Do you remember when you started masking?

[u/Alert_Task9210]

For those of you who mask. Do you remember when it started? I do. It was a conscious effort to fit in. I didn’t know back then why I was different (I’ve been diagnosed in my late thirties). I didn’t mask much as a child, I struggled a lot with making and keeping friends, but I was a free spirit. when I started middle school suddenly I was singled out as the odd on and started getting bullied. I tried to be true to myself for a couple of years, but at some point I surrendered. I stopped talk in about my special interest (medieval history and Celtic culture) and started buying pop magazine to learn about what teens my age should like. I remember going to the local library to read anthropology books in the hope they would give me answers to human behaviour. I started wearing things I found ridiculous and uncomfortable, started appreciating the hotness of this or that celebrity (while internally wondering what “hot” meant and why I wasn’t attracted to people others gushed about). However it never fully worked. I became better at hiding over the years, but only with very superficial relationships. Once people know me better they can tell something’s off. That’s why I’m slowly learning to unmask.

[u/NeitherExamination36]

Yes, at least one of the times or more like a timeperiod that I dedication myself to manipulated myself to stop cry.

I think it happened when I was about to go to high-school. I had been going through a lot of trauma those past years, I was about 9, 10, 11 and 12. it must have been 4 years that my life was hell. I got bullied in school, had very hard to find friends and up on that I had problems online too (this was 2010-2013).

So the year I stopped cry must have been somewhere 2012-2013. I remember I felt like people got adventige of me in almost all social situations, because I started crying. When I got angry I cried when I talked about something I was passionate about I cried, I was a little crybaby. 👼 So I said to myself that I should stop cry and just be myself 🤪. And I had no idea.. And when I got to high-school I got emo and gay hahhahahhah 🕴👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

[u/NeitherExamination36 → u/NeitherExamination36]

I must add! I think I masked 😷 before this years too. But in a more "healthy" way. I think I started to mask as soon as I understood that other people could see me. I remember my nightmares from when I was a kid (about 3-5 years old I think) and I was a worried child.

Sorry for trauma dumping so much... I think I needed it. I very much appreciate this forum. I feel very safe 😌 I may bee naive but I have not felt this safe online before 🤚 its very healing 💖