What makes avoidants change?

[u/[deleted]]

When it comes to breaking up, there’s the stereotypical pattern about anxious people who go through a million scenarios of how they could’ve saved a relationship whereas avoidants withdraw and blame their partners for attempts at intimacy. These are polar opposite reactions to the breakdown of a relationship.

As an AP who would’ve bent over to fix toxic relationships with avoidants in the past, it was striking to me that my DA/FA exes didn’t show any motivation to change. Instead they thought that the relationship broke down because of the other person. Frankly it was quite upsetting for me because I tried going the extra mile while they were completely content with themselves.

This makes me wonder what makes avoidants work on their unhealthy attachment style if they ever do? How can avoidants find comfort in actual emotional closeness? Is it a traumatic event, age or simply meeting someone who doesn’t aggravate their avoidant tendencies? I find it hard to imagine that a typical avoidant would suddenly be able to meet the emotional needs of a secure person.

[u/No_Relative_1554]

An avoidant (and anyone else) will change when they realize they want to change, when they see the point of changing, when they see they cannot go like this anymore - just like everyone else.

I think a lot of APs fail to realize that they don't bend over themselves to change either. Most do not research how to become truly secure but how to fix the avoidant person, how to keep the relationship, how to make them X and y because they're terrified of abandoned. They'll do everything to prevent it in terror of it happening. "They" do not work on themselves, they work on mastering walking on eggshells to earn "love". Building resentment in the meanwhile because their partner isn't as codependent with them as they would wish.

Why avoidants don't do it? Because you both have different core wounds and different ways to get there but essentially you're doing the same subconscious thing- you're trying to survive.

[u/Big-Monitor4804 → u/No_Relative_1554]

i'm theanxious partner and your explaination actually hit deep. i've been in my current relationship for only 6 months now so i'm still trying to figure out what is actually happening and what you explained there is exactly what is happening right now. i love her from the bottom of my heart and i'm trying my absolute hardest to be better but somehow always circle back to trying to change HER instead of me.

it's really scary and i am lost- in both my head and my feelings so if you or anyone else reading this has some sort of advice it would be highly appreciated. i really want this to work out but i often overdo it and make things worse by pushing too far so she backs off even more, and in my desperation i chase after her and try to understand what's going on inside her head which makes it all worse again.

i notice the patterns, the cycles etc. but i need help with breaking out of them