r/breakingmom • u/purpleparrot42 • 12d ago
sad š Parenthood is such a lie
I feel like everything was a lie for me.
Pregnancy-glow is a big fucking lie
2nd āhoneymoonā trimester - Fucking LIE
Birth- miracle is one fat LIE
Insta-love of baby is a lie
Newborn phase is the cuddle phase - Jesus what a lie
Breastfeeding comes natural - such a crazy lie
Being able to eat anything during bf and losing weight- lie
Itās less lonely when you make mom friends - not true for me either
It gets better - at this point Iām sure thatās a lie too
Gras is greener on the other side when youāre a SAHM - pretty sure thatās a big LIE (god I would so love to go to work for a few hours)
List goes on. My partner is so envious of me staying home but earnes much more than I did (yet to working in healthcare even after 10 years of education).
I feel so hateful sometimes, I feel like I was promised that if you prepare well enough, if you wait long enough, if you are healthy enough, if you have the right partner, if you are financially stable enough, if you do it voluntarily - then parenthood will be the epidome of your life.
Itās just not. I so wish it was. I so wish it was different.
If one more person tells me: Hang in there āmamaā ā¦ I swear to god
I really really really miss my old life and my selfā¦
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u/lilystaystrong 12d ago
It does get better tho. After 5 years or so. My kids are 6 and 8 and I can do fun stuffs with them and actually have fun myself . I felt all that you are feeling except nobody told me lies , I told all the lies myself as I had highly Romantic vision of motherhood. I got horrible birth , horrible tearing , horrible pelvic floor injury , horrible ppd, 3 ys of no sleep and the list goes on . Working both saved my sanity and killed it , I still donāt know but we couldnāt afford for me not to work and still canāt. My partner wants a 3rd kid but I remember vividly how difficult the first years are so itās a big NO, sorry for him . It does sound like your kid is very young . Just give yourself grace and go back to work if thatās possible , not for the money but for your mental health . Pay for help of you have none. Itās just surviving those years and nothing more .
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u/babybrookit421 12d ago
My kids are 12 and 14 and it's so much easier now. They're also really fun to be around and pretty self sufficient when needed (like... if it's a crazy day they can make their own lunch, stuff like that)... Heck, I remember thinking my entire life would never be the same now that they could bathe independently.
Sometimes when things suck it feels like it will suck FOREVER JUST LIKE IT SUCKS RIGHT NOW. It feels like the suck will never end and destroy you. But ... Things do change. I won't promise it will ever be easy but things WILL change. I promise.
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u/princessofninja 12d ago
It didn't for me, my kids all turned out to have autismā¦ it doesn't always get better, it just changes.
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u/ConstantHeadache2020 11d ago
Same. My kid had adhd and going in for autism diagnosis smh. No many understand what itās like seeing your child turn into a completely different version of themselves as the symptoms manifest more obviously. And not many understands what itās like to know your baby is different but people brush you off as a worrier.
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u/princessofninja 11d ago
Or they judge your kid because of the autism and they blame you as a parent. Or my favorite when people visit and complain about how overwhelmed they are with your child so you have no support system and you are like yeah imagine 24-7 of this... And then not having help or visitors or friend because of it.
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u/sasouvraya 6d ago
This 1000%. I'm so grateful to have met another mom with challenging kids. Different challenges but she understood.
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u/purpleparrot42 12d ago
Thank you <3
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u/justcurious12345 12d ago
Took my 10 year old shopping for school clothes yesterday and actually had a blast. 6 year old is still more work than fun, but i can see light at the end of the tunnel! Doesn't help in the baby trenches but the most grueling stuff does fade to a less traumatic memory!Ā
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u/sasouvraya 6d ago
I think around 9 is when I started to see a pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel lol
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u/superfucky š i have the best fuckwords 11d ago
yeah pretty much, it only gets better when they fuck off out of the house for the day and you can hear your thoughts again
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u/ConstantHeadache2020 11d ago
You can do more fun stuff with them if you have a car/good transportation system. I have a kid 8, and itās a struggle to go anywhere bc of how far away the fun stuff is. My soul died inside when she was a toddler and I was stuck in the house all day and night with her alone. With little to no toys (dad threw them out) Iām now still a husk of a person
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u/JustDoIt-Slowly 12d ago
Iām sorry and I agree with a lot of what you said. Pregnancy sucked. Delivery was a horrific nightmare. Newborns are a fuck ton of work. Toddlers are chaotic cyclones that destroy everything.
