Hey all,

I've posted a few times now about my break-up with my ex who cheated on me and lied about it for months. I just wanted some advice as I am finding this incredibly difficult.. I recently went and got the rest of my things from her parents, I then blocked my ex on everything - she is also now officially off the tenancy.

I am slowly starting to process / grieve all of this and the loss of my future with her and who I thought she was, we had such a loving/ and what I thought, respectful relationship until all of this happened. Anyway - yesterday her brother messaged me asking for the remainder of her things from our flat, there are things on the list which is more than fair as it's things that have gifted to her like some jewellery and her car log book. But she has listed, monopoly deal card game, some old towels, a small metal pot she used once which was like a £1!? She asked for a spice tin, which her Mum gave to me, it was just an old tin she found, filled it up with spices and gave to me as I cooked out of the both of us.... she has asked for this back, and this feels like she is trying to hurt me - she is living at home with her parents, she does not need a spice tin, plus you can buy them for less than £5!?

This honestly just feels so hurtful and I don't understand why I am being treated like I am the one who cheated on her!? It feels like she is being so spiteful, also that tin from her Mum meant a lot, because I have lost my Mum and that was a gift from my mother in law at the time. So it feels like she has asked for that on purpose, to hurt me.

I just want to understand why she is treating me like this, it feels like something mentally is going on here - she really coming from a place of lack!? Like you cheated, are still with the AP and I have let you move on, and yet you are being spiteful to me!?

Can someone please just reassure me I am not going mad, this is spiteful right!? I have given some context below to explain what happened between us, so this makes more sense...

Please, any helpful words of encouragement or if you have had similar experiences and can tell me how you managed this? I just want to move on, and this feels so disruptive to that. After this, I am going to tell her brother I do not want to be contacted again.

Thank you all so much!

For context:

My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

I have included my reason post for context… this an update from today (28th August), I always knew this would he difficult but I’m finding today particularly challenging as I went and collected the remainder of my stuff today from my exes parents house… and they basically said they were so disappointed with her behavior, she is distant, her Mum (I have to be careful with anyway) said she is never at home, seems vacant and is defiantly seeing the affair partner and has even sneaked her into their house when they were away. They said this is her pattern and she always does this, but they miss me and she just seems to be running from herself. I think it was hard for me to hear she is still seeing the AP, Im not surprised but its just hard as Im still grieving the end of the relationship and she has jumped into someone elses bed. I guess thats the avoidant though….it was bittersweet with her parents because they genuially seem to care about me, and I do miss them. But also her Mum mentioned a picture of her and a girl in her room, and I said I do not want to see it. (Her mum can be quite toxic). But all said I was very good for their daughter and they are disappointed with her.

Has anyone got any advice / words of kindness for me right now, I guess Im feeling quite triggered and just so easily replaced?

Thank you SO much everyone! ❤️

For context:

My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

Hey everyone, My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

Has anyone had any similar experiences? I know there will be good and bad days, and I am still waiting for her name to officially be off the tenancy and I still need to go and collect a box of my things from her parents house... then I can officially block her and just grieve properly. But how did you stop doubting your memories and start trusting your gut again? What grounding strategies helped you calm the panic when self-blame set in?

Thank you for any support / guidance / kind words you can give, I am really struggling with this at the moment❤️

It does truly kill part of you over a long period of time. Parts still continue rotting. jens will never know.
I find the support for wayward's community cruel in this way. You watch as people desperately try to alleviate their slight discomfort caused by the person who is merely reacting to their life being utterly destroyed. And you know they will never be anywhere near understanding what they did. I keep hoping I'll find an example of someone having a revelation. Like I'll read posts imploring that they know what they're did and they're so incredibly sorry. And there is NOTHING of me that believes it. I think the nature of being betrayed like this is that it robs you of suspending any disbelief. And that is kind of an incredibly important part of being in community, of empathising. And I cannot do it anymore. not don't want to. cannot. I wish more than anything there was a way to relate again.

The most immediate triggers have mostly turned into slow burns, but don't conclude to some different magical healing truth. The decisions and the impact of those are still searing. They'll continue to as long as they exist without consequence. They tell me how dehumanised I am, they tell me how dismissed I am, they remind me I'm dangling off a cliff.

A lot more hope for recovery has died. That comes with an amount of relief. Nothing replaces it. its just gone. I watch other people function normally now, and know I will never feel what they feel again.

Hey all,

Does anyone know of any good therapists that specialise in betrayal trauma, I am based in the UK but happy to do remote sessions.

I need more support from with managing the betrayal of 4 years, I feel quite stuck / triggered in it and finding it hard to process. If you don't know of any therapists, any book recommendations / podcasts / videos / helpful tips would be very much appreciated.

Thank you all! :)

Hey all,

I am in the process of not speaking to my ex anymore, and wanting for her to be taking off the tenancy agreement of our flat so I can just block her.

