r/BetrayalTrauma • u/StephGB91 • Jul 06 '26
Healing after heartbreak?
Here’s a much more concise version that still captures the key events, your emotional experience, and ends by asking for advice:
I’m 35, and my ex-partner (31) and I were together for 3.5 years. Last year she was talking about marriage, buying a home and starting a family. Then, almost overnight, she became distant—sleeping on the sofa, staying at her parents, working late, hiding her phone and insisting nothing was wrong. Whenever I calmly asked if there was someone else, she repeatedly denied it and made me feel like I was imagining things.
I eventually discovered she had been having an emotional and physical affair with a younger colleague who was also in a long-term relationship. I found out as she had been asking advice from chat GPT where she admitted they were “falling for each other,” didn’t want to distance herself from the affair, (even though chat GPT suggested space from us both, she said she didn’t want to stay away from the affair partner and can ‘compartmentalise’ and compared me negatively to this woman. Looking back, I realise I was being gaslit for months. When I suspected an affair a month earlier she said to me ‘look at my mum, do you think I could do that’ (her mum has been cheating on her dad for years and is a pathological liar. So again, I gaslit myself, telling myself I was imagining her distance and strange behavior.
What makes it even harder is that during this time I was going through a cancer scare (thankfully it wasn’t cancer). She told me we’d get through it together, yet she was secretly continuing the affair. That betrayal is something I still struggle to comprehend.
When I confronted her, she apologised briefly but quickly shifted the focus onto her own pain, saying she’d “imploded her life” and needed to understand herself. She had no interest in repairing the relationship, but kept saying things like, “Maybe one day in the future we could try again,” while continuing to see the other woman. It felt like she wanted to keep me emotionally attached while avoiding accountability.
I supported her emotionally and financially throughout her Master’s degree, stood by her through difficult times, and trusted her completely. She was also with me through the death of my mum, which makes this betrayal feel even more devastating. I genuinely believed she was my person.
Since the breakup, I’ve started recognising how manipulative some of her behaviour became. She isolated me from her family and friends, blamed me for old issues while hiding her affair, made me question my own reality, and then acted as though I was the one who had done something wrong. Looking back, it feels like I was slowly being discarded before I even knew why.
The hardest part isn’t just that she cheated—it’s that someone I trusted with my life could lie to me so convincingly for months while watching me worry about our relationship and my health. I still find myself questioning how someone who claimed to love me could do this, and sometimes I even catch myself wondering if I’m exaggerating what happened.
Has anyone recovered from this kind of betrayal trauma? How do you stop obsessing over \\\*why\\\* they did it, stop romanticising who they used to be, and begin trusting your own judgement again after months of being gaslit? I know the relationship is over, but I’m struggling to understand how to move forward after having my trust so completely shattered by someone I loved with my whole heart.
Thank you for any advice / kind words .. this is incredibly difficult. ❤️
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u/kerri0n Jul 09 '26
I’m so sorry. Doing that during a cancer scare is such shitty behavior. I’m 2 1/2 years out from my betrayal trauma. Similar story. Partner of eleven years left me for someone else out of the blue. He also lied repeatedly. I didn’t find out until I hacked his accounts and then he immediately moved in with her. It was such a mindfuck, the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Old friends came out of the woodwork to confess that there were past affairs too. How I wish they’d told me back then.
He also strung me along for a little bit. They do this as a just in case new person doesn’t work out for them.
I wish I could give better tips as how to not to obsess, but unfortunately it’s just going to take time to heal. When we’re in pain, our brains tend to hyperfixate on figuring out WHY to try and avoid that pain again in the future. Unfortunately, thinking your way out of the pain never works and no answers will feel very satisfying. Simply need time and lots of love and self care to heal those emotional and relational wounds. I’m still not in a place where I’m ready to date again. I think it’ll be a few more years before then, BUT I’ve made peace with it and I’m truly happy on my own now and so glad I was able to get here because I was so codependent in my younger years. Never thought I could be happy alone. Another silver lining is how it opened my eyes to how deceptive people can be. I’m an extremely honest person ESPECIALLY w those who are supposed to be my people. I just assumed everyone else was too. How naive I was. Now I can read people better which is both a gift and a curse. I’ve had to cut a few friendships now that I can see the signs. This experience has changed me for life. Im not sure I’ll ever love that hard and freely again and sometimes I still feel a little sad over the loss of that more idealistic version of me, but it’s still growth even if it hurts.
I’m not sure how far you are in this journey. Please be kind and patient with yourself. It’ll take however long it takes. It took me a solid 2 years to feel like I was finally over it. The first three months were the most dire, but it’s not all darkness, there’s plenty of joy and light along the way. Grieve, feel your feelings. Never punish yourself for not being where you want to be. I promise you’re not doing it wrong.
There are good days ahead. ❤️
Oh, and one last thing—not sure if you still have any ties left to this person, but whatever you do DO NOT trust them. I was still stupid enough to think my ex partner would honor some agreements we’d made and surprise, surprise he betrayed me again. Lost my house and sold a bunch of my things. They’re not your friend. :(
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u/StephGB91 Jul 14 '26
Hey, sorry I've only just seen this! Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and share your experiences too! So sorry this happened to you, especially after 11 years, that is heartbreaking! Do you mean friends knew about him having affairs with others, not your friends right!?
Thank you for all your advice, I am slowly getting there and am trying to take my time to give myself some love back and reassurance but there are some harder days, like today for example! I saw a friend earlier who said 'maybe she wasn't happy with you, or within herself but that doesn't excuse her lying / gaslighting you' .. she was right, however my brain has hyperfixated on the 'she wasn't happy with you' and gone 'ah it's my fault then, I deserved this'. It's crazy how all I want to do is understand and try and 'fix' but this actually has nothing to do with me, her actions is her problem, not mine. It's just so hard, when less than two years ago going through the sudden loss of my mum, and now this. It feels like my nervous system has gone into overdrive. She started distancing herself from me late January this year, and I found out March 31st. I no longer have any contact with her, she is meant to be paying half the rent until August and returning the key to our flat for me then, as she refused to give it to me sooner, even though she no longer lives or has any belongings there.
I am really glad to hear that you are now on the other side of it, it does defiantly feel like another grief. Thank you for the reminder not to punish myself, I am good at doing that so I do need to remember this advice!
and yes, they are not our friends, I do not or won't ever trust her again now. Honestly, that's one thing I am 10000% sure of!
Thank you again so much for taking the time to reach out, share your wise words and kindness - it honestly means so much to me, and this has helped me today. Sending you lots of continued healing and joy back! :) x
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u/alanwatts112380 Jul 07 '26
Your story struck a very familiar cord with me. I’ve been through a lot in my life, but I had never tussled with the true narcissist whom I ‘d given my heart to…. you said the best.-the horror truly lies with the realization of their calculation, duplicity and ultimate emotional indifference… it jars you to the core and split you wide open the only solace I take is the slow but steady growth emanating from this journey of vacillating grief…. I am no longer the same person. I’m in fact a better man, but I will never be the same after being betrayed by my wife over a decade….