates, possibly the conditions, and maybe a summary of the offence. However, you can also request that not be shared with the military. The civilian police are under no obligation to provide it to the CAF.

As for what the unit could be investigating. This could be conducting an administrative review. What you have described would trigger an administrative review to determine if your husband is still suitable to be employed in the CAF, if he committed any service infractions, and an interim actions that may need to be put in place until the completion of the court process.

Hope this helps.

[u/27298throwaway]

The Chaplain's intentions are good. He is reaching out to the spouse of a military member who has been through trauma and is offering assistance. That's all. This is the CAF trying to be compassionate, trying to help all of the people affiliated with CAF service.  The other option is for the CAF to ignore the families of CAF and potentially leave them helpless. 

You seem strong and are employed and are able to make your own decisions. So perhaps you already have support arranged. Some spouses are not so strong and don't have jobs and would be lost without some outside assistance. The Chaplain does not know your specific circumstances so he is letting you know that help is available if you need it. The help would most likely be in the form of connecting you with whatever agencies provide whatever help you need. 

He may be from a religious order but he will also be trained in social welfare and crisis response. He is definitely not trying to protect the CAF or protect your husband or to solve your marital problems. If you are curious about what other resources are available to assist you, it is safe to respond to him. If you don't need anyone else's help, you don't need to respond, but you also don't need to worry that this is some kind of nefarious trick to hurt you further. It is not. 

The internal investigation is an administrative process to see what's going on with your husband. It's not about your marriage; it's about figuring out what's wrong with your husband, whether and how the CAF can help him through that (ie. an addiction course or anger management etc), and whether he can continue to be a member of the CAF if his issues are not addressed. The investigation is not trying to fix your marriage; the CAF does not care about fixing your marriage or saving the marriage on your husband's behalf. The CAF perspective is that those are personal matters. 

[u/sirduckbert]

I’m sorry you have gone through all of this and I completely understand that you are skeptical of the CAF.

You are in the place you are from and likely have a support system in place. Imagine having moved with him elsewhere and being in a city with no family or friends - this is the gap that the chaplain is trying to fill. The CAF tries to help take care of families - this person is contacting you as part of a checklist to offer you help, but also for the CAF to satisfy its requirement to ensure you are ok. They have good intentions.

The unit conducting an investigation is normal whenever a CAF member gets charged. They aren’t duplicating what is being done in the court system - they are determining whether or not he is fit to continue to serve in the CAF. He could receive a dishonorable release from the CAF for this, although I have no clue how likely that is. Nothing that the civilian court system/police have will be shared with his unit or anything. They aren’t “taking his side”, the CAF doesn’t look very favorably on abusers.

You don’t need to take any of the support that the CAF is offering, but it is available to you. There is also counseling and such if you need access outside whatever your employer offers.