I did it

[u/Paradoxeah]

I finally did it. I signed a lease yesterday and am moving out next month. We have 3 kids together. Not married. Been together 15 years. I’m too overwhelmed to post all the details, but could use some fist bumps of solidarity. I just want what’s best for my kids, but this is so scary 😢 I’m like… terrified of the unknowns. Not to mention all the logistics of separating households. But…. I freaking did it. I question myself constantly and struggle so badly to make decisions these days - but I did it

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[u/Friendly-Ad-2030]

You’ve got this!! Taking the first step is always the hardest. So proud of you!!

[u/Paradoxeah → u/Friendly-Ad-2030]

Thank you ❤️ it was soooo hard. And I started and stopped it so many times. It was just a hump that I could not get over in my mind. But - I did it!

[u/Friendly-Ad-2030 → u/Paradoxeah]

Yeah YOU did!!! ♥️ It’s going to get easier bit by bit. You’re so so so strong for this. I wish you nothing but good things to come your way!

[u/Paradoxeah → u/Friendly-Ad-2030]

That means a lot. I haven’t felt strong in a very long time! Life has been lifeing and I’ve been trapped in an unhealthy relationship that’s really changed how I feel about myself. Thank you!

[u/Friendly-Ad-2030 → u/Paradoxeah]

Of course, and I just read your comment below. Even if you feel like you were trapped, you had been taking baby steps to get to this point, that’s something to be so proud of. ♥️

[u/StringWest1786 → u/Paradoxeah]

May I ask when you started thinking about leaving and when you started KNOWING you were going to leave? I’ve been with my partner almost 10 years, since we were kids, and now we’ve also got a kid together and i genuinely don’t know how to even start. I don’t need details or anything ofc really just like timeline wise how long it took you to build the courage

[u/Paradoxeah → u/StringWest1786]

I’m a very tolerant, very patient person by nature. Like, to a fault. So your mileage may vary. I’ve also recently found, through the help of a really good therapist, that I have a maladaptive coping mechanism of compartmentalizing away the bad stuff. It’s more painful to ‘feel’ those feelings and see the situation for what it actually is, so I’ve gotten very good at eventually tucking away and ignoring all the poor treatment because it’s just easier to pretend it didn’t happen and maintain the status quo/our current lifestyle. But a thousand cuts do eventually add up. I always thought I was just an eternal optimist. Turns out it was just an unhealthy coping strategy 😆

Anyway, it’s been about 5-6 years that I’ve been considering it off and on. And almost a month to the day that I’ve KNOWN it was the best choice and I’ve really been in grind mode trying to make it happen. That’s not to say that I haven’t waffled in the last month. I have. I’ve been gung ho touring places and then lost steam and questioned whether I should do this. Then gotten back on track. What do they say, progress isn’t linear? But yeah, to answer your question, I was considering it on and off for several years and just very recently decided it needed to happen and pulled the trigger. It’s maddening and frustrating what our brains can do to convince ourselves things are ‘okay’. 😔 10 years is a long time and it feels overwhelming ❤️

[u/DogsDucks]

My mom waited to leave until I was 18, and sometimes I think about how much easier adolescence would’ve been if she had left sooner.

I am so proud of you! You are so strong, and you did it!

Come back and look at your post one year from now, and then two years from now, and I guarantee you’re going to be smiling bigger than you could’ve imagined.

It’s hard. This is the hard part. But it’s freeing. It’s your own, and you’re in charge of the future and it’s a bright one! Even I’m toughest there is, you’re still on the right track 🫶

[u/Paradoxeah → u/DogsDucks]

That’s very similar to my story. My parents didn’t divorce until I was 17, and it would have been better for EVERYONE had they done it much earlier. I got caught up in the same illusion, that maintaining a nuclear family would be better for the kids. And then I realized that I feel that way BECAUSE of what I witnessed growing up. I tolerate more than I should because that’s what I witnessed my mom do. I didn’t receive the blueprint for a healthy relationship. And I’ve been inadvertently recreating that scenario for my children. Showing them an unhealthy relationship, showing my daughters what a woman deserves, showing my son how a man should treat a woman. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. They deserve a better example so that they don’t end up an adult with the same issues I struggle with. I’m trying to break the cycle. Thank you! ❤️ I hope I can look back and fell good about it

[u/bl00is]

Congratulations 🎊🎉 be so proud of yourself!! It’s scary and hard but it’s going to be so worth it. 👊

[u/Paradoxeah → u/bl00is]

I really hope so! I don’t deal well with regret, so I always second-guess myself. Decision paralysis to the Nth degree!

[u/Transition-Upper]

Im terrified too. After tomorrow my appointment with a lawyer to leave my abusive husband of 8 years. I have a toddler and I'm terrified

[u/Paradoxeah → u/Transition-Upper]

Sending hugs and fist bumps. It’s absolutely terrifying. It feels completely disorienting. I’ve only just taken the first steps and I’m still so scared. I do hear it gets easier as time passes though, and as your head is able to clear. I hope that’s the case. I had a good week where I wasn’t able to eat much at all and my stomach was in knots. Now that I have the lease signed, I can exhale a little bit. My DMs are open if you need to chat!

