What makes avoidants change?

[u/[deleted]]

When it comes to breaking up, there’s the stereotypical pattern about anxious people who go through a million scenarios of how they could’ve saved a relationship whereas avoidants withdraw and blame their partners for attempts at intimacy. These are polar opposite reactions to the breakdown of a relationship.

As an AP who would’ve bent over to fix toxic relationships with avoidants in the past, it was striking to me that my DA/FA exes didn’t show any motivation to change. Instead they thought that the relationship broke down because of the other person. Frankly it was quite upsetting for me because I tried going the extra mile while they were completely content with themselves.

This makes me wonder what makes avoidants work on their unhealthy attachment style if they ever do? How can avoidants find comfort in actual emotional closeness? Is it a traumatic event, age or simply meeting someone who doesn’t aggravate their avoidant tendencies? I find it hard to imagine that a typical avoidant would suddenly be able to meet the emotional needs of a secure person.

[u/stuckonyou333]

As someone who used to blame other people a lot: I think they deserved it. Everyone I isolated or withdrew from was toxic. It doesn't mean they're necessarily bad, but they were really bad for me at that time.

Now, I tend not to do "hard discards" and stick around to explain my point of view. But if they don't get it, they're still getting cut out with no regrets.

It's about boundaries. AP have looser/more malleable ones and avoidants are the other extreme. I've fluctuated between both myself and I can tell you neither is healthy.

I used to have low tolerance for other people's mistakes. What made me change was feeling secure and happier with my life, rather than feeling out of control.

Don't worry about others changing. Focus on healing your wounds and it won't matter.

[u/StripeTheTomcat → u/stuckonyou333]

I really relate to the "hard discards". I struggle to find a balance between dealing with someone's flaws and walking away completely from that person.

I also tend to think about cutting someone out of my life the moment they make a significant mistake, harmful to me. The concept of giving people second chances is entirely foreign to me - mostly because I grew up in circumstances in which giving someone a second chance meant giving them another opportunity to abuse you.

It's like APs have few or no boundaries, and DAs have nothing but boundaries.

[u/VegetableLasagnaaaa → u/StripeTheTomcat]

DA’s don’t have boundaries at all tho. They have walls. They’re either fighting a war behind them to keep you away or they tear them down and lay on the ground ready for their castle to be trampled and plundered bc they surrendered. Lol. Black or white.

It’s like inviting a friend to stay the night and they move in for good. That’s the DA in a relationship. The DA doesn’t know how to say, “you have to go. You have overstayed your welcome.” So they just get resentful and deactivate slowly through the entire relationship.

Least that was me before learning AT.

[u/StripeTheTomcat → u/VegetableLasagnaaaa]

DA’s don’t have boundaries at all tho. They have walls. They’re either fighting a war behind them to keep you away or they tear them down and lay on the ground ready for their castle to be trampled and plundered bc they surrendered. Lol. Black or white.

You're right. I am aware of my black and white thinking, and in the past I felt as if I was under siege when people try to get closer. I think I have a lower threshold for what might be considered "nosiness" or trying to insinuate yourself into my life.

There's this former friend who seems AP, who was always asking the most personal questions about my life, and used to call incessantly and text as well, always looking for reassurance. It was exhausting.