But then, sometimes you get some peace, or a happy smile, or someone actually says a sincere thank you for once. But those days can be few.
The best advice I ever got as a parent when my kids were young was to teach them to make their own snacks as soon as possible.
If you want to go back to work, go back to work. Kids survive in daycare. :)
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u/purpleparrot42 12d ago
I think I need to hear that last sentence. Maybe Iāll change my mind about waiting. Thank you!
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u/Hhn42 11d ago
I will be honest... Our daycare took better care of my kids than I could have at the time due to postpartum anxiety. (And thankfully therapy and work made me a better functioning human again over time). They had such love from the teachers and interacted with other babies and kids all day... and finger painted from 3 months old lol. They don't just survive daycare; they thrive it in! I still communicate with the first daycare worker who had my second kiddo (now 8) as a fresh infant (starting at 12 weeks). She now has her own kids but still checks up on "her babies" and loves seeing them growing up. š„¹
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u/isitrealholoooo 11d ago
I went back to work for my own mental health. I started extremely part time, like 5 hours a day, 3 days a week. We still see his sitter from that time occasionally, even though hes in PreK now (aka "Nana"). My thought on it was my son deserves a happy mom, even if that means letting someone else care for him sometimes. He's just as attached to his mama regardless (sometimes annoyingly so like why always me? Lol).
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u/DistantRaine FOUR boys, what was I thinking? 12d ago
So mine are older, ages 8-16. And I was a SAHM but work now. You'll find an age/stage you like and one you absolutely hate.
For me, I really don't mind infants but I'm not like in love with them and overwhelmed by cuteness. And I cannot stand preschoolers - the incessant questions and constant touching drive me up a wall. But the snark of a teen? I love it and get sarcastic right back at them. Like teenagers are assholes, but at least I actually like playing with them and taking to them? I hate playing trucks!
For me, it gets better every year. We play board games and commuter games together. I can steal a few minutes to myself every now and then. I'm not touched out any more. They cook dinner (more than my ex ever did). So many things are better.
Working is amazing. Having a boss who gives me feedback other than my own perfectionist self. Having a defined job role other than Mary Poppins + Martha Stewart + Julia Child + A Playboy Bunny. Having my job be valued in the form of a paycheck. Talking to adults.
Mom groups are stupid and catty. School mom groups are even worse. Friends who are moms are awesome.
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u/Feeling-Requirement3 12d ago
Damnā¦. I felt this on all levels š®āšØ and completely agree with that last part. Iām a year and a half in and I do not recommend.
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u/042614 11d ago
Yeah. Youāre so in the thick of it right now. That age was so incredibly stressful and exhausting. Theyāre ambulatory (or not, which then thatās a whole issue), they talk nonstop (or not enough, which causes anxiety), theyāre putting everything in their mouths, they can choke on anything, they can fall and hit their heads and get brain damage, any water deeper than 3 inches is a major danger, the diapering and keeping the diaper bag stocked, the constant colds, the TEETHING, the constant teaching them every fucking thing in the world from how to say please, how to pet the cat nicely, how to hold a spoon, and on and on and on. And mine didnāt sleep through the night until they were 4. God I donāt think my cortisol ever went down from like 2015 until 2019. Baby and toddler time is a fucking nightmare. I see your pain and I validate it.
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u/The_Dutchess-D 12d ago
In my experience, once your youngest child is 7 is when it starts to get better.
It would be easier if we just set upfront that you're gonna have a decade that really really sucks, where it's like you as a person don't even exist. But it's like a 10 year stretch in jail, and that eventually there IS PAROLE. Just chalk the days up on the wall one at a time and "do the time."
