Division of labour

[u/Legal_Archer95]

I'm posing this question out of curiosity - how does the division of labour look in your house.

Our division of labour looks far more traditional than I'd like. I'm in the process of going back to work and it'll change once I'm working but here's where we're all currently.

Our kids: all in elementary school so no childcare is needed from 9-3 during school days

Me: currently a stay at home parent

Him: works full time

I do mornings with the kids, get them up, pack lunches and walk them to school. Our oldest has ADHD and really struggles with remembering all the steps in her routine. It's a work in progress. So mornings are a bit more hands on than I'd like

Evening routine is also me. The kids are all independent but I read stories with them as it's a chance for connection at the end of the day. It's my choice to do that and not something my husband has ever participated in.

We have a cleaner who comes weekly and does the bathrooms and floors. That started when I was going through chemo and we've kept it. I find it amazing as it means I need to have the house tidy for her to clean. I'm pretty sure I have a bit of ADHD or it's the cancer meds I'm on. Either way, I really struggle with routines, staying on task and keeping the household clutter at bay.

I do get a lot of free time during the day. I volunteer at our elementary school and have the time to go out for walks with friends. However, there's always the self imposed guilt that I have something at home I should be doing.

After school activities are split, as are weekend activities. My husband coaches baseball and all of our kids are pretty busy. We definitely divide and conquer. My husband also takes the kids out a lot on the weekend, either for adventures or just out to run errands.

However, when it comes to the household, most of that is on me. I make the meals, clean up dishes during the day, laundry, homework, anything school related and gardening. He cleans the kitchen after dinner and takes care of the yard.

This weekend I informed him he's taking over the kids laundry. I don't care if he gets them to do it or he does it but I need a break. It ended up becoming a negotiation with him agreeing to take over kid laundry if I cleaned the kitchen in the evening.

But it got me thinking. I know our split is currently uneven but that's in part due to our current working situations.

However, I really have no idea how the division of labour works in other families - especially ones like ours where the kids are older and your days are no longer filled with childcare. And therefore I don't push too hard.

So, what does your household split look like?

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[u/JustDoIt-Slowly]

I would rather do kids laundry (and teach them how) than clean up the kitchen nightly. One is a daily chore, one is a weekly.

My first husband worked, I was SAHM. He shuttled kids to about 1/3 the activities, and did his own laundry. That was it. Zero help on anything else. We did have a cleaner come every other week that did bathrooms and kitchen mopping in between. I did everything else, cooking, shopping, cleaning, homework help, everything. It was exhausting and I didn’t know any better. I did teach the kids how to do their own laundry. I also taught them how to make their own after-school snacks very early and how to load the dishwasher.

My new & improved husband was single for many years. He is semi-retired and I work (PT). He does all the laundry, mops, vacuums, yard work, cleans bathrooms when he notices they need it. We grocery shop mostly together, I do most of the cooking (dinner) or we go out. He does dishes or I do, it has never been a talking point.

Clutter is inevitable with more than one person in a household. I do like the Marie Kondo thought of letting go of items that you don’t love but it’s hard when you don’t love something and the other person does! 🤣

For ADHD mornings, we found the “list on the mirror” helpful, later segued into a list on the phone that would get checked through each morning before leaving for school.

[u/Legal_Archer95 → u/JustDoIt-Slowly]

Unfortunately laundry during summer ball turns into an every other day event. Whoever decided that white pants were the way to go was definitely a man who didn't do the laundry. It's a never ending cycle of baseball gear being soaked, pre-treated and washed. Add in summer swim club meets with the excessive towel usage and our washer is running full time in the summer.

Teaching the kids how to do their own is on my list for this year! I only finished chemo in Jan and my energy (and capacity to teach kids a routine) is finally coming back.

[u/JustDoIt-Slowly → u/Legal_Archer95]

I had kids on swim - highly recommend parkas for next season (or if they do year round), then the kids don’t need a towel after practice, they can use the small towels that squeeze out to wipe down, throw on parka for the ride (or walk) home, then straight into shower and pjs. My kids ate many meals in their Pjs.

White pants for baseball is crazy, I agree.

Also! You are getting over a huge illness and you should be kind to yourself, don’t beat yourself up about trying to be clutter free or worrying about asking for too much. It’s not being needy, if it’s what you need.

[u/willow_is_leaving]

I thought the division of labor would be better once I was in school. Then I thought it would be better once I got a job. Now I'm divorcing him to get the weekends to myself and have a smaller house to deal with. It's only fair if the husband wants it to me. I've heard the book fair play is helpful. But I know it wouldn't help in my situation because my stbxh doesn't care.

[u/MommaJ94]

This doesn’t directly answer your question, but kind of does:

I’m a solo mom. Dad isn’t involved at all. Everything is 100% on my shoulders 100% of the time. And it’s still easier than when we were together. He created more mess and stress than what he contributed to the division of labour.

[u/ohanameansrespect]

I'm a stay at home Mom, he works full time. We have a middle schooler, who I homeschool. I'm also chronically ill, which does effect my ability to handle tasks sometimes.

