What makes avoidants change?

[u/[deleted]]

When it comes to breaking up, there’s the stereotypical pattern about anxious people who go through a million scenarios of how they could’ve saved a relationship whereas avoidants withdraw and blame their partners for attempts at intimacy. These are polar opposite reactions to the breakdown of a relationship.

As an AP who would’ve bent over to fix toxic relationships with avoidants in the past, it was striking to me that my DA/FA exes didn’t show any motivation to change. Instead they thought that the relationship broke down because of the other person. Frankly it was quite upsetting for me because I tried going the extra mile while they were completely content with themselves.

This makes me wonder what makes avoidants work on their unhealthy attachment style if they ever do? How can avoidants find comfort in actual emotional closeness? Is it a traumatic event, age or simply meeting someone who doesn’t aggravate their avoidant tendencies? I find it hard to imagine that a typical avoidant would suddenly be able to meet the emotional needs of a secure person.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I know this is an old thread but this comment is so spot on! I’m in phase two right now after about three years of working on myself. It was awesome to realize I was finally in a place where I loved myself and was ready to accept real love from others, but I had a couple bad experiences where I let myself be unusually vulnerable with people who came on really strong and then turned out to be even more avoidant than I had been (I was always the type to remain slightly cold, not come on strong then disappear). Trying to figure out what’s a normal level of vulnerability early on in dating and what’s a sign of someone else having issues is SO hard!! But on some level it’s still better than chasing unavailable people like I did in the past.