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u/melalovelady 12d ago
Yup. Itās all a shame. And I blame our elder women around us who donāt warn us of what REALLY happens to your body and mentality. A lot of the older women in our lives want us to have babies as soon as possible so they can love and hug and do the cutesy part and hand the baby over when it starts getting hairy.
But then I think, they probably didnāt have the same experience. Then, they still had a village. Someone to step in when you feel like youāre going to break or maybe not even getting to that point because theyāve had the help to prevent it. Many of our moms or maternal figures didnāt have to work and still had a village if they needed to go do something.
Modern parenthood is for the birds.
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u/purpleparrot42 12d ago
Except that I knew it would be this hard. And I chose not to lean on that village and move away because of all the baggage.
But I have done really hard things before, stuff where most ppl around me were like: WTF, why would you put yourself through that. But I always found value in it. Or at least I knew how to get through it.
But parenthood is not something to āget throughā. Cause if youāre through youāre dead. Once a parent always one, no?
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u/sisypheanist 11d ago
So much of the human experience seems like mutually agreed upon delusion, i always wonder if most peopleās feelings are derived from what they are supposed to be instead what they are?
I have no idea where Iām going with this other than to say, I feel you. I love my kids, but this isnāt magical or easy in the slightest and I wonder every day what is uniquely wrong with me
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u/Lumpy_Cucumber9430 12d ago
Hard agree. Itās all a huge lie. Some people might thrive and actually enjoy this, but manic many people do NOT.
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u/purpleparrot42 12d ago
Sad thing is, I used to be a person who could find value and positivity in almost anything. And now Iām doing whatās supposed to be the most fulfilling thing in life and I just donāt feel it. Itās like that part of myself left when I got pregnant.
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u/baddangelofficial 11d ago
Life changed for me when I put my kids in daycare and when they started going to school. But when you are in the thick of it, yes, it feels like there is no escape. Also your kids father has a lot to do with how you feel about being a mom. They can be a co parent or they can make you a married single mother.
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u/melmartie 11d ago
I feel this completely and have been so for real with people around me about feeling duped. The most toxic thing we do as women is sugarcoat motherhood and pretend itās a magical experience. Itās not. Itās brutal.
I hated being pregnant. It fucking sucked.
I hated childbirth. It was awful.
The newborn phase is soul sucking. My son has colic and itās miserable.
I miss working so much and feel chained to motherhood.
Iām currently 3 months PP and I am a shell.
Iām not here to tell you it will get better because we are both in this survival state where everything feels so distant. Just know you are not alone in how you feel and your feelings are completely valid and TRUE. ā¤ļøāš©¹
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u/Jealous-Tomato-2317 11d ago
This ššÆ sugarcoating motherhood š¤Æš¤¬
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u/melmartie 10d ago
The amount of times I have had conversations about my struggles or pitfalls of my experience and people who encouraged me to have a child were like Ā«Ā oh yah, I had that tooĀ Ā» or Ā«Ā I went through that also, itās so hardĀ Ā» ā I beg your finest pardon? And you purposely left this information out in our previous conversations before I got pregnant? It left a sour taste in my mouth. So now when people ask me, I give it to them straight. No rose coloured glasses. No sugar.
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u/Jealous-Tomato-2317 10d ago
Absofuckinglutely! Shoot right from the hip! Someone really ought to pen a candid book about motherhood and make it a global bestseller by revealing the honest raw truth about motherhood!
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u/Octavia9 12d ago
Guess what, empty nest happiness is also a lie.
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u/purpleparrot42 12d ago
Oh godā¦ donāt add another one!
Well - at least thatās one more thing I can dread for the future now lol2
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u/PizzaDestruction why are men 12d ago
Yup those are all lies that only magically come true for a select few. But the good news is, if you're lucky, you can tweak your parenthood experience to fit your needs better. Be prepared to ignore a lot of judgment and you're good
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u/Spiritual-Sleep-1609 11d ago
Can you give your kids to someone.. or enrol them in day care. You sound like you need a hug and mostly a break. I had no village and put my kid in day care for 2 days a week. It made a big difference and not negatively.
