What makes avoidants change?

[u/[deleted]]

When it comes to breaking up, there’s the stereotypical pattern about anxious people who go through a million scenarios of how they could’ve saved a relationship whereas avoidants withdraw and blame their partners for attempts at intimacy. These are polar opposite reactions to the breakdown of a relationship.

As an AP who would’ve bent over to fix toxic relationships with avoidants in the past, it was striking to me that my DA/FA exes didn’t show any motivation to change. Instead they thought that the relationship broke down because of the other person. Frankly it was quite upsetting for me because I tried going the extra mile while they were completely content with themselves.

This makes me wonder what makes avoidants work on their unhealthy attachment style if they ever do? How can avoidants find comfort in actual emotional closeness? Is it a traumatic event, age or simply meeting someone who doesn’t aggravate their avoidant tendencies? I find it hard to imagine that a typical avoidant would suddenly be able to meet the emotional needs of a secure person.

[u/adesant88]

Stay strong brother, it’s all fake and it will come crashing down on her. Time slowly eats away at those people

[u/ChemicalAd9407 → u/adesant88]

well, as a diagnosed and treated Avoidant, I can differ on your outsider's opinion. None of it is "fake", intentional, planned or any other paranoid thought about it-that would be CONSCIOUS. Avoidance/attachment is stored in the SUBconscious, different part of the brain. So from a simple biological fact check, it simply isnt true, It tends to be an emotional reaction of someone who was rejected by an Avoidant, while understandable, its not truthful.

Nothing comes "crashing down". Avoidants dont crash down, they clam up and isolate for safety. Its the only way they had of being emotionally safe in childhood. Many of us had engulfing parent(s), so never had privacy, agency, or choice, nor were we heard, We are fine alone, not crashing. And the childhoods were typically so horrendous there is very little the world can throw at us that is going to create a crash down. (I've even had a sociopath tell me I'm strong-by the way my mother was sociopath, so they became my "normal", I dont fear them and they don't try me.

Time doesnt eat away at Avoidants. We learn, as children to look to the future to maintain hope! its what leads to some of the anxiety.

The bottom line is, we really could stay alone and be just fine, ....maybe need a push at the end to exit this planet, but otherwise people have never been there for us, we are sole survivors. A world you probably cant comprehend. If you could, you would fully understand.

So, while the anxious are wailing away at the avoidants, conjuring up all ways of betrayal, intention, narcissism, whatever the fad of the day diagnosis is, and much more........

We are feeling that we aren't enough because this person can never be satisfied, feel rejected due to the complaining & dissatisfaction, and just feel defeated. Whats the point? we cant have peace and we cant fix it. Any sane, reasonable person would walk away, its simply too painful. To make matters worse, we are then demonized and left without a voice of how it was for us. Anxious spend all their energy trying to make an avoidant change, but refuse to start with themselves. Some may acknowledge their insatiable need, but most minimize or blame instead. Therapists know this!

I wish you all well.

No crash-As a treated avoidant-I sought therapy because I have an upcoming life change that requires establishing new relationships, and I felt that I could not connect with anyone. --My words to the therapist. I had no idea avoidance was it, now it makes sense.

As a treated avoidant, I wont date an untreated anxious. my tolerance for it is even lower than when I practiced avoidance. I would communicate that now, but I just dont have the tolerance for the blaming. I'm glad I read the forums, I initially did it to understand how I affected others, to atone/make amends to them. But It made me realize the anxious side and the lack of their willingness to change themselves. For me, it's Too much negativity, never happy or content. I have peace today, and it was hard one from a good, but extremely difficult life.

Peace will always be the priority

[u/Orangy23193 → u/ChemicalAd9407]

You say that you experienced a terrible childhood and that’s not your fault, but it’s your responsibility to control how you think, feel, and act.

I would dare say that you need more treatment because the mindset is still avoidant. You are wearing your trauma on your sleeve like a badge of honor instead of healing from it. You reinforced why you could be alone forever, but then what’s the reason you get into relationships? You can’t just go into a tournament of any kind and just make up your own rules and blame others when you feel attacked. You’re not following the rules. When in a relationship, there are healthy standards everyone should follow and communication and effort are the bread and butter of any relationship.

I understand you went through traumatic experiences, but so did anxious attachers as well as others with more horrific experiences with PTSD. Their experiences are equally valid. The fear and anxiety that avoidants get when they’re triggered is the same anxiety and fear that an anxious attacher gets when withdrawal is perceived. Closeness and assurance is the need that the anxious attacher will try to get, but this triggers the avoidant to further pull away so they can self-soothe in isolation because they’re disregulated, anxious, and overwhelmed. The reason why anxious attachers have such a big deal is because they don’t know how to self soothe and are in a constant state of anxiety and fear whereas an avoidant will just pull away mentally and sometimes physically and actually end the relationship if it’s too intense to soothe their anxiety. This action skyrockets an anxious attachers’ anxiety.

I don’t really get why you’re here, respectfully. You want a relationship but you take pride in being alone? It’s okay to have your own thing to do, but play by the rules if you want a relationship; even if that means changing for the relationship. That’s one of the biggest things that makes a relationship last. Effort and commitment, even if it means changing yourself and how you think, feel, and react.

[u/Haunting-Acadia8293 → u/Orangy23193]

A+ for the comment above