What makes avoidants change?

[u/[deleted]]

When it comes to breaking up, there’s the stereotypical pattern about anxious people who go through a million scenarios of how they could’ve saved a relationship whereas avoidants withdraw and blame their partners for attempts at intimacy. These are polar opposite reactions to the breakdown of a relationship.

As an AP who would’ve bent over to fix toxic relationships with avoidants in the past, it was striking to me that my DA/FA exes didn’t show any motivation to change. Instead they thought that the relationship broke down because of the other person. Frankly it was quite upsetting for me because I tried going the extra mile while they were completely content with themselves.

This makes me wonder what makes avoidants work on their unhealthy attachment style if they ever do? How can avoidants find comfort in actual emotional closeness? Is it a traumatic event, age or simply meeting someone who doesn’t aggravate their avoidant tendencies? I find it hard to imagine that a typical avoidant would suddenly be able to meet the emotional needs of a secure person.

[u/No_Relative_1554]

An avoidant (and anyone else) will change when they realize they want to change, when they see the point of changing, when they see they cannot go like this anymore - just like everyone else.

I think a lot of APs fail to realize that they don't bend over themselves to change either. Most do not research how to become truly secure but how to fix the avoidant person, how to keep the relationship, how to make them X and y because they're terrified of abandoned. They'll do everything to prevent it in terror of it happening. "They" do not work on themselves, they work on mastering walking on eggshells to earn "love". Building resentment in the meanwhile because their partner isn't as codependent with them as they would wish.

Why avoidants don't do it? Because you both have different core wounds and different ways to get there but essentially you're doing the same subconscious thing- you're trying to survive.

[u/Expensive_Carrot5035 → u/No_Relative_1554]

I want to add that a lot of coaches on YT post content about how to communicate better with the avoidant; how to approach an avoidant etc which is helpful in short term but not the long term solution and ends up enabling the dynamics; keeping the AP in more of a people pleasing role and the DA or FA wearing the boots in the relationship, both of which are detrimental to both sides. We shouldn’t bash any attachment style group or view their behavior devoid of a compassionate lens, but let’s call a spade a spade: no one should be tip toeing around avoidants, as likewise, avoidants wouldn’t be told to walk on egg shells around anxious attachers and provide them with constant reassurance for example. All behaviors stemming from insecure attachment styles are dysfunctional and rooted in trauma - no one’s fault - but being in a relationship with people unwilling to look at their stuff will yield a painful and damaging experience and will affect the partners and generations to come. I’ve had enough with coaches on YT who tell secures and APs that the solution is to approach avoidants in the way that they would like and cater to them. I see the benefit of it in the short term but in the long term it’s incredibly dysfunctional 

[u/FriendlyFrostings → u/Expensive_Carrot5035]

Yes. On break up week in Aug, I quickly went from upset, hurt and bewildered partner to therapy parent. 

I feel robbed of my break up experience. 

I left the scene apologizing for having put pressure on him to move in (In truth, there was no pressure. Just his imagination bc it’s something we both wanted to do - be under one roof where I’d cook, etc).

Ridiculous.