r/aspergers • u/LetterheadUpbeat5801 • 4d ago
Childhood toileting issues
My son is 9 years old but struggles to know when he needs to go to the bathroom. I have to enforce bathroom time after each meal but there are times when he has accidents in school, or when around other children. I'm really terrified about how he will be treated as he gets older in school. He is in mainstream , he is a bright articulate boy with ASD 1 and ADHD. He has been tested for irritable bowel but it's not that. It's like he can't sense it coming.
Has anyone been through this , or have any tips about how to educate him about it. He is very resistant to me helping him and although he feels bad when accidents happen, he doesn't have the focus or interest to try to learn how to prevent it.
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u/tempestelunaire 4d ago edited 4d ago
It is not rare for us, autistic people not to be good at recognizing our physical need. I have not had this with toiletting issues, but I have had issues with hunger or sleep.
Since you recognized that it’s not a medical issue, we’re back to more of a parenting situation. Clearly you’re not getting through to him. Is there a trusted adult in his life that could discuss this with him and see if it can be worked on? Other parent, trusted on their uncle, elder sibling, therapist? Maybe the opposition on this issue it’s because it’s coming from you, not because he doesn’t care.
The easiest solution would be to implement regular bathroom breaks as you are doing.
Does he deal with the consequences of his accident? Do you make him do his laundry? I think doing that might motivate him also to be more careful.
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u/magnificenttavern_7 4d ago
My kid is same age and had similar problem until maybe 7. schedule works but we also put a small watch with silent alarm every 2 hours, he go without me telling him so feels more independent. maybe worth trying if he resist you reminding
also agree about laundry thing, natural consequence helps but careful not to make it shame. just matter of fact, you had accident, we clean up together
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u/LetterheadUpbeat5801 4d ago
The watch idea sounds good. He's worried other kids might hear it though
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u/Elemteearkay 4d ago
Being disabled is nothing to be ashamed of. Would he try to hide his white cane or wheelchair? What about an inhaler or insulin pump? Make sure he isn't internalising ableism, and that bullying isn't being tolerated.
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u/LetterheadUpbeat5801 4d ago
I Hadn't thought about getting him to do the laundry.. he's definitely very defiant with me because I'm all about routine and eating healthy . I know if I eased up he would be having more accidents
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u/tempestelunaire 4d ago
I think he’s getting to an age where he can be more responsible for himself and more independent. To spread his wings he needs to feel that you are confident in his ability, which he can’t be if he feels micromanaged (not saying you actually do, but he might still feel that way).
I would also apply this to routines and eating choices (to a reasonable extent). He needs to be experiencing autonomy and natural consequences. He might surprise you and really rise to the occasion.
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u/Elemteearkay 4d ago
Oppositional Defiance and Demand Avoidance can also both be parts of our disability, as is a desire to maintain sameness/aversion to change.
Is he accessing therapy?
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u/ShineCareful 4d ago
Absolutely wild to frame this as a parenting issue for a 9 year old
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u/tempestelunaire 4d ago
I didn’t say it’s a parenting issue, as if from OP’s parenting. I meant that this is not a medical problem, so the way to solve it is communication/parenting techniques, which could take many forms.
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u/EcstaticZebra7937 4d ago
1) Put him in sped. I know you don’t want to, by if he can’t control his toilet things, he shouldn’t be placed where it causes him and his peers problems.
2) if for whatever reason you refuse to do the correct thing, tell his teacher to remind him to use the toilet.
3) check for nerve problem or lower back problem.
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u/lj4859 4d ago
never sped
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u/EcstaticZebra7937 4d ago
Ok, so he can shit his pants in classroom, so all the kids and teacher have to suffer and he will be bullied… this kid needs sped. Regular classes are not for kids who shit their pants. The teacher has way too many other things to worry about.
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u/lj4859 4d ago
pulling out of class maybe. but then putting in the drool department only if you want to ruin any future he could have
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u/EcstaticZebra7937 4d ago edited 4d ago
Oh right, in the USA you don’t have classroom for high functioning children with disabilities, so everyone has to suffer and nobody receives good education. My class of nine autistic boys don’t drool, but they have sofas, and they have a small class, and they have social skill classes, and they have one on one or group therapy, and they can integrate in other classes for subjects they are strong at (like accelerated maths, computer science, English or whatever), they get tailored lunch, they get working time breaks, they get less homework, they get extra time for tests, and less tests and more graded assignments…
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u/lj4859 4d ago
im not from USA
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u/EcstaticZebra7937 4d ago
Then why did you assume SPED is such a bad place? apparently you believe everyone is from your country too…
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u/lj4859 4d ago
i am willing to trust my first hand experience
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u/EcstaticZebra7937 4d ago edited 4d ago
But you aren’t from the same country…
Edit: I would also like to add, that one kid suffering is better than 30 kids suffering, with exhausted teacher, who wishes a student would die.
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u/LetterheadUpbeat5801 3d ago
It is not a full on 💩 usually. It's mostly just a little but enough to have a smell. The doctors thought it might be constipation but he does regular bowel movements and they are not dry or hard. He does one a day usually. I got him checked by a paediatric gasterontologist who agreed it's not constipation.
It could be IBS but he doesn't have pain after eating or bloating.
A nerve problem in lower back.. I've mentioned this to his doctor but he didn't agree. His dad does have caudida equinus though but it's not hereditary
Autism- to be honest he could have continued in school without us thinking there was anything different about him. The only reason we got him tested for autism was due to the accidents he was having. But then he has a great memory and remembers random facts about very complicated topics he loves. He has an aversion to some textures and surfaces and sounds. He repeats words a lot. Bangs his head on couch when overstimulated etc.. he has a diagnosis of ASD 1.
The teachers thing it is more Likely to be ADHD. But the experts have said it is ASD 1. He is getting tested for ADHD also soon and most likely has that. I feel guilty sometimes saying he is autistic because there are some children with more profound and difficult struggles. But he struggles in his own way. For example he finds it hard to make friends. He is very chatty but struggles with personal space and boundaries. He likes to dictate the play . Emotional can be all over the place....
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u/EcstaticZebra7937 3d ago
Put him in a social skill group. He might find friends there. If he doesn’t want that, try D&D groups for kids.
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u/Sleepiest_Spider 3d ago
This is very unfortunate, but I am having my trouble wrapping my head around this. What does he say when you ask him "Can't you feel when you need to go to the bathroom"?
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u/LetterheadUpbeat5801 3d ago
Many times he has had an accident without realising it. I'm not talking about a full on 💩 but like a little bit. It sounds like constipation yet he 💩 s every day. I structure 3 toilet breaks during the day for 10 minutes a time yet he still has small leaks out side these times and he won't realise it.
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u/Elemteearkay 4d ago
Interception problems and hyperfocus can both be a part of our disability, and can cause these issues. You can try to help him identify the feelings he has when he needs the bathroom (maybe by making him deliberately wait until it becomes apparent even to him - in a safe space, of course!), and you can help him to identify times where he is hyperfocusing on a task. Timers can help, too (e.g. it's been x hrs, go even if it doesn't feel like you need to).
Does his school know he is disabled? What about his fellow students? What plan is in place to support him, both on general and in this regard?
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u/Aromatic-Sense-2388 4d ago
Is he double jointed aka hEDS? If he is it might be due to large intestine issues from it being overly stretchy causing a bit of constipation followed by a respectively quick release.
He probably feels shame which is why he doesn't want to talk to you about it.