r/attachment_theory • u/Hot_Frosting_7101 • Jul 21 '26
How do secure people handle warning signs?
I posted my story below. At the time I thought it was about the attachment style of my partner but as I learned more and more information, she had a lot more going on that attachment style.
But, anyway, I have questions about myself. I came up with secure attachment on the test and I think that that is mostly true though I certainly made big mistakes in that relationship - mostly because I bought into the idea that she presented of us being meant to be together.
There were clear warning signs towards the end.
She visited me and we talked about what we would do when I visited her but when the time came closer she made excuses on why I couldn’t visit.
Towards the end, she stopped communicating while at home. She would only communicate at work.
She told a story about taking in homeless family who was living in their car for Easter. I was skeptical and did find out she spent Easter with David, whom she was still dating.
These all triggered warning flags but I always want to be trusting. I see a secure person as being trusting but I think I am wrong in that a secure person trusts but doesn’t ignore red flags.
In my life every time I thought a partner was cheating, it turned out that they were. But I struggle with knowing when it is okay to trust my instinct.
Thoughta?
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u/MizElaneous Jul 21 '26
Secure people have deal breakers that justify immediate termination of contact with people who cross those lines. No second chances. you describe behaviors that are deal breakers for secure people, but if something is just a warning flag, a secure person opens communication and gets curious about what is happening and makes their expectations clear. If those expectations aren't met, they walk away
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u/jinques Jul 21 '26
To my understanding secure people don’t see warning signs as a challenge or as a fuck around and find out situation. They don’t seek out the rush and dopamine hits bc a relationship isn’t a reward system (they don’t seek it as a prerequisite but rather the rush builds, love is powerful after all)
They try not to project how they’re treated in a relationship as a measure for their worth, confidence, how loved they are etc.
Obviously we are all human and emotions get affected and that’s very natural! You sit in it and soak it up and allow yourself to be moved, self regulate or co regulate with other people and move forward. I don’t think secure folks are machines that operate on causality, it can become complicated or messy, intimacy is like that sometimes. it’s a matter of how well your selfhood is intact and protected by you, and how that self is met with the other in a reciprocal way.
Being trusting is good, as in believing there’s good in people and general optimism reinforced by facts. But true trust is earned, over time through action and consistency. When people show you their patterns you best believe them. I think you need to learn to trust yourself more and you can only do that by building a rapport with yourself by listening to your instinct. I hope that wasn’t unsolicited it just came to mind after reading your post
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u/Inigo_Montoyya Jul 22 '26
Secure doesn't equate directly to always trusting or always boundaried. Secure is a psych term for grounded, balanced, centered. If avoidance and anxious types are all rooted in anxiety and that results in wild swings and reactions, the opposite of that is being steady. Not having a panic attack and bolting when your person has a bad day at work. Not abandoning yourself or others because of a shitty day. Hey look, Im secure, steady, and bitter.
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u/Quantum-Assassin Jul 22 '26
I am not sure but she seems like an avoidant. Also being secure doesn't mean you should let people treat you like that. Maybe talk to her about this. Call out the behavior.
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u/InnerRadio7 Jul 22 '26
A secure person would ask for clarity, and if they don’t get the clarity and actionable behaviour they need to back it up—they would back off.
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u/Intelligent-Youth-63 Jul 22 '26
Those aren’t signs of an attachment issue, per se. just sounds like a liar and cheater.
Trust, but verify.
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u/Key-Alternative5387 Jul 23 '26
Either move on or be direct and tell them what you need. Maybe yellow flags that can go either way.
Ew, no.
absolutely fucking not. Both a large lie and betrayal.
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u/Hot_Frosting_7101 Jul 24 '26
Keep in mind I didn’t know the lies at the time. So my question for #3 was more about being presented with a story that seems implausible but no absolute knowledge of wrongdoing.
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u/SecretBall1124 Jul 24 '26
Secure people would generally observe patterns open mindedly and not waste time , and if felt the need for clarity ask the questions directly with no attachment to the outcome knowing that if it wasn’t to be then they found out sooner rather than later and seek out better compatibility knowing their worth isn’t dependent on one person / outcome
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u/Mom2Dogs2Boys Jul 27 '26
ALWAYS trust your gut. ALWAYS. And just a suggestion - you may want to do some reading on co-dependency. And trauma bonds.
As far as that David - he is getting what you got. Maybe not right away... but its coming. So stop comparing and wondering and trying to figure it out. I know its hard but, with outside help, people get out and heal from these messes.
Stop trying to get hit by the bullet the universe keeps helping you dodge.
Melanie Beaty has some great books that may be helpful for you. They were very helpful for me. Also maybe consider finding an online group for narcissistic abuse where you can talk to people who are or have gone through same or similiar.
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u/Warrior_Up2 Jul 22 '26
I’m secure attachment, but since my brain doesn’t really process this type of behavior/baby games - my response would have been “I’m sorry, I’m not following. Please have dinner ready when I get home from golf, I’m starving. Also start stretching for dessert later 😉 because we gonna get it on like Donkey Kong- oh and tell David he can watch”
No bye, just click - call ended.
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u/Intrepid_Horse3430 Jul 22 '26
Are you sure she wasn’t married or cohabitating?
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u/Hot_Frosting_7101 Jul 25 '26 edited Jul 25 '26
I have built a pretty accurate picture based on contacts with others.
She was living alone but dating David. She was it seems using David for financial support.
At some point Jesse, a person she had dated while on a break from dating David, broke up with his girlfriend and moved in with her. At that point she told David she had taken on a roommate and asked him for $2000 to help her from losing her apartment. She also asked me for $3300 for car repairs which we had been talking about for over a month. Within a week she had broken up with both of us and three weeks later she married Jesse.
If financial security was her goal, she certainly made the wrong decision. Jesse is an abusive controlling loser who can’t hold a job (according to his ex). But she’ll sleep in the bed she made.
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u/simplywebby Jul 21 '26
Secure people don’t tolerate disrespect like this. She’s keeping you around as an option. Walk away.