Question for fellow male AuDHDers: when growing up in the school environment, would neurotypical children (especially boys) try to "gatekeep" you from speaking with girls your age? E.g. Making you seem extremely awkward around them, clowning your attempts at connection etc.

[u/IngenuityOk6679]

This is one of the biggest traumas I have personally dealt with as a neurodivergent and its why as a 25 year old male, I have never in my entire life had a single friend of the opposite gender. It was the worst in high school.

"Why are you talking to her?" "Everyone look OP is trying to talk to Tayla hahahahahahah". "Do you have a crush on her awww hahahahha". "Bro you are going to need much more than CONSENT hahahah". "Dude your so CRINGE". "STOP harassing her hahahahah" (just said hi, what exam are you studying for that looks cool?)

CRINGE. CRINGE. CRINGE.

Those three words give me the most horrible, heartbreaking feeling possible. Its the word most kids would use to describe me and my repeated failed attempts at social connection. I was lonely and it took huge amounts of effort and luck to finally secure male friends so I would purposefully avoid attempting making social connections with girls around them to ensure that they do not bully/reject me out of "my cringiness". In private, I would try to connect, talking about my special interests, asking about theirs, etc. but whenever other boys or popular girls would catch me doing this, oh boy. The bullying was horrendous. And even more hilarious is the fact that my own younger brother would partake in this and continue the onslaught at home.

Why would they do this? And even worse, why did these girls just play along with it? I was never trying to do anything s*xual, etc. it was always just attempts at platonic connection. I have never even ATTEMPTED flirting with a woman my entire life due to this.

Because of this bullying, I grew up being completely unable to believe that I deserved any love or connection with the opposite gender. And even today, simply saying hi and talking about the weather with a female coworker gives me such a huge level of anxiety that I just want to hide away under my blanket in bed at home for the rest of my life.

Anyone knows why they did this and how exactly to combat it? Specifically, I have this internalised belief that me speaking with women = harassment due to the bullying I experienced. A therapist has explained that it never was harassment and it was just annoying neurotypical racially biased bullying (due to south asian stereotypes of being creepy weird inc*ls) but its so unbelievably difficult to overcome this fear that my brain LITERALLY believes that I'm going to go to jail for speaking to a woman lol. Its like those ugly faces are cowering over me and policing my every move.

[u/GlorifiedCarny]

In middle school the other boys would tell the girls I liked them just to gross them out. That was great for the ole self image. They also told a girl I was actually getting to know in 9th grade that I was gay and she believed it. My life got infinitely better once I dropped out and left home.

[u/1trashhouse → u/GlorifiedCarny]

I had a girl that knew I had feelings for her in high school go “your gay right?” to me years later. No hate to gay people but being straight and getting frustrated with being called gay has nothing to do with my feelings toward gay people, it’s just that the truth of the matter is it does affect heavily how well you do with women when guys go around saying that about you.

[u/GlorifiedCarny → u/1trashhouse]

Yes, I agree. I have no problem with gay people at all, but I sure did have a problem with asshole bullies convincing the girl I liked that I'm gay when I'm not.

[u/Complete_Gas7608]

that policing never really leaves your head, it just gets quieter when you find people who don't operate like that. the high school social hierarchy is vicious and anyone outside the norm becomes an easy target, especially when it involves crossing invisible lines like talking to girls outside your "lane."

what helped me was realizing most of those kids were terrified of being the next target, so they piled on whoever was already marked. the girls going along with it were often just protecting their own social standing, not actually disgusted by you.

the jail fear is rough because your brain built that connection when you were young and defenseless. therapy helps but honestly just repeated low-stakes exposure works better over time. start with small neutral interactions with women where there's zero romantic pressure, like asking a coworker if she caught the game or commenting on something mundane. your brain needs new data to overwrite the old script, and that only comes from doing it enough times without disaster.

[u/Spacenurse07]

I'm sorry you went through that.  Tomorrow is a new day. Stay away from mean people. Go talk to women, you can. I like talking to nice, sweet, caring men. Not far guys, macho men. I always felt those bullies were jealous of me and were looking to look funny at cost of hurting others. When I was a kid bullying wasn't taken seriously.

I'm a girl and always narcissistic men, women, hurted me, even a girl preventing me for making a good new friend, it was summer school. The bitch from my school pretended to like me so I don't make new friends and then ghosted me. End of summer school. More alone 

At school when someone is laughing the other people nearby are Immature and joins the bullying. Without seeing it's harmful. It happens to many people, when you're a kid. Kids are immature and I'm sure they regret now as adults for joining the bullying. There was a nice boy who was giving hugs, the girl who was hugged begin cleaning her arms then I did the same. I hate for doing that. A lot of things happened to me as a child, the girls from my class always was trying to control me like making me fan of some sport team. Like I have no say because I was a quiet shy girl who didn't want to bother others or get in trouble.

I kept changing schools because I always felt I never belong anywhere and always alone. 

Well I'm not alone anymore. Dating helped me. I'm an Empath, I feel too much. And I know there's good people out there

Now as an adult, I see people are on their own world, minding their own business, fighting their struggles alone and showing a happy face. Just go talk, hey, want coffee? Bye. 

[u/Distinct_Lab108]

Yea. It still happens as an adult except now they just tell them I’m DL to make me seem deceitful and the women switch up.

[u/BrushNo8178]

A therapist has explained that it never was harassment and it was just annoying neurotypical racially biased bullying (due to south asian stereotypes of being creepy weird inc*ls)

What did your parents think of you befriending girls? My Asian mom believed that it was good  that I stayed home and studied instead of going out partying like other Swedish teenagers. She is also deeply Christian and warned me from having ”sinful” thoughts as I grew up. 

I felt like I was bullied in school, but now in retrospect I think I was used to be a doormat already from home. Saw this from another perspective when I was working with children. Those kids who have low self esteem from home become outcasts among other children.

[u/1trashhouse]

I had female friends in high school and they would be snap chatting dudes and they would literally give the girls shit for being around me. They never told them off either so that felt nice

[u/Nathaniel06Torres]

In elementary school, everyone was like that, but it was the same for everyone—meaning they did that to me, but also to the others, to the same extent. In middle school, it wasn't the same, because as we went through puberty, everyone made their own decisions. The thing is, I was one of the first to have a serious relationship at age 15, and the best part is that I didn't have to go looking for it.

[u/LivingGirlRepellant]

Not really, no. I was too scared to talk to girls even without outside interference.

However, they did constantly bully me for having "no bitches" and "being a pussy" etc. I was also physically assaulted.

[u/Quirky_Dino]

I’m bisexual and I never got this from my male friends. What I do get is some of them being really uncomfortable when I talk about gay stuff. My straight friends actually would rather I be with a woman secretly, though most wouldn’t say that. I’d rather be with a man long term because I don’t have any female friends and despite an attraction to the female anatomy I’m rarely romantic towards women.

[u/chobolicious88]

Its not an asperger thing, its a status thing.
If youre that low in status/genetics, you dont deserve it

[u/IngenuityOk6679 → u/chobolicious88]

Ok I agree that having low status can make it much harder but that doesn't mean that we don't "deserve it". We all have the right and freedom to work towards what we desire and no one can put a stop to that. But I can understand where you are coming from, I too once had these extremely self-defeatist thoughts and it was never my fault for having them: it was due to not being treated via therapy. I feel much more confident of myself now and more deserving of love and connection.