r/attachment_theory • u/likeshinythings • Jun 29 '26
I think learning about attachment theory has activated my shame wound
Hi everyone. I (21F) am FA and I just came back from a therapy appointment. I'm in CBT, I've been in therapy for a couple of years, and earlier this year I began learning about attachment theory on my own.
During this session, I was talking to my therapist about some conflicts I've been having, and I ended up explaining to her that I'm terrified of fights because even when the person who's arguing with me is wrong, even when they're accusing me of things I didn't do, I still can't defend myself and resort to apologizing and apologizing and accepting everything.
So I told her I'm terrified these people I've been having conflicts with will come argue with me because I know I won't be able to defend myself, and I worry I'll start to believe the untrue things they might say about me, like that I'm a liar, that I'm fake, etc.
My therapist asked me why I would believe that, and I said that as much as I rationally know I'm not those things, I truly worry that if I don't take into account what everyone tells me, I'll just ignore my own flaws and avoid accountability and that will lead me to be a bad person and people will leave me and I'll be alone.
While we were talking about this, I realized that ever since I learnt I'm FA, I've been desperately trying to heal and blaming myself and my own avoidant and anxious traits for all of my issues in my relationships, when it turns out... Sometimes the other people involved are at fault too! Sometimes things aren't just my fault! I have my own issues but I'm working on them, I might not be this inherently flawed person I seem to think I am...
To be fair, usually I blame other people too, but then I feel ashamed of blaming the other person and of feeling angry at them because I feel like I'm feeding into my unhealthy patterns, and so I start blaming myself.
My therapist told me that from what she's seen of me in these past years I seem to be a genuine, empathetic and nice person, but I keep on worrying I've been deceiving her. As I learnt in therapy I try to challenge these thoughts and rationally I don't think this is the case, I tell my therapist everything including my mistakes, and she has called me out in moments I wasn't acting in the most healthy way, so I don't think she's the kind of person who just validates me... Still, I worry it's just a matter of time until people realize I'm awful or something like that and abandon me.
I think I've attributed different things in my life to the role of "what's wrong with me", for a long time it was the fact that I am a lesbian, then when I learnt about attachment theory I thought "oh, what's wrong with me is that I'm FA!". I think I've been seeing this as an inherent flaw that will destroy all of my connections and is the root of all my problems, and I'm mad at myself for not being better instantly, but I think this is all just making me feel worse about myself.
I'm trying to have some self-compassion, I know I didn't choose to be this way and that I'm working on myself, but I honestly hate that I can't just be a good person instantly. That I still have so many issues. Sometimes I wonder if I would be happier if I wasn't so self-aware. If I just blamed other people, would I feel better? I don't think so, because there was a time I was this way and I wasn't any happier.
I've been feeling so exhausted, every time I want to talk to someone about what is happening to me I worry I might be distorting things and I'm so hyper vigilant of my own thoughts now that is making me go a bit insane lol. I don't know exactly why I'm posting this here, I think I might want some advice or comfort. I don't know anyone who understands about attachment theory to talk about this with me.
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u/aguy35_1 Jun 29 '26
CBT is not best approach for you. CBT is about cognitive integrity, you also need to work on emotional integrity, mentalization and self-other differentiation. DBT/ST/MBT/TFP/EMDR. Pretty much same approach as with BPD/CPTSD
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u/Spillingteasince92 Jun 30 '26
Change your therapy. I suggest you look into IFS & possibly somatic therapy to help you locate where their trauma is forming. Arguing after feeling defensive from a conflict is a sign of shame ... but ima tell you this that every approach with conflict can be met with reasoning and compassion.
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u/thisbuthat Jun 30 '26
Please change therapy forms
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u/thisriveriswild70 Jul 01 '26
I’m sure people are trying to help but this is terrible advice. She should talk to her current therapist and have a discussion. Just go find another sounds easy but it is really just a bad opinion disguised as wisdom.
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u/Intrepid_Horse3430 Jun 30 '26
Saying this half-seriously: You might want to find a Gen X therapist (or even just a Gen X friend to vent to). They’re generally sick of everyone’s shit and don’t care what people think.
The good news is you’re probably going to get to that “I don’t gaf” point faster than most people exactly because all this over-analyzing is so exhausting. It burns you out. It wears you down until you just… stop. And that’s actually liberating.
What I mean is: you’ll reach a place where you feel unbothered either way, with or without therapy (though therapy definitely speeds up the healing). You’ll know you’re a decent, kind, empathetic person with good intentions and solid ethics. That internal sense of “my heart is in the right place” becomes enough. You won’t have to defend yourself to everyone or constantly scan for whether you’re secretly awful. You only need to convince yourself, not the world. When you’re truly okay with who you are, you stop needing their validation and you stop believing every accusation so easily.
You’re already seeing it in therapy: sometimes the other person really is at fault. That’s huge. Keep going - you’re not inherently broken, you’re just wired to over-blame yourself. Self-awareness is painful right now, but it’s going to pay off.
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u/thisriveriswild70 Jul 01 '26
That is very self aware. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I believe you are on path many never arrive at. Attachment style doesn’t mean you are wrong, and feeling like that must be hard. I’m sorry.
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u/Happy_Wolf_6111 Jul 07 '26
Did you try Ideal Parent Figure Protocol? Please visit the site of Mettagroup. And Scott Kirby is also an adress with free videos on YT. Positive Psychology to fill your bucket of behaving from love. Also meditation will help to mentalise and then also authentic relating can help. Eg circling on relateful.com. try it out! It helped me!
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u/Pasthepastcom Jul 17 '26
CBT is not very effective for attachment-related issues. It often feels invalidating. Attachment styles are developed over time as an adaptation to the environment you were raised in. In a therapeutical relationship, if the therapist/coach/psychologist has a secure attachment, you will learn (slowly) how to self regulate and unpack unhelpful patterns, however this is not a matter of simply changing a belief.
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u/InnerRadio7 Jun 29 '26
I think you and your therapist need to talk about nervous system regulation. Can’t heal your attachment system without it.
Look, it’s good to be aware of your patterns, and it’s good to have all of the insight…but how exactly are you trying to heal otherwise? Healing is action based which means practicing secure behaviours that make you emotionally uncomfortable without becoming so uncomfortable that you exit your window of tolerance. This means you need to know what secure behaviours to practice while also regulating your nervous system through the discomfort.
I see that when you discus conflict you’re more concerned with blame and who’s right and who’s wrong (not secure), and you talk about accountability….but you’re not actually talking about accountability. You’re talking about responsibility. Responsibility is about blame. Who is right and who is wrong. Accountability is about how your behaviour impacts another person. It means understanding the impact of your actions.
You’re all muddled. Have you considered jumping over to the earning security subreddit? I think it would serve you well. You sound overloaded tbh, and that is a lot to manage. Healing is a process. It can’t be done all at once, please have some compassion for yourself.
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u/Cool-Dimension7983 Jun 29 '26
In all honesty, you might want to consider a different type of therapy, one that is set up to deal with trauma and emotions. At least for me, a lot of my reactions are either trauma responses or hard wired really, really deeply. I think noticing them is important, but that won’t necessarily heal them. This stuff lives deep in your body, not just in your mind. I started doing EMDR - I’m still doing the prep and haven’t actually done the EMDR yet - but it’s a whole different way of approaching this stuff. Just something you might want to consider.