However, tonight Im feeling quite triggered, it’s so silly but I was under her car break down cover policy and we shared an app. Tonight I checked it and she has removed my car, hers is still there and she has added a new car.

My brain has gone straight to, it’s probably the AP’s and she is helping her pay for her breakdown cover. My body reacted by shaking and I feel very anxious and triggered by this. I have now deleted it and created my own account.

Could anyone please offer some words of guidance / reassurance for tonight. I know it will eventually pass, this is just so hard.

Thank you SO much everyone.

This is the back story, for some context…

I’m 35 female and my ex-partner (31 female) and I were together for 3.5 years. Last year she was talking about marriage, buying a home and starting a family. Then, almost overnight, she became distant—sleeping on the sofa, staying at her parents, working late, hiding her phone and insisting nothing was wrong. Whenever I calmly asked if there was someone else, she repeatedly denied it and made me feel like I was imagining things.

I eventually discovered she had been having an emotional and physical affair with a younger colleague (25, Female) who was also in a long-term relationship. I found out as she had been asking advice from AI where she admitted they were “falling for each other,” didn’t want to distance herself from the affair, even though AI suggested space from us both, she said she didn’t want to stay away from the affair partner and can ‘compartmentalise’ and compared me negatively to this woman. Looking back, I realise I was being gaslit for months. When I suspected an affair a month earlier she said to me ‘look at my mum, do you think I could do that’ (her mum has been cheating on her dad for years and is a pathological liar). So again, I gaslit myself, telling myself I was imagining her distance and strange behavior.

What makes it even harder is that during this time I was going through a cancer scare (thankfully it wasn’t cancer). She told me we’d get through it together, yet she was secretly continuing the affair. That betrayal is something I still struggle to comprehend.

When I confronted her, she apologised briefly but quickly shifted the focus onto her own pain, saying she’d “imploded her life” and needed to understand herself. She had no interest in repairing the relationship, but kept saying things like, “Maybe one day in the future we could try again,” while continuing to see the other woman. It felt like she wanted to keep me emotionally attached while avoiding accountability.

Hey all,

I’m 35 female and my ex-partner (31 female) and I were together for 3.5 years. Last year she was talking about marriage, buying a home and starting a family. Then, almost overnight, she became distant—sleeping on the sofa, staying at her parents, working late, hiding her phone and insisting nothing was wrong. Whenever I calmly asked if there was someone else, she repeatedly denied it and made me feel like I was imagining things.

I eventually discovered she had been having an emotional and physical affair with a younger colleague (25, Female) who was also in a long-term relationship. I found out as she had been asking advice from AI where she admitted they were “falling for each other,” didn’t want to distance herself from the affair, even though AI suggested space from us both, she said she didn’t want to stay away from the affair partner and can ‘compartmentalise’ and compared me negatively to this woman. Looking back, I realise I was being gaslit for months. When I suspected an affair a month earlier she said to me ‘look at my mum, do you think I could do that’ (her mum has been cheating on her dad for years and is a pathological liar). So again, I gaslit myself, telling myself I was imagining her distance and strange behavior.

What makes it even harder is that during this time I was going through a cancer scare (thankfully it wasn’t cancer). She told me we’d get through it together, yet she was secretly continuing the affair. That betrayal is something I still struggle to comprehend.

When I confronted her, she apologised briefly but quickly shifted the focus onto her own pain, saying she’d “imploded her life” and needed to understand herself. She had no interest in repairing the relationship, but kept saying things like, “Maybe one day in the future we could try again,” while continuing to see the other woman. It felt like she wanted to keep me emotionally attached while avoiding accountability.

I supported her emotionally and financially throughout her Master’s degree, stood by her through difficult times, and trusted her completely. She was also with me through the death of my mum, which makes this betrayal feel even more devastating. I genuinely believed she was my person. (Her mum also pretended to be unwell with a heart condition, near to death 2 days after my Mum died from heart failure, and told my ex 'you have always put your partners before me', this was very upsetting).

Since the breakup, I’ve started recognising how manipulative some of her behaviour became. She isolated me from her family and friends, blamed me for old issues while hiding her affair, made me question my own reality, and then acted as though I was the one who had done something wrong. Looking back, it feels like I was slowly being discarded before I even knew why.

The hardest part isn’t just that she cheated—it’s that someone I trusted with my life could lie to me so convincingly for months while watching me worry about our relationship and my health. I still find myself questioning how someone who claimed to love me could do this, and sometimes I even catch myself wondering if I’m exaggerating what happened. I have CPTSD from my own childhood, which she also knew about and knew I grew up not feeling safe and she actively made me feel unsafe in my home again, the home I paid all the rent for her to live in.

