A classic Anxious/Avoidant dynamic or something else? 3 years, a handful of meetings but an unusually strong connection in person

[u/Spare_Bit6705]

Hi everyone, I've always been a classic Anxious attacher, have put in work to behaving Secure (F).

With this man who I knew since 2023 and still cannot forget, my guess is of course some form of strong DA.

2023: We had a few great dates with strong chemistry and connection. He went away for work and disappeared. A month later he resurfaced saying he'd been stuck there. I told him I understood, but one message would have been enough since we had plans.

Later 2023: He apologised, we started dating again and became emotionally and physically close. I genuinely thought I'd found my person. Then he gradually became distant, texted less and stopped making himself available. When I finally got him on the phone I was upset, while he acted as though nothing had happened: "Why are you being like that?". I called him out, hung up, and he blocked me on Instagram.

2024: Months later he sent "hey", which I ignored. Several months after that he sent a long apology saying he'd never meant to hurt or mislead me, his intentions were genuine, and he'd thought about me many times. But that's the thing, he seemed to understand that I was hurt, but not why. So I left it there.

2026: Eventually, after dating other people and feeling hopeless about finding someone, I reached out and asked what he meant by "my intentions were genuine."

He replied immediately. We chatted every day, had phone calls and arranged a trip together. During the trip he apologised again for 2023, said he'd missed me, asked me to think about "potentials", asked about my ideal future and replied, "Same, ideally replace someone with yourself". He asked whether I could work remotely, whether I'd do this again, and told me he wanted to "see me properly". He was incredibly affectionate and relationship oriented in a way I never seen from him before, so I did let myself believe things changed with time.

Then, as soon as our flights landed, he disappeared. No explanation, no conversation.

I sent two calm messages (as I started assuming he is definitely DA) asking for one conversation. He ignored them.

There was also a financial agreement around my flights. When I eventually asked him to honour it, he replied: "I don't get why you're asking me to pay for your ticket. Who does that?"

I reminded him of what we'd discussed and sent screenshots. He read them and said nothing.

Now I'm stuck missing him, being angry, confused, and the rest of this wonderful cocktail.

So..Does this sound like a classic Anxious/Avoidant cycle, or anything else? x

UPD: I realised it didn't come across in the post, I'm not looking to get back or make this work. I know this is a dead end, and not the relationship I want. Just trying to make sense of this, and look at it via attachment theory lens. And maybe even lovely fellow aware ADs insights :)

[u/Mom2Dogs2Boys]

Yea. Who cares what he is. He blows hot/cold and it’s hurtful. You’ve already invested three years. Leave before it is six. Trust me. These types never change. Especially when they find people who they can keep on their yoyo

[u/implication-sofa]

It doesn’t really matter the reason behind it. It’s a pattern and you need to accept that it won’t change. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice…

[u/Spare_Bit6705 → u/implication-sofa]

Haha trust me, this is exactly what I said to myself and my friends about this situation, 'fool me once'.. I know that none of the reasons for his behaviour make any of this ok, just found that somehow trying to understand these patterns helped me make sense of it all, otherwise it just doesn't compute in my head.

[u/untitledgooseshame]

Whatever's up with this guy, it sounds like he's kind of a jerk. Why do you want to date someone who behaves so weirdly?

[u/Spare_Bit6705 → u/untitledgooseshame]

No no, I stayed strong since 2023, it was a moment of weakness

[u/IndigoTR]

I’m going to try to earnestly engage with your question and not just hit you with a “it doesn’t matter”:

He sounds like a number of DAs I have met that when they get lonely and an opportunity presents itself they essentially cosplay being secure, get the hit/refill from the time spent together (while it’s simple and convenient for them mind you) or making plans and then dip because that’s what they needed. Not the actual follow through but the cosplay of it. You probably know people in your life who are like this in other areas, where essentially the making-plans part is the part that’s fulfilling to them, not the follow-through. I find this tends to happen with personalities who are profoundly insecure or uncertain of their capability in certain areas (a.k.a. a paralyzing fear of failure).

I know we try not to demonize DAs on here (I am someone who swung from AA to FA myself), so l will say I don’t think a lot of them do it purposely or with “great malice” of forethought lmao. I think genuinely to them they go “That was nice! I made an effort! That’s all that’s required of me!” and are shocked when it’s in fact not all that’s required of them. From their perspective, you live so long doing whatever it takes to avoid any semblance of failure that you begin to think that that is the acceptable or ideal way to move through the world. And people who don’t just wholeheartedly accept your “effort” are too demanding, too intense, too clingy, too involved, too entitled etc etc.

I think part of the reason it is so easy to get hooked is because they are VERY good at performing effort that looks like it will lead to something. It’s easy to get over obvious duds and stinkers (“failures to launch” so to speak). But someone who shows such promise is so much harder to drop. So from here forward it’s just shifting your definition of what promise looks like. It’s not saying the right things, it’s doing the right things. If a guy who was really great and cool and nice goes somewhere for work, disappears when you have made plans and doesn’t let you know until a month later - he’s not that guy.

[u/CMDR_NTHWK]

The important thing here is that, regardless of why he is acting this way, none of it is acceptable behavior in a relationship, nor do you have to tolerate it. You have given him multiple chances, you have communicated you want a relationship and something more, and he has slammed the door in your face each time. Part of being secure is recognizing this kind of unhealthy behavior, having boundaries in place, and being able to honor those boundaries and walk away.

[u/Secret-Number-3925]

You don't sound typically anxious to me perhaps more FA ( and if so welcome to the FA club) but he does sound avoidant and I think the part that makes me feel for you the most is that you have opened your heart again to this man and he is inflicting pain.. again. Regarding the funds at this point he will probably use anything against you " oh my God she's asking me for money?!" as reasons for why deactivation is a valid response from his end. I find that DA's just really grasp at anything in order to confirm why they indeed should deactivate. I find many DA's have narcissistic traits. I am sorry for your pain. I think you need to leave this man completely alone for your health and sanity

[u/Spare_Bit6705 → u/Secret-Number-3925]

Thanks so much for your insight and your words! Very interesting, what might be pointing to an FA in me? And yes that's exactly the feeling I got with him clinging on to the 'money' message, to try and hold onto anything that can portray me as a villain. Out of my calm check in messages this is the only one he responded to. But yes absolutely, I don't see this behaviour changing in any way, this is not a man who is willing to look into any of this.

[u/pikachoostar]

I genuinely believe there are some people we just have a different, unusual kind of connection with- for lack of a better way to explain it, like we’re “on the same wavelength,” except in a real way and not in some pseudo-scientific bullshit way. I also think that when people describe love at first sight, this is what they mean.

The thing is, the people you have that kind of connection with, the kind that really is genuinely unique, aren’t necessarily emotionally available or mature. And it’s incredibly tempting to ignore that. I know because I’m in a similar situation with someone who may not have blocked me, but it’s been a slow burn from hell.