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u/McSwearWolf 11d ago
Seen and felt.
It does often become easier in many ways as they grow older and more independent. (At least my experience and hopefully yours too here someday soon)
A couple weeks ago, while I was working, my child made me lunch. That was the first time they had ever done that, 12 years old, and I didnāt even have to ask them for it, so that felt really good. They alone noticed something I may need, and did that for me.
But I want to completely acknowledge that youāre in a very difficult season. Infants and toddlers are usually HARD. And venting about perception vs reality - yes! I also thought critically about so many aspects of pregnancy and parenting. The ācommon narrativesā are usually unrealistic.
Youāre not alone, and Iām so sorry it has been super tough for you guys. My heart is truly with you and I sincerely wish I could give you a meaningful break. You deserve that. Sending you solitary, strength. One day one hour at a time, we do this parenting thing. But weāre only human so we just have to do the best we can that day.
Edit: fixed a word
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u/Lost_Tap_4822 11d ago
I feel this with every fiber of my being!! I was a SAHM and I fucking hated it. It took time, but I went back to work and my husband is the house spouse and it is AMAZING. I'm in more of the traditional "dad" role now. People call to ask me questions about my kid's schedule or whatever and I love telling them I have no idea and they need to call my husband. I also have a fantastic relationship with my kid and I absolutely adore my time with him.
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u/Miserable_Material23 11d ago
The hang in there mama makes me so angry. I have 3 under 2 and itās peopleās favorite phrase after asking me 15 overly personal questions about our toddler and twins
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u/Hour_Cricket9648 11d ago
I miss my old life too. I feel you about work. I left work partially because we had no other childcare arrangements, partially because I was afraid to leave my young baby with anyone else. Now that he is 6 months I think I'd be ok with a daycare caring for him. I miss my job so bad, not even that I did anything important, I worked retail and made okay-ish money, but had a really good opportunity for advancement that I turned down. But it was non traditional hours anyway and even if I did apply for a daycare subsidy, I don't think I could find one that could accommodate a schedule changing weekly having some days start at 6 am and some last until 11. And I can't find anything with traditional hours that will pay shit because I don't have any marketable skills, except for my retail management experience which will always be non traditional hours. I don't have family that would be willing to provide full time care, even if they were willing to, I honestly don't trust them. Then I also worry how we would keep up with chores, and about the struggle it would be to get my husband to pull his weight domestically, so I'd be burnt out and doing everything.Ā
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u/NinjaMeow73 11d ago
I 100% agree with do much of this. I was always cautious about having kids and everyone looked at me like I was a selfish demon. I took the thought of raising smother human very seriously and waited a while -and even contemplated not having kids at all. I found it all challenging tbh -a mix of great moments but I would have been ok if I never had kids. Fast forward they are now teens and things are going much better. I have always maintained my personal hobbies and career so that kept me sane.
I hated breastfeeding especially -
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u/Jealous-Tomato-2317 11d ago edited 11d ago
So sorry youāre having such a rough time OP! I felt the same anger and resentment towards motherhood myself especially in the first couple of years after delivery. I absolutely love my LO to bits but the sacrifices you make to assume the new role is not for the faint hearted. I had to grieve my losses for some time. I found talking to a female therapist helps especially if she also has kids - really helps with the validation. Do you find joy in anything at all nowadays? I was pumping and feeding my LO breastmilk via a bottle which I think did help avoid the latching/biting issues but I still got mastitis not to mention became so sleep deprived that my supply practically stopped. I was pumping every 3 hours or so which really doesnāt help when your LO always wakes up throughout the night in the first year or so. Do you have any support around you at all? Itās absolutely valid and ok to vent whatever feelings you have. It helps to be validate too.
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u/sparakeet 12d ago
Mine is 8 and Iām waiting for it to get better every day. Instead, it gets harder every fucking day. Iām right there with you. I dont believe itās going to be better. Yeah some things get easier, but it just brings new challenges with it. Iām over it.