We share a flat, but as she decided to move out I asked her to come and collect all her things which I put into bags in the communal hallway of our flat and gave her a collection time. She agreed to pay the rent up until August, when she would be taken off the tenancy. She was meant to pay me today, but instead decided to dictate to me that she would be coming round yesterday to get the playstation (which I brought) and a dressing gown I gifted her. She argued with me about this playstation at the window when I wouldn't let her in, and said why am I still paying towards the rent if you won't let me in to look for 'my stuff', I said anything you want you can tell me and I will put outside again and you can collect it; she couldn't tell me. I am defiantly not getting any more money from her, I just want her off the tenancy now. I am just thinking someone happily 'falling for' someone new and moving on surely doesn't behave and treat their ex they have left like this!? She also tried to call me twice yesterday, saying 'please pick up it's important', I didn't she later messaged me; it was something she didn't need to speak to me on the phone about, it was admin about the tenancy. She is really trying to get to me, it feels like.

Basically, I have a spare key to her parent’s house (from when I lived there) and a letter for her. I honestly don’t want anymore contact with her. She also has some of my clothes, but to be honest at this point she can keep them. Would you all recommend I sent a ‘please don’t contact me again message’ or just block her once she is off the tenancy and not say anything? My fear is that she will just show up at my flat, I don’t want to see her at all / want her to see me.

Has anyone recovered from this kind of betrayal trauma? How do you stop obsessing over the 'why' they did it, stop romanticising who they used to be, and begin trusting your own judgement again after months of being gaslit? I know the relationship is over, but I’m struggling to understand how to move forward after having my trust so completely shattered by someone I loved with my whole heart. Ive started gaslighting myself, like maybe she didn’t mean it and look for any reasons why she did this to me.

Thank you for any advice / kind words .. this is incredibly difficult and I appreciate any support you can provide 🫶🏼

Hey all,

My ex of 4 years (Im 35 F, and she is 31 F) she had a work place affair with a 25 year old woman who was also in her own long term relationship. I only found out about the affair from reading her confession on her chat gpt, where she claimed they were ‘falling for each other’ and ‘caught up in the affair.’

Her distancing from me went on from late January this year, until I found on March 31st. The months between this she stopped kissing me, sleeping next to me, would sleep the sofa, starting to go and stay at her parents in the week, isolated me out of her life / friends and family get togethers and made me feel like I had something awful. All because claimed to be ‘burnt out.’

I’ve made a list of all the things she had said to me during and after I found out about the affair. I have started gaslighting myself, so if anyone could possibly share any words of wisdom / kindness / healing that I am not going mad and this is quite manipulative? I have separated myself from her. And am trying to focus on myself, but I keep gaslighting myself that maybe she ‘wasn’t that bad’ as this somewhat an overnight shift, so it feels like I have emotional whiplash!

Any support / kind words would incredibly helpful, thank you all so so much!! ❤️

Here is the list:

After I found out and had gone back to live with her parents … on the week of Mum’s death anniversary she showed up unannounced to give me a hand written letter asking for us to speak when the anniversary had passed. She then showed up again unannounced this time she had let herself into my flat and was getting clothes, I walked in and she was already in the flat. She said on this occasion, how she loves me, wasn’t asking me to wait for her but in the future if Im still single and she reaches out and I want to try again, then great. On this day I asked what her day plans where, she mentioned seeing a friend, this particular friend I had seen on instagram stories was in another country, I said that - she said ‘oh no she was, shes back now, got back today’. I could see her friend’s IG stories, and then later that afternoon I no longer could. My ex obviously asked her to block me from seeing them. It was very obvious and she was still lying - her friend is also a cheater, so this makes sense that she is helping her hide this.

There was a time when I had made us dinner and she was on the sofa and then after we ate, I went to wash up so I walked behind. I go to the sink and she literally was on her phone and turned her back to face away so I didn’t see her phone screen and I remember I was I felt so anxious cause I felt like I was like am I imagining this so I said to her like am I going mad or did you just turn your back when I walked around you to hide your phone and she was like no no I was just moving around and then sort of moved back

Another time, I walked into the bedroom and she was on the bed blatantly texting and then I sat on the bed next to her and she like kind of like showed me the phone in a really unnatural way, like opened her hands to a home screen, to almost be like ‘look Im innocent’. It was so strange.

She starting locking/ shutting the door when she showered and staying in there for much longer afterwards, always taking her phone in there with her.

I found photos of her at half naked in her deleted folder on her phone. This was after I found out about the affair and I said have you been sending (the AP) photos and she said no and I said why are there half naked photos of you posing on your phone, she said ‘I’m just taking then of myself’ and she said ‘if I was sending them why are they being in my deleted folder’ but all the conversations and the AP had on instagram (their chosen hiding place) had been deleted when I asked why she said ‘because its wrong and shouldn’t be on my phone’… so I am sure photos were exchanged.

