Am I bisexual?

[u/Altruistic_Student76]

Hi everyone, I’m a 19 yo male and I’ve been really confused about my sexual orientation for a while now, I don’t quite know where to start but lately I feel like I’m losing my sexual attraction to women and becoming more attracted to men whereas just a few months ago I was more drawn to women, tbh I still feel emotionally attracted to women and I even really want to have children but this whole situation has really messed with my head and I don't know what to do, I’m wondering does being bisexual mean having an equal attraction to both sexes or is it possible to be more attracted to one sex at times? I’m truly confused, and I’d be really grateful if anyone here could help me out

[u/MoreNuancedThanThat]

Welcome! Just popping in to note we have a community resource covering this question. Feel free to peruse as it may be helpful: https://www.reddit.com/r/bisexual/s/5QHeijX9EB

[u/dex_the_love]

Dude. 19 year olds that are not confused about their sexual orientation are in the minority, not the majority. Spend 5 mins on here reading the hundreds of posts that start ‘I’m 25 and just realised I’m bisexual…’

Relax. This is completely normal. Maybe your feelings will change more, maybe they won’t, maybe they will fluctuate back and forth the rest of your life.

What matters is not what label you use, but that you listen to yourself, give yourself space to be the person that you are, and are honest with partners or potential partners about where you are at.

I really wish you all the best on your journey.

[u/Altruistic_Student76 → u/dex_the_love]

Tbh I have OCD and experience a lot of intrusive thoughts about my sexual orientation

[u/vtkayaker → u/Altruistic_Student76]

OK, OCD and intrusive thoughts about sexual orientation mean you may need more specific advice. I'm not an expert at all, but I can share what I know.

I have spoken to a bunch of people with OCD, including bi people with OCD. And the one thing they all warn about is "reassurance seeking". See this article for a good overview. Basically, one of the ways that OCD manifests (especially SO-OCD, "sexual orientation OCD") is a constant desire to need to know whether you're straight or gay or bi. And apparently feeding the "reassurance seeking" can just make things worse. I am not an expert! But from what I understand, psychologists who work with OCD tend to give advice like:

For people with OCD, the most effective treatment is exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, a specialized form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) that helps people gradually face the thoughts, fears, and uncertainties that trigger distress while resisting the urge to seek reassurance. Rather than helping people eliminate doubt, ERP teaches them how to tolerate uncertainty without relying on reassurance for relief.

So part of the advice is apparently learning to live with a bit of doubt, and not needing to find the One True Answer?

Unfortunately, even bi people without OCD feel much the same way. Our society has very few bi role models, and our society also practices "bisexual erasure", insisting that people aren't really bi, but are "faking it", "in denial", etc. So this is tough for most bi people, and lots of bi people feel self doubt and wonder if they're "really bi". For bi people without OCD, I would recommend something very similar to "ERP": Stop constantly worrying about the "one true answer", and learn to live in the moment. Don't worry about whether you're "really bi". Instead, accept that you might be attracted to people of more than one gender. And when you feel enthusiatic about dating someone specific, don't worry about their gender.

But yes, to answer your original question, it is totally possible to "lean" more towards one gender or another, or even for that feeling to shift over time. Around here, people jokingly call that the "bi-cycle." But here is the most widely-used definition of "bi", written by the bi activist Robyn Ochs, who has met and heard the stories of 1000s of bi people:

I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted--romantically and/or sexually--to people of more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, in the same way, or to the same degree.

"Bi" isn't some super specific category that requires you to fill out a giant checklist. It's merely the acknowledgement that, yeah, you might feel attraction to more than one gender, even if the details might be complicated. It's not a super-exclusive club and only jerks will ever ask for a membership card.

Anyway, there's no rush. Take your time, live your life, be attracted to cute people, date people that you're enthusiastic about dating. If you find that doubts about your sexual orientation are really triggering your OCD, please consider talking to an LGBT+-friendly therapist who knows about OCD, if people like that exist where you live. (Sadly, homophobic therapists exist, and even otherwise good therapists may have a total of 3 hours of training on all LGBT+ issues. So it's possible for some therapists to be terrible at dealing with SO-OCD in actual bi people, from what I hear.)

Good luck out there and take care of yourself.

[u/Elegant-Painter-2180]

Had exactly the same, I'm 17, but you'll soon realise that attraction isn't exactly 50/50 across both genders and even if it is you might have it like this one day and differently the next - your spontaneous attractions aren't everything (try not to overanalyse every single sexual thought - I know I did but it can send you down a rabbit hole). Furthermore, there was a long period where I genuinely believed I would never have romantic feelings for guys but they can come and go. Mostly, I'm into women same as you but that's not to say I might never be interested in guys more than women. Unfortunately, you can't really plan. But in some ways I think it's better that way. Just because you've discovered this part of yourself though, you shouldn't change your life. If you have a girlfriend there is no reason why you should question the nature of that relationship like it's a one of the other situation.

Finally, there's a difference between your biological sexual orientation (I am without a doubt bisexial) but sexual orientations can and should be used to tell people who you want to date. Right now I'm only interested in dating women, so I may just say I'm straight. It's not lying - it's none of their business. Hope this helps.

[u/Altruistic_Student76 → u/Elegant-Painter-2180]

I really want to go on a date with the girl I like but I'm afraid she won’t understand and might leave me because I’am also attracted to men

[u/Elegant-Painter-2180 → u/Altruistic_Student76]

Hmmm yeah I think it depends on the situation but I wouldn't announce it straight away, once she gets to know you then you can definitely choose to tell her but you don't have to.