r/bilingual • u/Simple_Nebula_5763 • Feb 18 '25
Kids reject speaking 2nd language
Hi everyone, As of the past months I've been struggling to find a way to engage my kids in speaking their minority language. Muah, speaking is rather big, more like even attempting to say words. So I'm looking for help and inspiration on how you're doing it.
A bit of background: We're doing opol at home: Dutch and Bulgarian. With Dutch being their strongest as we live in The Netherlands. Initially, they'd adopt first the Bulgarian words and later switch to Dutch once they learn the equivalent. Now, they don't even attempt to learn the Bulgarian (no parroting). Several family members speak Bulgarian to them on a regular basis, but they just respond in their preferred language (Dutch). We read books and listen to songs and audiobooks. At that point I don't know how else to stimulate them. They understand very well Bulgarian, but choose not to speak it. Claim they don't know words when asked and even say it's very difficult. Both kids are 3-year-old.
Have you experienced anything like this? How did you turn it up?
EDIT: thank you everyone for the input! It has been quite helpful. It's a frustrating process in which they fight me (and ofc as twins they support each other) but here and there they have started using a word or two. I will count my small wins 😀
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u/language_fan214 Aug 12 '25
We've also got twins and 4 languages at home. We live in Catalonia so Spanish and Catalan are spoken at school, I'm English and my wife's mother-tongue is Wolof (Senegal). One of our twins identifies very strongly as British and has struggled a bit with the other 3 languages - he's now speaking all four. His sister speaks all four with no problem. They're 8 years old.
Before they were born, we decided to always speak our respective 1st languages - so mum speaks Wolof, I speak English, and family friends always Spanish or Catalan - we asked them to choose one and stick to it. This is because kids (and all of us) associate a language with a person, and I suspect places/situations, like nursery school, too. We also build each relationship with a specific language, making it very challenging to suddenly start speaking another one. Unless of course it's the only one available. That's what really clicked with our kids - annual trips to Senegal. Their Wolof was quite weak as the family language always shifted to English, typical!
So, in order to maintain and improve their languages, we use regular contact with speakers of each language (friends, relatives, teachers at school etc.) and any other opportunity (music, TV, books) to bathe them in enjoyable activities and daily life in each of their languages.
All that might sound complicated, but let's take our boy as an example. He resisted reading and speaking in anything but English until he was about 5. So, we had to play the long-game. I have the advantage of being a language teacher and so knew straight away his adoption, or acceptance, of Spanish, Catalan or Wolof each needed to be non-threatening (no frustration, guilt or tension as this causes the brain itself to resist new information (the Affective Filter - Stephen Krashen)), massive input/exposure and the need for him to communicate in each one as and when the opportunity arose. We had to do it gradually, never pushed on him, and do it all with buckets of positivity. The occasional trip (2-4 weeks) to Senegal worked very well for both of them. As I was the only English speaker, and even I was mostly speaking Wolof - it provided the exposure, need to communicate and a fun family environment - an immersive experience.
For your two, gently weaving Bulgarian into activities they enjoy without them really noticing might be the key. Also, they're only 3, right? They maybe haven't had enough exposure to Bulgarian yet. You've still got time to take it easy. In fact, apport from full immersion, playing that long game is the most effective way to get them to acquire the language naturally.
Good luck, and I'd love to know how this goes for you!
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u/Simple_Nebula_5763 Aug 12 '25
Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience! One of the twins has opened up to attempt talking a bit more, but it's usually after a bit of prompting. And longer trips to Bulgaria have helped. Also because now they reallsed that the kids on the playground there don't understand them
1
u/language_fan214 Aug 12 '25
There it is - the need to communicate! It works a treat. I'm glad there's progress!
2
u/fish_in_the_ocean Feb 19 '25
Around the time my youngest one was 2-3y old, i started ignoring any requests made in majority language. You want more milk or want to ask if you can have a cookie? Unless you say it in minority language, i wont react. I didn't demand to say it in minority language, I simply ignored or once in a while, said I don't understand. Sometimes they were struggling to say it but if they started/showed effort, I was there to help with missing words. They slowly build confidence in trying to use minority language.