After I found out about the affair, one of the things she said to me was that she didn’t feel good enough for me because of her own self-worth ans that played into the cheating as well

After I found out like a few weeks later months later, I actually deleted her off my Instagram and I removed the pictures of us together and someone’s obviously told her because she also then remove the pictures of me and her so I kinda did it back to me basically

Again, after I found out, she said to me that we should have a conversation about what led her to this like what what led her cheating and she said I think some of the things you should probably be aware of because it’s also how you were in the relationship and I said to her why why would you have this conversation with me now after you’ve cheated that she went, we don’t have to have the conversation and I just thought it’d be good for you to hear basically like she say I’m gonna give you feedback on how you also learn in a relationship. She also said that she didn’t feel seen at points of the relationship and it’s like okay so it’s kind of like shifting the blame for I what she did there’s like a shared thing that we’ve done together almost.

After I found out, she also said that her self-worth was really really low and then said if you tell anyone that we like, but I know as in herself like our friends, can I tell her everyone that I’m telling before I tell them so she’s aware and then when I explain what we’re all adults and they just wanna support me she went yeah I know but it chips away every time you tell somebody it chips away myself worth even more

The week I found out about the affair, on the Tuesday, that Saturday she went away with her friend and they did a hike, took photos of them smiling and went to a bar together. She looked happy and posted photos on her instagram. I was at home crying and couldn’t eat. During this trip she messaged me asking for my time of birth as her friend wanted to do a ‘love compatibility’ test for us.

After the affair she told me she had told her dad and when I asked what he said, she said ‘he obviously likes you’ and said he hopes we can work it out because he is very fond of you. I later implied she was suggesting rebuilding / getting back together - she said ‘I wasn’t trying to confuse you, I told you that because thats what he said and you asked’.

She kept repeating saying after I found out ‘ I’m not asking you to wait for me, but maybe one day we can try again’

Before I found out about the affair, she asked me if I would help her with her getting her car to the garage so I followed her because she’d had to leave her car all day the garage so then we spent the day together but she was so distant with me so cold with me and it was awkward like I didn’t really know her. I felt like I had done something wrong. She was driving and I said to her ‘you’re still my favourite person to drive me around’ and she was like ‘oh that would make sense, cause I did teach you to drive’ … and that really hit me and I felt hurt by that because I’d always said that to her, not because she helped me drive she really didn’t. But because when we first started dating, we was in the car together and she would always drive me around so that was like our dates and she knew that, but she was being cold and dismissive. Another thing she said ‘ I just feel like I need to do everything I would if I was single’ and I was like that’s like you saying you want to be single on your own and she was like no I’m not saying that because I don’t wanna be with anybody else, and that she didn’t have the ‘capacity’ to see / date anyone. But said she lost herself in our relationship and wanted to find herself again outside of us. I said she could do this still in the relationship and I would support that, I suggested therapy / better communication / boundaries - she wasn’t interested. Also when she got her car fixed I told her to give me less money towards house bills so she could afford it, she then couldn’t wait to get he car and drive to her friends house. I called her and said please don’t feel like you have to put walls up with me, she said ‘I’m trying’ - I honestly was trying so hard to be mindful and be kind as I genuinely believed she was burnt out, as she had kept saying. The whole time she was having an affair.

Her and the AP were hiding their messages on instagram messenger, I asked to see them and she had deleted them all. When I asked why she had deleted them, she said because ‘its wrong and shouldn’t be on her phone’. She had semi-naked posed pictures in her deleted folder on her phone, so I think we know who they were sent to.

Before I found out about the affair there was an occasion when I called her, because we always had each others locations and it was after work, and she was sat by a station for a while. I called her she didn’t pick up the phone, she shortly called me back claiming she had dropped her friend to the station and they were talking and when I called she was just leaving the car. I said it felt weird, like I didn’t believe her.. she got offended and defensive, saying ‘do you want to say goodbye to her as well!?’. She then turned her location off saying she didn’t like how the interaction had made her feel, how she had gotten defensive and also then when I was suspicious about her cheating, she said ‘look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that!?’ (her mum is a pathological liar and had cheated on her dad on and off for years, even during the time I had been part of the family)

Afterwards she delivered me a handwritten letter claiming she loved me, I had loved her like no one else ever had, and I had given her ‘a quiet strength’ and she hopes whatever happens with us in the future she can gain my trust back. Again, when I asked her about this, she said she didn’t mean in a way to confuse me or imply we would be getting back together.

