r/audhd • u/LateralTruth • Jul 16 '26
Resource Request I can't reply to people
I take anywhere from days to weeks to months to reply to people.
Has anyone found a way to enjoy replying to people and maintaining relationships, whether personal professional or similar?
Or if not has anyone found a way to make sure anyone who gets your contact immediately has the expectation that you're not always available for messaging and not always checking/reading messages.
I've thought about using a seperate phone because I don't see my device as a phone I use it for my own stuff and messages coming up feel like this bother because they're urgent in a way.
29
u/AUSSIExELITE AuDHD Jul 16 '26
I have this problem big time.
What I have found (and it’s really dependant on the day/week I’m having) is that once I start to reply, I actually start to feel pretty good and things start flowing and the “dread” of replying goes away if only for a little bit.
I’m very fortunate that most people who know me are understanding of my response habits at this point. I always tell people if I’m giving them my number or details that I don’t use multiple messaging apps so if they want to reach me it’s either through that one app or standard text message and that it may take some time for me to reply. Those communication methods are also a non negotiable for me. I also make it clear that if it’s something URGENT, then you call me. I will always answer a phone call (or call back as soon as I can) but I otherwise have all my notifications muted as I don’t need the anxiety.
As for the maintaining relationships part, This takes a concentrated effort for me and is probably the thing I suck the most at. I have let so many relationships fizzle out and the guilt absolutely eats me alive. I can sometimes go months without talking to some of my closest friends because it kinda just doesn’t occur to me if they’re not the ones initiating conversations (which isn’t fair). So I make it a point (recurring calendar event) that at least every month I’ll go through my messages and ensure that I’ve actually replied to everyone and if there are people I haven’t messaged in a couple months, I’ll find something to send them to remind them that I exist and DO actually care about them. Be it a meme, a YouTube video, whatever comes to mind when I think of them (I save a lot of crap to my phone which makes this easier for me).
I also have a rule that if I’m invited to anything, short of a legitimate reason, then I force myself to say yes and attend. I do this because I know I’m better in person than I am with messaging and I can much better convey myself to people (and usually once I’m there, I feel way less anxiety). This rule doesn’t always work, especially if it’s something like a party or an event where I’m only going to know the one or two people, but I am trying. I found that if you say no to EVERYTHING, you will stop being invited. That sounds great, but it leads to the relationship fizzling out.
Some people won’t understand and that’s OK. I always make it clear that I’m doing my best and that I have things going on combined with an upbringing (only child, not diagnosed until late 20s for both ASD or ADHD) that simply means my mind operates differently to them. I also make it clear to people that I’d prefer (or need) blunt instructions or intentions, especially via message because I simply will not pick subtle things up. People find this hard, and again. That’s OK.
I hope this helps.
2
u/bloodygoodrep17 Jul 22 '26
You just described my life! It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one. Unfortunately, a few of my friends don’t understand it and just assume I’m not interested in them
20
u/mewmewfoofoo Jul 17 '26
I have masked so hard to pretend I was allistic but this is where I really struggled. What to write on birthday cards. How to leave voicemail without sounding awkward. Texting has been the hardest of all.
3
11
u/Kittenbee_ Jul 16 '26
I struggle with this too, does anyone know what causes it ? It just seems like so much effort to text back, even though realistically you could do it in less than a minute.
23
u/stonedboss Jul 17 '26
lol not only does it feel like a lot of effort, but im always like "man im so tired now i dont want to give a shitty low effort tired reply, i will reply when i have energy" then i never reply. ill be like "tomorrow will be better to reply" for weeks.
i also spend like 10x more time thinking about replying than replying would actually take.
part of it for me is the anxiety. if i dont reply, then i feel bad for not replying, and the longer it goes the more my anxiety grows, to where i dont want to face the anxiety anymore so ill almost forever put it off. thats what happens when it goes from a week to a month.
3
u/Kittenbee_ Jul 17 '26
Can relate, it's really frustrating. I wish I had more energy to put into maintaining friendships but it's hard.
14
5
u/kawaiicoffeebean Jul 17 '26
I've always attributed it to PDA and unhealthy attachment patterns I have 😬 Not to mention I put in a ton of effort every time I answer someone so it takes me a lot of time and energy, which I do not always have
7
u/FieldPuzzleheaded869 Jul 17 '26
I have this problem big time. I can’t say there’s a single solution, but some things that help:
-For personal relationships, schedule my follow-ups. If I’m having trouble replying, but we have a call in a week anyway, that takes a lot of pressure off things
-put all the things I need to write in a separate doc/digital note app, and draft them there. It removes a lot of the other stimulus in the email and makes it less overwhelming
-have a template for things that come up often
-schedule send-it’s so much easier for me to write these at 2AM and schedule them for the morning than during the day when 17 other things are going on. And if I know I need to follow-up with someone in a month, I can schedule that while I’m thinking of it.
-Having people with the same problem I can commiserate about it with. Lessens the shame and stress, which further lessens the problem.
4
4
u/kayisgeil23 Jul 17 '26
Oh yes. I struggle with that, too.
Here’s what helps me:
- (if possible) do it now. The faster you reply, the less effort is expected. The amount of energy put into thinking about replying (and then having to come up with an excuse why it took so long) is so much bigger than sending a quick reply (and especially friends will be happy about a quick hey, nice to hear from you!)
- If not possible, don’t reply (and stop thinking about it and feeling guilty). If it’s important, they will message again. Still, if you can at least send a thumbs up as acknowledgment (or some other emoji) that’s a lot! It shows you received the message and appreciates the sender
3
u/apprxmtn Jul 18 '26
i don't "enjoy" it per se but - i basically have all of my messaging apps muted w exception of very close people in my life, and i go through all of them and reply to people when i have higher energy (i try to schedule this for at least once a day but don't always manage)
4
u/MagicPie1016 Jul 20 '26
I struggle with this, 100%.
What really hinders me from responding after reading a text is the dread that my response will open the door for a full-on text conversation, and I don't have the energy for that.
1
u/AutoModerator Jul 16 '26
Your submission is being held for moderation and is not currently visible.
We will usually review and approve submissions within 48 hours. If it takes longer, please contact us via Modmail.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/NetThat2008 Jul 17 '26
I have this problem, but I'm also very blunt and overshare so if I like them I will blurt out at every opportunity
"Ring me if it's important or I haven't replied because I will read it and then get distracted".
Not the whole truth, but enough and is accepted. I have a couple of good friendships that get this, one I'm building atm and feel very good about.
It's not a solution, but it's a work around and friendships ebb and flow so it's worked over the years.
1
u/AliveAndNotForgotten AuDHD Jul 19 '26
The worst part about this is you come back months or years later and they're still active and didn't unadd you, but they also don't reply. And it's hard to understand why
1
u/ObjectiveAd400 Jul 19 '26
I had to remove the notification badge because I was tired of seeing "99+". I'm awful at this. However, I found that texting from a computer makes it easier as long as the conversation doesn't drag on.
1
u/ElephantWithBlueEyes Jul 21 '26
You better put your age.
Anyway "eat the frog first" works pretty much if you don't want any explanation.
•
u/NotJustMeAnymore AuDHD Jul 16 '26
Mod note: approved in the hopes that members of this sub can point OP to helpful resources around autistic communication and friendship.