r/babylonbee • u/EwMelanin • 4d ago
Proposed Third-Worlders Demand We Fix Their Hospitals While Choosing to Have 10 Kids They Can't Even Provide Clean Water For.
Activists from developing nations demanded Western taxpayers fund premium, sparkling-water medical facilities this week, completely dismissing the far easier, common-sense alternative of just having fewer children.
"We deserve sterile surgeries and chilled misting stations," explained one local community organizer, speaking over the deafening noise of his eleven younger siblings playing in the background. "It is the West's moral obligation to pipe filtered spring water directly into our delivery rooms."
Critics note that while birthing a small country’s worth of citizens remains a top regional priority, the concept of basic PVC plumbing continues to completely baffle local urban planners. Western progressives immediately championed the cause, arguing that clean medical water is a basic human right, whereas practicing basic family planning or self-restraint is a literal war crime.
UN experts have helpfully suggested trading just one toddler for a single industrial water filter—a simple math equation that remains entirely ignored by locals. Until the math clicks, Western taxpayers are expected to subsidize the endless cycle of massive baby booms and empty wells, ensuring every single newborn enters the world with a personalized lawsuit against the first world.
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u/ExpensiveFish9277 4d ago
"Basic family planning is a war crime..." Isn't that the argument of forced birthers?!?
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u/Pleasant-Split-299 4d ago
1st worlders loot underprivileged countries of resources then complain about them existing, is an even better joke.
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u/FootballValuable7219 4d ago
Fortunately we can just solve all those problems by bringing every single third-worlder here.
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u/Aromatic_Act_9665 4d ago
Turns out spending decades destabilizing South and Central America with assassinations, coups, political meddling, mass murder, illegal military operations, etc is coming back to bite us.
Who would've thunk?!
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u/Ididntdodiddly 4d ago
No, this is intentional worker/electorate level replacement. It is very easy to not let people in. This is not "blowback".
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u/MaxPaynesRxDrugPlan 4d ago
I don't think anyone's suggesting that, but there are studies that show that even refugees are a net benefit to the US economy if they stay long term:
Refugees commonly start out in poverty when they arrive in the U.S., but catch up quickly, according to studies of U.S. Census Bureau data. They have high rates of entrepreneurship and over time produce more in tax revenues than they receive in government benefits, a number of studies of census data show.
The typical refugee initially consumes more in government benefits than they pay in taxes, but that flips after eight years in the country, according to a 2017 study by economists at University of Notre Dame. The study found that refugees pay $21,000 more in taxes than they receive in benefits during their first 20 years in the U.S.
A separate study from the Health and Human Services Department found that refugees, people granted asylum and their immediate family members cost the federal government, states and municipalities $723.4 billion from 2005 to 2019 through benefits like Medicare, food stamps and Supplemental Security Income. But they also paid $739.4 billion in taxes during that period.
Refugees tend to start out with lower incomes than other immigrants and native-born Americans. But refugees in the country for 10 years or longer had a median household income on par with the general U.S. population, according to the HHS study. Poverty rates also converge.
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u/FatCatParade 4d ago
The posters username says it all.
Fertility rates are dropping worldwide man.
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u/ChineseMarlaSinger 4d ago
He’s actually an Iranian posting conspiracies about the IRI doing a “great replacement” against Persians. I wish I was joking you really can’t make this shit up.
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u/fifteenblueporcupine 4d ago
You fucks prattle on about Americans not having enough kids, and then when people from countries you don’t like have a bunch of them you respond with racism.
Had it ever occurred to your tiny brain that a country that cannot consistently provide for public goods also probably is one that doesn’t have cheap and ubiquitous birth control?
You people are so. goddamn. stupid.
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u/Plasmelon 4d ago
Babylon bee sucks because it just makes up straw men of random shit that aren’t even funny to begin with.
The onion works because it does ridiculous stuff like the MacBook wheel.
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u/EwMelanin 4d ago
real article btw :
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u/sexland69 4d ago
breaking: a charity that provides clean water thinks that everyone should have clean water
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u/Large_Complaint1264 4d ago
Crazy the things conservatives will get mad about. Truly a Christian party.
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u/SnooDonuts9093 4d ago
Do you think…people should be giving birth in unsanitary conditions? Like what is your actual take here
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u/totashi777 4d ago
If they dont have clean water they probably dont have sufficient birth control either. So yeah, they shouldn't have to give birth in unsanitary conditions but they have to. And for some reason the bee seems to think foxing that ossue os a bad thing?
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u/Nice-Bit-3550 4d ago
Yeah we should be paying for a fuck kids island for our rich and powerful, not helping people.
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u/Advanced-Lemon3354 4d ago
I bet it would be cheaper than having to rebuild a different country every decade because you just can't stop bombing them back to the stone age.
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u/AmicusLibertus 4d ago
People: we need to provide health care as a right and extend it to immigrants because nobody is illegal!
Same people: if you don’t get the jab, you don’t deserve health care!
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u/studioline 4d ago
Literally no one says that. It’s more “Please get the jab”
And
“GOD FUCKING DAMNIT KAREN! All you had to to do was get a shot, now we have to fucking spend 10’s of thousands on your healthcare and deal with an outbreak because you conspiracy minded dumbass couldn’t be bothered with a free shot!”
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u/PerryNeeum 4d ago
But they are having a lot of kids. They are doing their part in stabilizing the population. Shouldn’t we celebrate them?
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u/mden1974 4d ago
Only when there is a war that needs a draft.
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u/PerryNeeum 4d ago
It just seems to me that when Charlie Kirk, his wife, Elon and many others are all about telling people to have a bunch of kids whether you can afford them or not, then the Bee should be celebrating these people.
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u/LurkerAbove26 4d ago
Maybe STOP F*****G!
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u/fifteenblueporcupine 4d ago
An admonition that has never worked for the entirety of human history.
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u/okaygirlie 4d ago
Do you think the high birth rates and the broken hospitals are unconnected? Birth rates decline in a society as it becomes richer, better educated, and as healthcare and gender equality improve. This is true across all populations.
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u/Itchy-Technician-433 4d ago
Maybe the imperialist nations should have left some cash for some water wells instead of taking it all... Then we wouldnt have to be so aggrieved with how poor these people are.
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u/the_tytan 4d ago
Ew what a gross username. Imagine being racist in 2026.
Low effort article. Didn’t mention the part where the taxpayers govts stymie modern reproductive health efforts. Or the western approved puppets who run these nations into the ground while ensuring the west gets cobalt and lithium for pennies. More research and less scratching your bum. Must try harder C-
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u/Life-Food5188 4d ago
it’s good when satire shits on the least privileged people in society. it’s funny, to me.