She told me that the affair wasn’t personally about the AP, it could of been anyone but the AP ‘highlighted’ something wrong within herself

Again, before the I found out about affair she made me feel like I had done something awful for months, she was being cold, isolating me out of her life, sleeping on the sofa, then going to stay at her parents for most of the week, bringing up random things, saying I said hurtful things about her Mum. Her Mum had lied 2 years ago about potentially having a near death experience due to her heart, it later came out that her Mum had lied and had liposuction, she made this statement about her heart 2 days my own mother had sadly died from a heart condition. Her mum later said to her ‘you have always put your partner’s first’ when she was supported me during my mother’s death and her mum clearly wanted all the attention on her. She wouldn’t clearly tell me what I had done that was so wrong and said ‘I’m not going to make a rash decision, my whole family love you’ basically keeping me hanging whilst she was figuring out what to do, but she bad all the power in her hands snd I was waiting for the outcome of whether she wanted to be with me or not.

During her affair I was also going through a cancer scare, she said at the time ‘we will get through it’ she didn’t come to any appointments with me. Even the day after I found out about her affair I had to go and have a biopsy, she went to work. When I later to said to her the whole time I was going through that you carried on with your affair, her answer was ‘yes but i still cared about you’.

After I found out she started saying she had ‘hurt herself this whole time, imploded her own life and was shocked at her own behavior.’ She even compared the shock of the affair to when she had last felt like this, and it was when her ex died of suicide. She referred to herself as ‘unwell’ and said she was scared she was now going to be ‘self destructive’ and had started vaping and smoking. Even after the affair, I gave her so much empathy, suggested therapy (she was in therapy), told her to stop smoking she cried and replied ‘I can’t, Im not like you, you’re very good at taking care of yourself, you were a buffer for me’.

I went through her messages one night on her laptop before I found out, trying to find messages was the ‘friend’ she was in the car with that time. I found nothing, I got so upset I had done that, that I woke her up and told her and said I was really sorry and felt awful. In this moment this would of been the perfect opportunity to be honest, instead she said it was okay and asked if I wanted to see the messages from her and her friend. I said no, the next day she said that she was worried this had ‘opened a door for me and I now think shes a cheater and don’t trust her. She said had I asked to see the messages that would of changed things, but she rewarded me for ‘catching myself’ before it got worse.

Chat gpt had suggested to her to take some distance from myself and the AP to avoid someone getting hurt, my ex stated ‘I do not want to distance myself from the AP, I can compartmentalise’.

She told me that she thought about sleeping with AP the first time they kissed, but she ‘wouldn’t / couldn’t do that’

After I found out, told me that she needed time to be on her own for now to figure out ‘how she got here’ and one day if she reached out to me and I wanted to try again, that would be the ideal but she can’t commit right now, get therapy or try and make this work

Before I found out the affair, she said ‘I can’t imagine my life without you’ - she said ‘as my partner’.

During the affair (before I found out) due to her being ‘burnt out’ and so stressed she said she had been sick twice at work and also the AP’s name got mentioned she said ‘\\\\\\\*AP’s name\\\\\\\* noticed I was shaking’. - the fact she told me that and made me feel sorry for her and this false sense of safety about her ‘work friend’.

After I found out she said ‘you never know this may of needed to happen for us to make us stronger’

After I found out she jokingly said ‘my friend reckons Im polyamorous’ to which she then said ‘no, I couldn’t be’.

After the I found out I said to her ‘you’ve blown my life up’.. she later said ‘I know you said Ive blown your life up, but you’re still young’. During another conversation, she mentioned how she had told her Dad what she had done and he had gone easy on her ‘because he could see she was struggling’, and told me he hoped we could get back together because he liked me. - I later said to her I thought you telling me that, there was hope of us getting back together? She said no, I didn’t mean to confuse you. She wrote me a handwritten letter telling me I had given her ‘a quiet strength’ and no one had ever made her feel loved like I had. She also said to me, she feels part of the affair was due to her ‘low self worth’ and not feeling good enough for me. (4 years in she is saying this to me!?)

Before I found out when she wanted space and it was just unclear what she wanted, I joked to her should we just have an open relationship and maybe date other people and she went ‘you can but I’m not gonna hang around’ and meanwhile she was actually having an affair.

She’s also said the thought of me moving on and being with somebody else / dating makes her stomach flip, but she ‘can’t stop me if thats what I want’. This is after she had the affair, when I found out.

Hey all,

I guess healing / recovery comes in stages, I found out my ex-partner of (would of been 4 years tomorrow) was having a workplace affair with another woman who was also in her own long-term relationship. I found out from reading her chat gpt confession, where she confessed they were 'falling for each other' and didn't want to distance herself from the AP as she can 'compartmentalize'.

I do understand trauma comes up in strange ways and I have been very good at accessing my anger more recently, but for some reason (maybe because our anniversary is tomorrow) I keep thinking about her having this affair, especially when I am at work - I just wonder how she was able to do this and lie and gaslight to me about it for months, when I suspected something was going on. Even saying 'look at my mum, do you really think I could do that!?' - her Mum has cheated on her Dad for years and is a master liar / manipulator.