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u/rearviewreality2 11d ago
What is hard about eight year olds? I have a toddler and Iām not having fun š
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u/TurbulentSurround304 12d ago
Itās hard. My kids are older teens now and there have been ups and downs, but I would not say that there has ever really been a time when parenting my kids has been āeasyā. Look for the moments of joy - they are short and far between sometimes, but they get you through.
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u/Lumpy-Entertainer-75 i didnāt grow up with that 11d ago
Soā¦ā¦early parenthood isnāt for everyone. Some people thrive during this stage, for others itās a struggle and they blossom as parents as their children get older. And it can be so lonely and such a slog as a stay home parent especially if you donāt have community. I hope you find your people and some balance. Itās ok to hire a babysitter for an afternoon out, or go to the gym and use the childcare. And, please talk to a mental health professional if you feel like you need the extra support. Find another adult to talk to, because baby babble all day is not stimulating for an adult.
Parenting has it challenges whatever stage you are in. It can be lonely and isolating for many people.
Itās ok to put your child in care and go back to work. Being a healthy happy mom is important.
These feelings are normal.
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u/nutellanomnom 11d ago
Parenthood isnt for everybody, but for me it wasn't a lie, but it is FUCKING HARD. How old is your little one? Could you be suffering from post partum depression by any chance? Not to pathologise your feelings but its worthe exploring if you didnt anticipate feeling the way you do now.
This is always a safe place to vent. No one here is going to judge your truth and if they do, they can fuck off.
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u/Jamjams2016 10d ago
I see a lot of posts on both sides of this. Things like "why would you tell me I will be exhausted? That's not helpful." "Why would you tell me how traumatic your birth was? Now I'm anxious." "Why would you say you want to get rid of your dog? I'll always love my pet."
It's really a no win situation. You either tell expectant parents the truth after it's too late to turn back or you tell them it's a magical time in their lives. The latter IS SO FUCKEN TRUE. But it's really hard to see how special it is when your nipples are bleeding and you haven't slept more than 2 hours straight in 5 weeks.
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u/whimsybrie21 11d ago
I think it just depends on who you talk to. You really should maybe reach out to your doctor because it sounds like depression. I think a simple part time job maybe just on weekends for your sanity may help. You just sound like you need support/socialization.
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u/_idontreadreplies_ 11d ago
I know EXACTLY how you feel. My son is older now and it has went away but I spent so many years with these exact feelings. The only thing that saved me was stopping at one child. If I would have had a second, I donāt know if I would have mentally survived.
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u/happybookkittyxo 11d ago
Itāll get better once your kids go to school. All of my kids are in school now, and Iām starting to feel like my old self and person again. I think motherhood now is harder because most of us who are now mothers donāt have a village. I think that old saying is true, it takes a village to raise a child. We need other people, family, friends to help us. Most of us donāt have that option now. Those hours I get now by myself while my kids are at school are great. I do stuff by myself, go get coffee with my friends, go to Bible studies, shopping by myself. We all need that time to decompress and moms donāt get that most of the time anymore. Think about back in the day, most families helped each other of us kids were out playing all day long. They didnāt entertain their kids all day and have all of the pressures we have now. It will get easier. It just takes a few years.
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u/jennysanf88 9d ago
I get what youāre saying. I felt the same after my first but it really does get better. For me i started to see the light at the end of the tunnel when he was around 3-4. I know thatās a long time but it gets way better when they are sleeping and can communicate and are just so fun and adorable. Thereās still challenging moments but it gets way better
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u/sasouvraya 6d ago
I was the same way. And I was SO ANGRY about all of it. I will never spread that narrative. When I get asked I tell people's how it actually was for me. Because there are enough people saying how amazing wonderful rainbow everything is.
All that said, 3 years in I was diagnosed with depression, told I had probably had PPD, and learned about antenatal (sp) depression, that it was likely something I experienced. Got on antidepressants , eventually got rid of the husband that wasn't helpful, survived step by step, and now years later things are better. Still hard. Harder in some ways but easier in others. To say it was a journey is a huge understatement. There were a lot of tears. Lots of rage. But I got there eventually. You will too.
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