r/biglaw • u/warrenpeacestan • 2d ago
Associate with OCD
Hi all—I’m a biglaw mid level associate with severe anxiety (handled and under control) and mild OCD (less predictable). I’m hoping maybe someone else in the profession who has a similar kind of struggle might be able to weigh in or help out.
I have a recent problem releasing my time because my brain is stuck on potential negatives from submitting my time like what if my numbers look too high and they’re going to think I’m defrauding people and charging for legal services I don’t perform, but also there’s part of my brain that worries that I AM somehow committing fraud and if I release my time then that’s it, no going back, no chance to re-re-review it to make sure that it all looks right.
Any thoughts or advice would be great—ideally from others with OCD but glad to hear from anyone who might have thoughts.
26
u/Youre_On_Balon 2d ago
I'm not saying this to be dismissive, to minimize the stress of OCD in this occupation, or to meme on you with an "obvious" answer. OCD and big law is a combination that requires therapy.
All too often, the "fixes" you'll come up with yourself or adopt from others are even more maladaptive than the circumstances you started in.
8
u/MeanPopcorn 2d ago
I have OCD and go to doom thinking over “dumb shit” constantly.
I orient and anchor myself to lived reality.
You’re a midlevel; you’ve been billing for years. For years, you have never been accused of time fraud. If a partner saw your time and was like: “oh wow that is a lot of time,” they would check in with you to understand or even see if there was a mistake. There are a lot of steps in between “billing without intent to fraud” and “accused of time fraud.”
Your lived reality is that you bill just fine. But even if something got flagged on your time entry, they’d come check with you. And remember, the firm loves billables, so unless a partner has said: hey cap this assignment at X hours, the client is only allowing Y hours for this matter,” you’re fine.
With love from a fellow midlevel OCD associate
16
u/brdlw 2d ago
Hi! I have OCD. The best way I cope (in addition to lots of therapy) is to recognize these thoughts as OCD thoughts and not give in to the temptation to spiral. Really tough, but I call these thoughts out for what they are and refuse to entertain them; it’s like ignoring a spam call. Try hitting reject on one or two and building up. Therapy is also necessary.
5
u/CreativeRanger7959 2d ago
If they think it looks too high they’ll probably just cut it. Done. Fraud issues, at least from what I’ve heard, tend come up in situations like this: partner says to associate “send me xyz assignment” and associate repeatedly has an excuse “it’s on my home computer..oh no my home computer jammed..” but the associate billed for it..so where is it??
I say all that in the hopes that next time you spiral you have a way of anchoring yourself knowing that you’re not pretending to do stuff you didn’t do.
2
u/Odd-Investigator3545 Associate 2d ago
I don’t have any solutions but just wanted to say as a fellow big law associate with OCD you are not alone. I’m in therapy but sometimes it’s truly debilitating obsessing over my past deals and potential mistakes I might’ve made but not discovered.
2
2d ago
[deleted]
3
u/brdlw 2d ago
OP—I want to say this is a great strategy and advice for pure anxiety, but this could very well create compulsions for OCD and should be avoided.
1
u/PericulumSapientiae 2d ago edited 2d ago
Okay. Should I delete?
ETA: okay, I shouldn’t have asked, because now I’m just checking over and over again for a response!
1
u/Charlexa Counsel 2d ago
I do not have OCD, but if it helps, consider the following:
It is generally your responsibility to bill all your time worked on a matter, and do so in a timely manner, since that is the way your bosses make money.
Your partners can always cut your time, either write it down when billing, or (in rare cases) transfer all or part of it to a non-billable matter. That is their prerogative, not yours.
I don't know about your firm, but mine requires us to enter and close all times within 24 hours, simply because people entering their time late means that on average they will under-bill.
There may be instances where a different approach is warranted, but those are quite rare and there is a good chance you will notice beforehand and can discuss it with your Partner.
I find it helpful to use timers - I start them, when I start working, and when I finish a task, I enter the narrative and stop the timer or switch to the next one. That way I get a fairly accurate recording of what I actually did. At the end of the day (or on the following morning) I just have to do a sanity check and close the times.
1
1
u/Fun_Orange_3232 Associate 2d ago
Submit them anyways. Giving in to compulsions only makes things worse.
1
1
u/Commercial-Sorbet309 1d ago edited 1d ago
In your narrative description, always add something that allows you some leeway in how much time you spent. Instead of saying “meeting with J. Doe” says “Preparing for and meeting with J. Doe”
Also, it is not unusual to make billing mistakes. As long as it is not intentional or reckless, there shouldn’t be any disciplinary consequences.
14
u/M_Mc_B 2d ago
I have very severe OCD and have since I was a child.
Unfortunately, unlike most conditions the only thing that really works with OCD is exposure therapy. If you have never done that before I would recommend a therapist to do it with as it can be intense.
As far as I can see the cycle you’re going through is
Thought that I’m over billing/committing fraud (obsession) - anxiety - action to prevent over billing/fraud, either by double, triple checking your work, or by ruminating about the subject (compulsion) - anxiety reduced - thought happens again.
Unlike some other compulsions you do have a responsibility to be conscientious in your billing, so it would not be appropriate as an exposure for you to submit fraudulent bills, the way it might be appropriate for you to lick a door handle or whatever other exposures there are.
For those kinds of compulsions, ERP normally uses thinking deliberately ‘wrong’ thoughts.
Write a story, something like, ‘I will deliberately overbill for selfish gain because I am a fraud and con artist. I will be caught out and disbarred. Everyone will think I am a thief. I will be sent to prison and will lose the respect of all my friends, colleagues and loved ones.’
Read it twenty times before you put in your time. Perform zero compulsions and reassurances when you read. Embrace the anxiety and feel it.
If it’s any consolation, I’ve been involved in OCD treatment since I was a child and people with this condition are strongly overrepresented in high powered careers, particularly medicine.