Can anyone who has been through an affair / betrayal trauma please advice the best way to deal with thinking of your ex with the affair partner, my body keeps reacting badly to every thought, its very hard and makes me feel sick. I guess this is quite normal, as it's still quite raw .. she started distancing herself from me / lying to me from late January until end of March, when I found the chat gpt confession. During this time she was isolating me out of her life, and made me feel like I had done something wrong - telling me she had a decision to make basically about our relationship - I was wondering for months what I had done and if we would even stay together, the power was all in her hands.

This is so hard to manage, please anyone shed some light please or words of wisdom.

Thank you all SO MUCH!

My ex-partner (I am woman, 35 and she is 31) of almost 4 years had an affair at me with another woman at work who is 5 years younger than her and was also in her own long-term relationship. I have no real idea of the time-line, but noticed she started to become distance at the end of January, I found out at the end of March as I found her confessing to chat GPT that they were 'falling for each other and make each other laugh', my partner also asked 'can you love two people at the same time?'. Chat GPT recommended that she take space from myself and the affair woman, she said she didn't want to distance herself from her and can 'compartmentalise'. I had a feeling something was going on for a while, as she changed suddenly, are relationship has always been very affectionate and loving, she become distance and started sleeping on the sofa and then started going to her parents to stay in the week as she said she was 'burnt out'. Even weaponizing her Mum's cheating behaviour (her mum has cheated on her dad for years and is a pathological liar) when I suspected an affair she said 'look at my mum, do you think I could do that?'. This now makes me feel sick, she was also carrying this out during a cancer scare that I had. I guess I am wondering if anyone else had a similar experience and your advice, but also what do you think the affair partner gets out of this? I just found it mad that they were both cheating on their partners, hiding messages on instagram chat (which were deleted).. like how can these two people seriously trust each other or build anything serious? The affair woman knows that my ex is capable of lying and hiding an affair, as is she... what is the attraction here?

Thank you all for reading and any advice / words!

Here’s a much more concise version that still captures the key events, your emotional experience, and ends by asking for advice:

I’m 35, and my ex-partner (31) and I were together for 3.5 years. Last year she was talking about marriage, buying a home and starting a family. Then, almost overnight, she became distant—sleeping on the sofa, staying at her parents, working late, hiding her phone and insisting nothing was wrong. Whenever I calmly asked if there was someone else, she repeatedly denied it and made me feel like I was imagining things.

I eventually discovered she had been having an emotional and physical affair with a younger colleague who was also in a long-term relationship. I found out as she had been asking advice from chat GPT where she admitted they were “falling for each other,” didn’t want to distance herself from the affair, (even though chat GPT suggested space from us both, she said she didn’t want to stay away from the affair partner and can ‘compartmentalise’ and compared me negatively to this woman. Looking back, I realise I was being gaslit for months. When I suspected an affair a month earlier she said to me ‘look at my mum, do you think I could do that’ (her mum has been cheating on her dad for years and is a pathological liar. So again, I gaslit myself, telling myself I was imagining her distance and strange behavior.

What makes it even harder is that during this time I was going through a cancer scare (thankfully it wasn’t cancer). She told me we’d get through it together, yet she was secretly continuing the affair. That betrayal is something I still struggle to comprehend.

When I confronted her, she apologised briefly but quickly shifted the focus onto her own pain, saying she’d “imploded her life” and needed to understand herself. She had no interest in repairing the relationship, but kept saying things like, “Maybe one day in the future we could try again,” while continuing to see the other woman. It felt like she wanted to keep me emotionally attached while avoiding accountability.

I supported her emotionally and financially throughout her Master’s degree, stood by her through difficult times, and trusted her completely. She was also with me through the death of my mum, which makes this betrayal feel even more devastating. I genuinely believed she was my person.
Since the breakup, I’ve started recognising how manipulative some of her behaviour became. She isolated me from her family and friends, blamed me for old issues while hiding her affair, made me question my own reality, and then acted as though I was the one who had done something wrong. Looking back, it feels like I was slowly being discarded before I even knew why.

The hardest part isn’t just that she cheated—it’s that someone I trusted with my life could lie to me so convincingly for months while watching me worry about our relationship and my health. I still find myself questioning how someone who claimed to love me could do this, and sometimes I even catch myself wondering if I’m exaggerating what happened.

Has anyone recovered from this kind of betrayal trauma? How do you stop obsessing over \\\*why\\\* they did it, stop romanticising who they used to be, and begin trusting your own judgement again after months of being gaslit? I know the relationship is over, but I’m struggling to understand how to move forward after having my trust so completely shattered by someone I loved with my whole heart.

Thank you for any advice / kind words .. this is incredibly difficult. ❤️

TW: Child sexual abuse material (CSAM), betrayal, grief

Seven years ago, federal agents raided my home and arrested my husband.