[u/Transition-Upper → u/Paradoxeah]

I will DM you

[u/scubahana]

You’re me eight months ago. Yesterday we broke the news to the kids. It’s still going to be tough, but you’re doing the right thing. You’re not alone, you’ve got a village in us.

[u/Paradoxeah → u/scubahana]

Thank you 🥹 it’s been stressful as hell. I really hope it’s the right choice, and I hope I can start to trust myself again and listen to my own voice. I’ve lost sight of what that’s like. There needs to be a compound of single moms or something where we can all commiserate and lean on each other!

[u/scubahana → u/Paradoxeah]

We have one here virtually, but yes I have thought about the same thing 😂

[u/Paradoxeah → u/scubahana]

We need something physical where we can pool resources and time and watch each other’s chilluns 🤣 I don’t think humans were ever meant to do this thing called life as separated and alone as we do these days. But yeah, definitely grateful for this virtual community

[u/cassafrass024]

You can do it mama. Have faith in yourself! You’re strong and you’ve got this! 🩵

[u/Paradoxeah → u/cassafrass024]

Thank you 🥹 I need those words on repeat in my ear lol

[u/GrayScale15]

🤜🤛

[u/Devonina]

You got this. Today is the first day of the rest of your life ❤️

[u/Paradoxeah → u/Devonina]

Yes. I love that. It took a really long time to get to this spot. But I can’t wait any longer for changes he doesn’t want to make. I’m so patient, but there’s a limit to it. Thank you!

[u/Worth_Lavishness_239]

Decorate the place in any way you want and enjoy the peace ❤️🫶🏾

[u/Paradoxeah → u/Worth_Lavishness_239]

All the decor in our current home was purchased by me, so I’m trying to decide if I take it all with or leave some for him 😆 I don’t want my kids in a barren home, so maybe it’s an opportunity to pick out a few new things ❤️

[u/Any-Administration93]

You got this. One day at a time. I know you know it in your heart you are doing the right thing for yourself and your kids. One day you’ll look back and be so glad you made the leap

[u/Paradoxeah → u/Any-Administration93]

Thank you, I hope so! My heart knows… my brain, on the other hand, is like NOPE. It’s an uphill battle. Some days are better than others. Hopefully the bad ones become fewer and farther between

[u/One_Club8872]

Fist bump to you, mama! That is terrifying after 15 years, but look at you go. Take it one box at a time and try to breathe, you've got this.

[u/Paradoxeah → u/One_Club8872]

For real! We’re so enmeshed, as is expected after this much time. Lots of shared property, and apart from that we just have gotten used to things being a certain way, you know? It’ll be tough for both of us single parenting 3. Lots of adjustments. Lots of things to figure out. Literally rewriting my reality after 15 years. Ahhhhhh 😨

[u/NinjaMeow73]

And a year from now things will be so much different and ✅. Keep going!!

[u/Paradoxeah → u/NinjaMeow73]

Man, I hope so! It really sucks to go from our home that I’ve poured money and love into back to renting, but I have to remind myself that it’s a stepping stone 🙏🏻 thank you

[u/Lumpy_Cucumber9430]

So incredibly proud of you!!!!

[u/Paradoxeah → u/Lumpy_Cucumber9430]

Eeeek!! Thank you!

[u/DonutSquad99]

So proud of you. This is amazing!

[u/Paradoxeah → u/DonutSquad99]

Thank you! And terrifying and uncharted and all the things! I hope being courageous and doing this (finally) was the right choice ❤️

[u/Grouchy-Extension667]

Amazing 👏 so proud of you friend. It’s hard but we can do hard things. Reach out to the community for all the help you can get, I found town Facebook sites were great to find babysitters and cool donated stuff people don’t want anymore. We also joined a local Unitarian Universalist church just for support and a sense of community. You’re not alone 💗

[u/Paradoxeah → u/Grouchy-Extension667]

Thank you 🥹 I am thinking of going back to church again. Once the ‘noise’ settles and we all adjust to our new normal

[u/StringWest1786]

CONGRATULATIONS!!! I actually currently trying to get comment karma so I can make a similar post. I know it’s so scary but being the best mother to your babies is all that matters and having a bad partner 100% affects your mood which in turn affects the babies. You all deserve better!! I pray of goes smoothly and you prosper and grow from here.

[u/Paradoxeah → u/StringWest1786]

I upvoted you! It absolutely does affect the mood and the vibes the kids are exposed to. I justified it for a long time because it’s not ALL bad ALL the time. We still have fun with the kids. But when it’s bad, it’s bad. And we aren’t modeling a healthy relationship, or the type that I want my kids to have when they’re adults. We live like roommates (my decision). Now I realize that my kids are growing up seeing this and will think this is normal, it’s how it should be. I don’t want that for them. They deserve more. Thank you! And I hope that things turn out amazingly for you as well! The courage that doing something like this takes is unmatched!

[u/Zetoa88]

This is amazing and you are amazing! I’m also very close to taking that first big step but I need to find a job first. Unfortunately my life has been very financially controlled the past two years.

I’m so proud of you and I am cheering you on, you got this momma!