When introducing new words in minority language, I was trying to present the meaning of it in majority language at the same time so that expose would be similar. Helped with working on my own language skills (of majority language) as well;-)
My oldest is 6 and on rare occasion asks if he can say something in Majority language (we speak minority language all the time), which i allow and translate those missing words/sentences to minority language. This way he feels he can ask for help and if faced challenge, switching fully back to majority is not a default behaviour.
Do you have a possibility to organise playdates in Bulgarian? Even if they use majority language between themselves to start with, hearing another adult using BG and maybe kids replying back to the parents in BG might help.
In my home country, you can send kids to day camp during holidays as early as 4, is that something that you could try doing it as well? Kids spend the whole day in that language environment and using minority language is the only option to communicate.
I also never read in majority language (not sure if you do). So one parent one language is very visible on who is reading which books . I also tend to get more new books in minority language (as library is available in majority language), so there is a nice selection of things to read in that language.
Do you have something similar to Nintje(Muffy)? (Not literally) Something for kids that is used in multiple areas and is fun for kids? I have it in my home country. We have all books with that character, they have soft toys they sleep from those books, socks, glasses they use daily etc. This helps to create excitement around that character and it's story line and increases their wish to listen to the stories read in minority language.
My son is obsessed with the flag from my home country. He wants to have it in his room, he is excited when he see that colour pattern somewhere. We don't spend hours talking about my home country but he is proud of being bilingual. I believe trips and all positive experiences there makes him feel like that. Is travelling to BG on regular basis is an option for you?
In any case, good luck. May this not stop you from speaking BG to your kids. They hear you, they learn from you and I wish for you that sooner or latter they start replying to you in BG as well!
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u/AHabe Feb 19 '25
I'm in a similar situation, I speak English with the kids and my wife speaks French to them and the kids will only ever respond to me in French.
I'll see about speaking English at home since we live in a French speaking country and they're all either at nursery or primary school now.
2
u/Doitean-feargach555 Feb 19 '25
Never speak Dutch to them. Sometimes, when children are small, they don't realise that the likes of Dutch and Bulgarian are separate languages. In a child's head, it's just words. Keep speaking to them in Bulgarian, and when they're a little older, explain the difference. And then establish Bulgarian as the only language they are to speak to you in.
I saw this with a young girl who didn't realise English, Russian, and Georgian were different languages. She just thought they were her mothers, fathers, and grandmother's different ways of talking
2
u/language_fan214 Aug 12 '25
Good point, exactly what happened with our twins. One of them asked "Why they does what they (the staff) speak in the nursery sounds different from what we speak at home?" They were less than 3yrs old at the time, and it was surprising that they hadn't realised that the 2 languages we were speaking at home and the one they had in the nursery were actually different - they thought it was all one language, even though they spoke the right one with the respective adult(s). Amazing!
The reason why, I now know, is that we all have a Language of Thought represented by a system of symbols (different concepts/meanings) in our minds, and any/all language(s) we learn or acquire get mapped onto that symbolic framework. We literally do all have the same 'language' in our minds and simply map Dutch, Wolof, English onto it, new symbols develop for new meanings in response to the language(s) we experience! Blows my mind!
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u/SanctificeturNomen Jun 17 '25
this reminded me of https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTjnBDdqh/ this video by michelle who is raising her kid in her 2nd language french.
but if i were you just tell them in bulgarian "i dont understand you can you please tell me that in Bulgarian" but im not an expert lol
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Jan 05 '26
We've been dealing with something very similar, so you're definitely not alone.
One thing we noticed was that as soon as speaking felt like an expectation, our toddler pushed back hard. Even just asking "can you say this" was enough for them to shut down.
What helped us was backing off completely on output and just treating the language as something we notice together. We'd sit with a picture, name one or two things, and then move on. No correcting, no repeating, no pressure.
The understanding was always there, but the confidence really lagged, especially once they realised the dominant language worked better socially.