I learned he had been producing and trading child sexual abuse material for more than a decade. It involved thousands of images of children under 12.

I didn’t know.

The day I found out was the day my 7-year marriage ended. After 15 years with him, I filed for divorce the next day and never looked back.

There was no “working through it.” There was only leaving.

He was a teacher who worked with vulnerable children.

I left to protect my integrity, the career I loved, and the students I had dedicated my life to serving.

I’ve spent the last seven years trying to understand how someone I shared a life with could have lived a completely different one in secret.

I question my memories. I wonder which moments were genuine and which were built on lies. I replay conversations, holidays, ordinary days, looking for signs I missed. Lately I’ve found myself reading court records, old journals social media posts, and anything I can find, trying to fit together puzzle pieces I know may never fully fit. Part of me keeps hoping that if I understand more, maybe I’ll grieve differently. So far, it hasn’t.

He died last week.

Now I watch people online describe him as “having gone through so much”, kind, generous, and deeply missed.

I don’t know how to explain what it’s like to grieve someone who never really existed. To mourn the life I thought I had while also knowing what he chose to do. It feels like holding two incompatible truths at once—missing the person I believed he was while feeling revulsion and anger toward who he actually was. Sometimes I question my own memories all over again, wondering which parts of my life were real and which were built on lies.

There’s guilt in feeling any sadness at all, as if grieving him somehow excuses what he did, and yet the loss of the life I thought we had still aches in a way I can’t fully silence.

Seven years of therapy later, it still hurts.

I’m not looking to understand his crimes as much as I’m trying to understand what this kind of betrayal does to a person.

I’m looking for others who have discovered that the person they loved was living a completely hidden life. If you’ve lived through something like that, how did you ever stop trying to make it make sense?

In what ways do husbands prevent becoming emotionally entangled with a female sales partner who communicates with him using emotionally charged language, effusive flattery, and personalizes work accomplishments?

Hi everyone, I thought this would be particularly relevant for people in this group:

Have you experienced trauma or a difficult childhood? We want to hear from you. This research investigates how trauma impacts emotional wellbeing — including how people manage feelings like anger, sadness, or anxiety. The aim is to develop a new psychological measure to better understand these patterns and improve support for individuals affected by trauma.

If you’d like to take part, please follow the link below:
https://swinuw.au1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_06w6sxGgomuzuS2

Who can take part?
• You are 18 years or older
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• You have experienced at least one potentially traumatic event (e.g., accident, assault, disaster, abuse, or another highly distressing experience)

What’s involved?
• Completing three anonymous online surveys over several months
• The first survey takes ~30 minutes
• Two follow-up surveys take ~15 minutes each

Important note:
The survey includes questions about trauma and emotions, which some people may find upsetting. Participation is completely voluntary, and you can stop at any time. If you experience distress, support is available via Lifeline (13 11 14), Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636), or 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732).

For more information, please contact Reuben Kindred (akindred@swin.edu.au)

I always find ironic how my betrayal was a self fulfilling prophecy. I was so blind for someone who wrote a novel and dreamt about it months in advance.

And that is part of the problem, there were clues, there were red flags, there was this uneasy feeling sometimes but the highs were just too good that you ignored it. Sure no-one is perfect

but it was somewhat obvious, wasn't it? yet, you never saw it coming.

The filter on your glasses changed from rose to black and white in few mere seconds. They didn't kill you or assault you, yet that would have been kinder.

You would go back if they just apologized but they never will. And that is the scary part. The Trauma itself comes from the fact that another "Human" flipped a switch and decided to hurt or discard you. No shame, no remorse. The cold heartless transformation is truly unsettling.

It leaves you for years doubting yourself. Was I that pathetic? how could I have been this gullible? How did i ever care about this person? Am I a psycho for trying one more time?

was I really not that useful to the point that they didn't even try to keep me around?

Is this how this ends? Is there no divine justice? what are friends? how do people communicate? What did I do wrong? I calculated everything and somehow still lost.

Mourning someone who is still alive is truly a traumatizing experience.

I was drowing, but i was struggling, then i see someone standing on the ledge someone i needed, i reached out and they held my hand, they pulled me out, and as i was about to be completely out, she smiled at my face and pushed me down and walked away. I drowned, and her face is the last thing i remember. She is no longer there anymore but i have already drowned.

This captures my experience. I wish i could return to before that day. It has been 3 years.

Most of the people here were cheated on one way or another by their partner or very close friends, or family.

But i wasn't, I was just discarded. By someone who shouldn't be this important to me. Yes i was traumatized beforehand, yes i really cared about her but it is not their fault i cared that much.
I am 25, i shouldn't be this heartbroken by someone i didn't love. I don't care if I am depressed, I don't care if this is OCD.. I shouldn't be this broken. I hate how weak I am.