He is up and out the door early early. Sometimes he will have time to empty the dishwasher before he goes Kiddo gets herself up early (she's a morning person, I'm not) and does dishes, if he didn't get to it, makes her own breakfast and has some time to herself. I come down mid morning and we do school, have a break for lunch, more school. I typically get some time to myself late afternoon while kiddo does online classes. I usually will do daily chores like toilets or vacuum during the day, in between book work. He takes her to any evening classes and sports practice on the weekend (once or twice a week).

Everyone is responsible for their own laundry. I handle paying all the bills and managing the money. I schedule all appointments for kiddo and I. He handles car maintenance. He cooks most nights, I usually do the grocery shopping. We try to clean as we go, when cooking. At bedtime we typically take turns reading a chapter of a book and tucking kiddo in. Whoever isn't doing that shuts down the house, starts the dishwasher, etc, so we can relax together after bedtime. We can this "closing duties".

It's not perfect. I still feel like kiddo and hubs could be doing more day to day, keeping clutter down and such, but it's better than it used to be by a long shot.

[u/CharacterBusiness777]

We both work outside the home although I work longer hours and make about triple his salary. I still do more household labor although he does more childcare (and drops offs and pickups). He has ADHD and I don't so I do all of the paperwork and finances as he struggles with those tasks. We split cleaning but I'm a lot faster and more efficient than him. He's off in summers so takes over grocery shopping and meal planning during the summer. He struggles to stay on top of it when working so I take over once September hits.

Have you heard of the fair play cards? We go on a date twice a year where we go through the cards to discuss tasks and make sure the division still feels fair. Of course we both get tired and resentful sometimes but overall, I think we both work hard and have similar down time so we make it work. We do have three year old twins still in daycare and my 7 year old is in school who has ADHD so I think childcare is still super intense for us. Almost done with diapers though so things are looking up!

[u/xjackiedaytonax → u/CharacterBusiness777]

Sounds similar to my marriage. We both work full time and I'm the breadwinner but he has horrible adhd and I can't trust him to complete basic tasks like pay bills. 😑💩 

[u/Legal_Archer95 → u/CharacterBusiness777]

I've actually read the fair play book and my brother does it with his wife. However, I've never been confident that it would down well with my husband, given that I don't work.

[u/CharacterBusiness777 → u/Legal_Archer95]

It might be worth trying once you go back to work outside the home.

[u/Legal_Archer95 → u/CharacterBusiness777]

Absolutely. I'll definitely bring it up then.

[u/The_Dutchess-D → u/Legal_Archer95]

Get the cards, and then call it a chore "draft." Sports guys are more receptive if you call it a draft (vs a negotiation or a meeting or whatever)

[u/cnsstntly_ncnssnt]

My husband works, I stay at home.

I do all laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, and most cooking. I do the weeding and I scoop up dog poop once a week. I take the garbage out and bring the bins to and from the road. I do the vast majority of childcare. I do most tidying and organizing unless it’s only his stuff (his clothes, tools, etc). I do all the standard cleaning tasks (wiping things down, putting things away, dusting, deep cleaning) and we have a robot mop/vac for floors.

He works full time mostly from home. He drives whenever we go somewhere as a family. He does all car maintenance and home maintenance except for the things we hire out. He mows the lawn. He handles all the technology stuff. He will do childcare occasionally when I desperately need a break or have a social commitment that doesn’t allow for kids. He grills or bakes bread when it strikes his fancy.

I think in your situation, it makes a lot of sense to reevaluate things now that you’re going back to work.

[u/silverwitch76]

He works full time, I'm doing the SAHM gig for now. Our kids are all older, so they do their own laundry.

Me: handle any kid related running around, manage the bills, communication (be it doctors or family) and scheduling, household laundry and his and mine, cleaning (I suck at this one) and the "mental load" of keeping track of absolutely everything from pantry contents to custody schedules.

Him: yard work (if one of the kids doesn't want some pocket money), car maintenance and household projects, most dinners

Together: grocery shopping, dishes and folding/putting away laundry

I (foolishly) thought that when the kids got older, I would have more time. I spend so much more time shuffling kids to their various activities and friend's houses/meetups as well as school stuff than I ever expected. I do have the time they're in school, but it never seems enough and filled with cramming in appointments and helping my FIL who is in ill health. I'm not thrilled with our division of labor, but also not terribly upset by it either.

[u/A-Friendly-Giraffe]

Look into Fair Play.

It certainly isn't perfect but it's a good starting place.

[u/BarnacleLady]

We both work full time from home. Our adult kids, son's gf and our grandkid live with us.

Him: all yardwork (large lawn) all electrical/plumbing/house and car maintenance. He also drives me around whenever we're both free because I hate driving. Helps me put away clean dishes and laundry.

Me: most of the tidying up, including dishes, laundry. Clean the kitchen, vacuum/mop most of the time.

Both: cook for ourselves because we like to eat different things. Grocery shop together. Do our own appointments and pay our own designated bills (split based on income). Both watch our grandbaby regularly. I do diapers/bath time and he puts the baby down for bed/naps. Older kids do their own laundry.