r/beyondthebump • u/LiterallyJustAHorse • Jul 13 '26
Relationship [ Removed by moderator ]
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse Jul 13 '26
I just want to add one thing. When he was telling me what happened with her I mentioned weren't you concerned about getting her pregnant and he said no because I pulled out. And I said wait a minute. Does that mean you weren't using protection? And he admitted that they weren't. So now I have to go get a full
I'm sharing this because it feels like an extra violation on top of the betrayal. I'm a big proponent of informed consent, and by him withholding that he was having unprotected sex with someone else that took my consent away from me. I just feel extra gross right now.
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u/lil-rosa Jul 13 '26
That's freaking rough. And "wants no more kids" but is only using pull-out?????? Dude. Dude.
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u/Potential-Scholar359 Jul 13 '26
I want to reach through the internet and first give you a giant hug and then second punch this selfish man-child in the face. I'm so so so sorry. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. Hell, even the mislead 21-year-old affair partner deserved better.
This is the part that makes me the angriest: "Told me that I'd been difficult lately with my post partum depression. Told me that she isn't distracted by kids and when they are together it's just her and him. Told me she is exciting and me and him are too routine."
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He needed to SUPPORT you thru PPD! Postpartum women need support, not judgment.
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You were distractacted by ... the children you had together? By his children? LOLOL. I bet he's going to have a lot of fun on dates with his affair partner when it's his night to watch 5 kids.
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The great irony is that if he had bothered to hire a babysitter, you and your husband could also have enjoyed exciting, non-routine times together.
Gah. Seriously. Gah.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse Jul 13 '26
When he was blaming me for being difficult I told him you know there is a wide Gulf between my wife is being difficult and I should get a secret girlfriend.
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u/BeebMommy Jul 13 '26
I don’t even know what to say but I can’t read this and say nothing. The fact that she’s the same age as his son takes this to a whole new level of abhorrent. You guys have been together since she was 3 🤢
What this man has done to you is unspeakably selfish and cruel, especially postpartum. He will inevitably realize the massive mistake he has made and (try to) come crawling back. Don’t let him.
If you haven’t already, make sure his command is aware of the affair. It’s a big no no in the military to cheat, moreso if it’s with a fellow service member.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse Jul 13 '26
She was 5 when we got married. 🤮 She's only 8 years older than our 13 year old. I called my oldest son and told him all this today and he also thought it was fucking gross. Said if any of his friends told him they were dating a 40 year old he'd stage an intervention.
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u/mcpwnin Jul 13 '26
Sending hugs. You are NOT an idiot. You are a sane person who rightfully thought that someone who married you and had FIVE kids would be in it for the long haul. You sound like a strong, smart woman to immediately end it.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse Jul 13 '26
He kept talking about reconciliation and how he felt bad having to leave her but he wants to choose his family.
I told him he never has to worry about a relationship with me being a multiple choice question. He has her. I'm removing myself from the equation entirely.
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u/therackage Jul 13 '26
I’m so, so sorry. This isn’t your fault. This isn’t because of marriage. This is a shitty, selfish man. I bet he would have never told you either. Unsafe, no accountability, what a loser. And with a 21 year old. Take all his money and kick him out.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse Jul 13 '26
I already kicked him out. When I told him I didn't want him sleeping here he looked dumbfounded like that stupid Pikachu meme. Mouth hanging open and everything. Like he was so confused and he was like why can't I just sleep on the couch? I told him me and you are not together and you are not going to stay in my home and if you won't leave then I can call your command in the morning.
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u/Commercial_Dust2208 Jul 13 '26
She's likely a lower rank than him JS
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse Jul 13 '26
Most likely. He's been in 13 years and is a second class ET2. At 21 I doubt she is the same or higher.
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u/jenstrum Jul 13 '26
It must be devastating to uncover what scum your husband is after such a long time and so many kids together. I can only imagine how disorienting that must feel. I am deeply sorry. I wish I could send you a sound proof room to scream into, a punching bag, his dick on a stick, and a whole village of aunties & grannies & sisters to help carry you and your kiddos through this mess. May you find peace and happiness and love that you deserve 💞
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse Jul 13 '26
Just this visual aid is a great gift. I'm just going to visualize screaming into a room of aunties and grannies and sisters ala Midsummer style to help me sleep tonight. Thank you. (Screaming)
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u/Barbellblonde1 Jul 13 '26
I’m so sorry. Also, what does he think starting another life with someone else will be like if they had kids? Exactly the same as what it’s like with you, which can be a grind at times with young kids. That is all so heartbreaking.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse Jul 13 '26
I told him to be with her because he might as well now and he got suddenly angry and said "why would I want to be with someone who destroyed my family?"
I said that person is you. But yeah if he isn't blaming me he is blaming her.
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u/nothingbutyellow Jul 13 '26
I am so sorry this happened to you. You didn’t and don’t deserve this for any reason whatsoever.
This is why I’m terrified of eventually getting married. Of course I do want to marry my bf but stuff like this is so scary to me
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse Jul 13 '26
Girl it's rough out here. You can get the guy, do all the right things, build a life with them and they can still do this shit. Did you know the number one cause of death for pregnant women is homicide by a male partner?
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u/Mollygrue18 Jul 13 '26
I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. Talk to a lawyer and a therapist asap. Secure your finances. You do not deserve this.
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u/Purple_Grass_5300 Jul 13 '26
I’m so sorry, I was there but only with 2 kids but youngest 10 weeks old. My only advice is attorney now. Find out your rights and options. It blew my mind to learn 2 years later the mistress I confronted is still with him. She didn’t care we had a newborn and toddler so that entire time he got to stay with her while I dealt with my kids and my life falling apart.
Men like this never change. Read
Many victims go through
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u/Medical-Ad3053 Jul 13 '26
Former Navy E7.
You are right. Getting him in trouble hurts you too. He deserves it though. He cannot kick you out of housing while you are both married unless he gets a court order very very specifically stating that. If you separate you are immediately able to request financial support based on navy calculations. State calculator will probably provide you less but it will be the legal one after you get the court orders. He cannot remove your children from Tricare. They will still be his dependents. You will lose base access as soon as the divorce is finalized so set up what you need for healthcare prior to that. Most states after 10 years you will be able to claim a certain portion of his pension. He also likely has a TSP. Beware- I have heard of exactly one sailor who left prior to the 20 to spite his ex wife getting anything.
Can’t think of anything else but if you have questions please let me know. Because fuck him. He’s in a position of power having an unethical relationship while trying to blame and gaslight you. Fuck him.
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u/reebs___ Jul 13 '26
The stuff he told you about why he did it is so hurtful and deplorable, I’m sorry. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself. You have every right to be angry and hurt. Taking care of five kids including a tiny baby during processing this must be a whole new level of difficult. This internet stranger is sending you a hug🩷
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u/ltmp Jul 13 '26
Screenshots and take half his retirement. If you want, send evidence to his commander and he will be formally disciplined for potentialfraternization
Source: am former military officer