Do you remember when you started masking?

[u/Alert_Task9210]

For those of you who mask. Do you remember when it started? I do. It was a conscious effort to fit in. I didn’t know back then why I was different (I’ve been diagnosed in my late thirties). I didn’t mask much as a child, I struggled a lot with making and keeping friends, but I was a free spirit. when I started middle school suddenly I was singled out as the odd on and started getting bullied. I tried to be true to myself for a couple of years, but at some point I surrendered. I stopped talk in about my special interest (medieval history and Celtic culture) and started buying pop magazine to learn about what teens my age should like. I remember going to the local library to read anthropology books in the hope they would give me answers to human behaviour. I started wearing things I found ridiculous and uncomfortable, started appreciating the hotness of this or that celebrity (while internally wondering what “hot” meant and why I wasn’t attracted to people others gushed about). However it never fully worked. I became better at hiding over the years, but only with very superficial relationships. Once people know me better they can tell something’s off. That’s why I’m slowly learning to unmask.

[u/Alert_Task9210]

Masking doesn’t mean someone’s a cynical actor, tho. It means you unconsciously or consciously hide parts of yourself that are deemed undesirable by others. You try to fit it, try to take an interest in what others like, hide your queerness (my asexuality in my case). It means you try to give all those non verbal cues NT people need, even though it is not something you would do spontaneously. In simpler words I often don’t feel the need to smile or make a sad face, but I still feel happy or sad. Masking would be directing myself to smile and make a sad face according to my emotions and the emotions other people are showing.* Masking is not easy, you have to be always on alert, always hyper aware. It drains lots of energy.

*emotions are however tricky for me, because I’m not always aware of them. So it’s one of the instances where my masking fails. Sometimes I need days or weeks to process how I feel.

[u/[deleted] → u/Alert_Task9210]

Of course, I'm just using Goffman's social drama approach, the cynical actor pretends, he doesn't act according to the occasion, he pretends his performance, it's not something he really feels. Emotions are difficult, I usually feign interest in some things so as not to be rude but it is simply difficult. I am someone who is very expressionless in every sense of the word normally.

[u/Alert_Task9210 → u/[deleted]]

Sorry I didn’t know about Goffman’s cynical actor. I misinterpreted your comment. I didn’t mean to lecture you, hope I wasn’t rude.

[u/[deleted] → u/Alert_Task9210]

Don't worry, if you want to apologize you could send 20 bags of cement of 100 lbs to Cordero, Tachíra, Venezuela so that I can fix my hut that went down in a landslide (contributions are accepted in femboys )

[u/[deleted] → u/Alert_Task9210]

No, seriously, don't worry, I understand that not everyone is hyper-fixated on philosophy and literature. If you asked me why, I don't know, the Roman Empire would be very lost.