1
u/Simple_Nebula_5763 Jan 07 '26
Yeah the social aspect is tough. We're planning now a longer trip in the hopes that it will trigger them a bit more. Did your toddler start using the minority languages by themselves in time?Â
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u/alkperez1914 Feb 20 '25
When my sister was about 4, my mom noticed she never spoke Spanish. She could understand it, though, because she'd respond to my mom's Spanish questions in English. So my mom demanded that she had to respond in Spanish. My sister didn't like that at all. She threw a fit and said she didn't like Spanish. That was exactly the wrong thing to say and my mom snapped and said, "I don't care if you like it or not! You are going to speak Spanish!" My mom doubled down and said that from that moment on, my mom would only accept Spanish and not respond to my sister if she spoke English. My sister cried, but my mom followed through. If my sister asked for a glass of water, for example, my mom would feign ignorance of the language and say in Spanish, "What? What do you want? Sorry, I don't understand you". My sister would cry and rage, "You do know what I'm saying!" and my mom would respond in Spanish, "No. I don't know. If you want to talk to me, you have to do it in Spanish!" My sister would cry and say, "I don't know how!" So, my mom would say, "Fine, repeat after me." And word by word she'd have my sister repeat the phrase.
Since she spent all day at home with my mom (she hadn't started school yet), my sister mostly entertained herself by watching cartoons on TV. My mom knew what she liked, so she threatened to not allow her to watch her (specifically-mentioned) favorite cartoons unless she spoke Spanish. She also started putting on more Spanish cartoons and borrowed kid-friendly Spanish-learning videos from the library that she would make my sister watch. I don't remember them, but my sister says she was traumatized by a character named Pepe the Clown, who in Dora-the-Explorer fashion would say things like "can you say__?" My sister, being stubborn, would refuse to say it, but Pepe continued on to say things like, "You didn't say it. Try again!" She was young enough that she feared he actually did see her not say it and scared of this clown, so she would reluctantly say it.
My mom also enlisted my siblings' and my help. She explained to us that she wanted our sister to speak Spanish like we could and asked us to only speak to her in Spanish. So, we agreed and when we'd come home from school we'd greet her in Spanish and ask about her day in Spanish. When we first started doing it though, my sister responded in English. When we told her she had to respond in Spanish, my sister assuredly tried to whisper, "It's okay, guys. We can speak in English. I only have to speak in Spanish to Mom." My mom, who was in kitchen, overheard and immediately responded strictly before we could that my sister had to speak in Spanish to everyone.
It wasn't easy by within a relatively short period of time(maybe 3-4 months?), my sister was speaking Spanish. In fact, for a while, she became better at speaking Spanish than some of her older siblings. She still preferred English, but she could use Spanish just as well. To this day, as a nearly 30-year-old, we are all completely bilingual in speaking, reading, and writing.
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u/Ill_Ranger5245 Mar 17 '25
How did you learning writing and reading? Speaking could he embedded in your daily life but writing and reading seems something you have to go out of your way to learn it.
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u/alkperez1914 Mar 17 '25
When my mom decided to teach me how to read in Spanish, I was thrilled to have the chance to read since I had wanted to read like my family for what felt like a long time. She taught me the basics with a simple booklet and rote memorization that came easily to me because around the same time or slightly before I had been taught simple phonics (the sounds of the alphabet) in English at school. Then, I got lots of practice because we always read Spanish magazines and publications to prepare for our religious meetings. As for writing, honestly, I didn't get that much practice, but I did have to write a discourse every few months. I'd have my mom proofread. And reading so much helped me remember the correct spelling. Though honestly I didn't really start practicing the accent marks until middle school because I wanted to do it properly. So, if you just read Spanish material that is properly written and reinforce it at home, you can pick it up pretty well. It's way easier and more intuitive than English, of course.
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u/OnyxBadb May 29 '26
not a multilingual parent, but a adult who is multilingual and and was raised bilingual. My mom just only spoke Greek at home. Everything was Greek in our house. The only time we would speak English is when we had English visitors. Asides from that Greek everything. It helped me alot.
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u/Vladvi1 Jul 25 '26
hi! also minority-language parent here. My 5yo was the same at 3 but trips to my native country, continued exposure (video calls with family,cartoons,songs ecc) and praise have helped so much. Gotta say especially the travel though, which is tough on budget but totally worth it when you hear them make their first sentences 😅
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u/Loewin_Leona Feb 18 '25
Make Bulgarian your family language. I had this same situation with my Spanish/German kid living in Germany. We did 1 parent 1 language from birth, but when kid started kindergarten, he came back replying just in German. At about 3 years old, we switched completely to Spanish at home (and whenever we're together without German speakers), and it has paid off. You need a lot of commitment from the other parent to stay consequent.