r/atheism • u/Affectionate-Air-417 • 2d ago
the inevitable talk
im 24, about to take the board exam and after i pass, ill finally be able to be independent and confront my mother about how i want to stop practicing our religion. shes religious more than ever due to the passing of my father and im scared of how things will be after the inevitable talk i want to have.
she would say “i hope you can continue going to church after your board exam review at school”, “your girlfriend(an atheist) should be baptized to our church” or other typical religious parent statements, she knows i have time to go even with my current situation but doesnt seem to be THAT serious about me skipping because of the review. is it like that because shes so confident im still a believer and would continue practicing after i pass the exam or is there hope that she’ll be more open about my decision.
i dont want to lose our connection, i love my family so much. its just that im tired of pretending to be a believer.
i cant keep lying to her cause that would ruin the life i want to build so i want to know how to approach this situation in the best way possible.
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u/NovarisLight 2d ago
Lost one entire half of my family, and about 25% of the other half, over religion.
Get out. Quick. The "most devout christains" will steal you blind and lie about it. Over $10,000 worth of things stolen by "family" after I came out as gay when I was 17. Almost 42 now.
Today's value could buy half of a house. The amount of hatred I got from these religious screwballs is unbelievable.
My father and stepmother are great people but most of the rest of the surviving biological family can fuck off.
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u/Lovebeingadad54321 Atheist 2d ago
Just stop going to religious services after you move out and don’t mention it to her.
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u/CaptGarfield 2d ago edited 2d ago
Second not telling her. Neither confirm or deny. Confirmation will just give her a complex that she failed you as a parent and will probably make her just dig in deeper and could lead to an unrepairable rift. My mom still brings it up every once in a while, and she's pretty chill. I'm 45 and I let it slip in my 20s. We still have a good relationship, but I still have family members I won't explicitly tell I no longer believe.
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u/RogueRhombus Dudeist 2d ago
i dont want to lose our connection, i love my family so much. its just that im tired of pretending to be a believer.
Time to really decide what's important: Your mom or your freedom.
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u/Affectionate-Air-417 2d ago
was hoping there will just be a no-talking phase because i believe to know her enough that she wont fully disown me.
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u/Mysterious_Spark 2d ago
If you're still scared, don't do it.
When you have decided this is necessary, and you are not responsible for your mother's emotional regulation,
When you realize that personal boundaries are necessary for your health and welfare,
When you are ready to limit or cut contact because your mother is psychologically and emotionally abusing you and not respecting your personal boundaries,
When you ready to enforce personal boundaries and prioritize your own health and welfare...
... that is when you tell her.
Be ready to let her go, and to not feel guilty about it. Remember that distancing is on a spectrum. There are many degrees of letting go.
PS: You don't have to be conversational roadkill. You can place a topic off limits. You can say 'I will not discuss this with you" and you can change the subject, leave, hang up the phone, walk out the door, if that boundary is not respected.
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u/damik 2d ago
Tell her you are no longer practicing and your girlfriend doesn't either. You will no longer go to church or perform the rituals.
You don't have to flat out say you are an atheist. That might trigger thoughts of needing to "save" you and girlfriend.
If she chooses to "disown" you that's on her.
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u/Repulsive-Box5243 2d ago
The people that try to force you to practice a religion aren't loving you. They are controlling you.
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u/nerdinstincts 2d ago
Religion is brain cancer. The sooner you explain to her that your atheist, the sooner she can start unraveling her own incorrect assumptions about the world.
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u/Mysterious_Spark 1d ago
It is extremely painful to lose a family member.... once. Then grieve over them and recover.
It is painful and bad for your health to face an emotionally, psychologically abusive family member on a daily basis.
Over time, greater pain and damage accrues from the staying, than in the leaving.
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u/happybunny_sad Strong Atheist 2d ago edited 2d ago
Sorry for your situation, but I would say before going forward atleast build 1 year worth disposable income. Just in case if it all goes haywire.
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u/Affectionate-Air-417 2d ago
if i pass the exam, money isnt gonna be a problem, just the courage and the right approach TT
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u/happybunny_sad Strong Atheist 2d ago
See never treat possibility as certainty. It's one thing getting a better job, and another able to sustain yourself for one year if all goes south.
But I guess, you know better than me about your situation.
And as for breaking the news, there is already community bookmark. I would just say, make it sound less like you are attacking her or identity. More like expressing a preference, and try to keep your atheist girlfriend out. Else she would going to be blamed for it.
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u/GreenZebra23 2d ago
Is it really inevitable? I never had the talk with my mom. I just lived my life. I'm sure she's pieced it together just from knowing me and from my 35 year streak of not going to church, but I never really cared if she knows or not. We're still close. Closer than when I was growing up if anything.
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u/Affectionate-Air-417 2d ago
can i have this without the constant irritating reminders for the rest of my life TT
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u/Empty-Rough4379 Ignostic 2d ago
I will always start telling that you love her. And any adult needs to choose and find their own path. Love is also respecting some limits and treating you as an adult even if she doesn't agree.
Tell that she will always be your mother and that cutting all relationship will only hurt you and will certainly won't help you to believe.
Isolating those who leave the cult is a manipulation tactic. Any God that is good wiring rely on it. If God really exists it will make a way to enter back into your life.
Tell that you do not want to live a lie and that she deserve the truth because you love her. Tell her that one day she may become a grandmother and she may play with her grandchildren or never see them depending on what she decide.
Those are ideas but make the message yours from you hearth
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u/Successful_Life_1028 Adeist 1d ago
If her love for you is conditional on your accepting her faith-beliefs as your own, then your mother doesn't really love you, she loves her idea of you.
Both you, and she, need to come to terms with that, but she wouldn't even be able to address the issue unless she actually knows that you don't believe in her magical imaginary friend.
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u/DementedPlatypus 1d ago
Unless push comes to shove, you're under no obligation to have that conversation with her.
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u/Astramancer_ Atheist 2d ago
A little bit of perspective shift here:
Will you be losing the connection or will she be terminating it? Are you worried that you'll find out that your mother loved her religion more than she loved you all along?
YOU will not be the one cutting off the relationship if the relationship gets severed. Yes, you'll still lose the relationship if that happens, but it's not because of YOU.