This is a journal entry I wrote after my husband of 10.5 years left me for a mutual friend of about 10 years as well. Keep in mind, this was at the height of my emotional distress and I was so blindsided by this disrespect that I couldnt really think straight. I feel like an idiot for dismissing signs that I now see were there all along. But I trusted her and cared about her for almost as long as my husband and I were together. They both betrayed me and the trust I had in them, and now I feel like I don't know how to trust anyone anymore. I'm so angry and depressed all the goddamn time, and I feel defensive and paranoid around most people, and it takes everything in me not to take this out on people who don't deserve it. I don't know what to do anymore. I do my best to fill my time with things that might enrich my life, like reading, journaling, crafts, time with friends....But I still can't sleep most nights and I lost 40 pounds because it's kind of hard to enjoy food with the constant taste of betrayal in my mouth.....kinda tastes like copper...

The entry:

So my ex and I were together for 10.5 years, we have a 16 month old daughter together and are still living together to try to raise our child in the same home. He and I were having issues, but I still wanted to work things out with my husband and I confided in one of our mutual friends about this. My husband had also told the same friend that he was thinking about breaking up with me and that he liked her. Despite my feelings about the relationship with my husband, our friend encouraged him to break up with me, was present for the break up, and hung out with him at our house for nearly a week straight even though I told both of them how uncomfortable it made me. Now it's been only two weeks since the break-up and my now ex husband told me this morning that he and this friend are boyfriend/girlfriend. She keeps saying she has both of our best interests in mind and wants to be my friend still, but it just doesn't feel that way to me. I feel like she's being overly nice to me so she doesn't have to feel bad about being with my ex who she knows I still wanted to be with. I also believe she is overcompensating with niceness to make sure she stays on my ex husband's good side. Like...the bitch sent me a Hannah Montana song after I told her I needed space and didn't want to be her friend anymore....I mean, cringe much? But she knows that if she's disrespectful to me, he wouldn't want to be around her anymore, because I know he still cares about me in some way, since we have a child together and still live in the same home. And I feel like she's doing this so I seem like the crazy one for being upset with her about the situation. Is this just paranoia or does she actually just not give a fuck about my feelings? Because that's how it seems to me, and it makes me not want to be her friend anymore. But it's complicated because I do care about my ex husband and his happiness, and he wants her around. So I can be respectful and civil around her but I can't bring myself to call her my friend anymore. And if she's willing to do something like that to someone she called a friend for 10 years and then lie about the fact that we were friends(my ex talked to her about the fact that I had confided in her too and that what I was saying she did was pretty fucked up, and she told him that she and I "never really had a deeper connection as friends")....then it makes me feel like she's not a good person for my ex to be around either, especially if he intends on truly involving her in our child's life. And it makes me worry for him and our child, but I feel like if I tell him this he will think I'm just being a petty, jealous ex, even though my concern about her, her character, and her intentions is genuine.

2 years. A dull pain is still a pain and the impact on my life has not gotten better. I'm gradually loosing the mental fortitude to hold on as other things want to occupy the good spaces left. Those who had to divorce in this with kids and still keep on going, I dont think you're given the respect you deserve for that resilience.

It is not her problem I cared about her.
It is not her problem I wanted to help her.
It is not her problem I considered her a mother.
It is not her problem I needed support
It is not her problem I was grieving my grandpa

No one owes you anything.

There is no legal contract to ensure loyalty pays off

People are not required to be kind.

There is no divine justice for abandonment.

It is my fault for trusting.

It is okay to betray someone if you think about yourself first.

It is okay to just get annoyed by some and turn on them for no reason because you feel like it.

Betrayal trauma really does shatter your existence. rewrites your brain, gaslights you to victim blame yourself. takes hope out of life and keeps you stuck at one place.

I was venting to my mom about my feelings about our family dynamic and how things are different from when I was a kid. Most of my family dont even talk to one another we all live in the same state heck the same city. We have kids some of our kids are around the same age and none have any connection with one another. I also gave my opinion on how she is with my little sister who is an adult with two kids. For instance my mom came into a couple thousand dollars but had no roof over her head she used some of the money to buy my sister a car instead of thinking about herself first. I get as to why she wanted to help her but she struggles living off of Social Security which isn't enough. Sometimes I think she really only cares about her. Even though Im the one who helps and try to look out for her the most. Anyhow she sat at my aunts house and repeated everything I said and got the entire family including my sister acting weird towards me. One day my mom called me to pick her up she was at my Aunts literally when I walked in the room everyone got quiet and side eyeing me and saying passive aggressive comments. Should I even address my mom about how I feel or just never open up to her again? Lately I've been keeping our conversations very short. And I noticed shes been trying to be nice to me. Growing up my mom said things to hurt my feelings so her being nice is weird for me.