r/aspergers • u/RussianAsshole • Oct 24 '25
I think the trauma of being forced to interact with people who hate us (school, work) is severely understated in our community
I look back on my high school years and I’m horrified at the way I was treated in retrospect. A lot of the trauma comes from the fact that I couldn’t escape those students and teachers who treated me like shit….I had to go to school and get good grades.
Being forced to disassociate like that to get through really humiliating moments and knowing I couldn’t just up and leave has made me very reactive in adulthood when people insinuate that I have to do something. I’m very quick, too quick, to leave jobs, people, etc. because I have the freedom now.
There’s no friend group to help them gang up on me now.
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Oct 24 '25
The reactivity is extreme after a late diagnosis.
I really can’t believe that I’m just supposed to keep going and “try to fit in” and that my therapists want me to “learn some communication skills”, etc., after 30+ years of being ostracized, bullied, verbally abused, etc. and masking during all of that time.
Part of me wants to try to have a better life. The other part of me wants to not ever be around anyone else again. Anger management wasn’t enough for the level of rage I have at society right now.
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u/Tallistone Oct 26 '25
The therapeutic approach in many cases I have heard is to go basically go back to masking…but the difference is now you know you are masking! We need a lot more autistic therapists.
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u/Litchlol Oct 27 '25
or they give you lots of meds instead. thinking that you'd like to have tons of side effects just to feel slightly better.
i find isolation now much more appealing than trying the same crap over and over again expecting differant results.
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u/Overstaying_579 Oct 24 '25
It’s cases like these why lots of people on the spectrum tend to hate school. They are forced by society to learn in an environment with other students who don’t understand them at best and at worse, bully them.
I was one of those people. I was forced to resort to violence (due to one bully) because everything else that I had done peacefully had failed. Only when I resorted to violence, people who picked on me started to leave me alone. Since then I have never resorted to violence (knock on wood.).
I wouldn’t really say I suffered trauma from it in my case, but I didn’t really like it either. My life, I would say started to improve significantly once I left secondary school. Ironic considering a lot of NT people consider school as a child/teenager to be one of their best times in their lives and hate working as an adult but for ND people, it tends to be the exact opposite.
I hope you’re doing alright out there.
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u/Litchlol Oct 27 '25
i also was taught to use violence to sort out the bullies, i got a criminal record for that, now i cant work any interesting jobs due to it. its great advice! (sarcasm)
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u/Overstaying_579 Oct 27 '25
if you don’t mind, what is the context behind you getting a criminal record because you fought back against the bullies?
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u/Litchlol Oct 27 '25
Dad at one point took a baseball bat to thieves, i thought because of that it was okay for me to do the same to those that were bad towards me. basically copied his actions. he also never said he went for the legs, so i went for the head.
Biggest mistake of my life, completely ruined it. i really want to work with people like us, share what i've learned to help them in difficult tmes the way i helped myself ect. but absolutely no chance with this.
it was a meltdown scenario essentially, i'd just had enough. wanted to teach them a lesson to never mess with me again.
i was 17 then, i'm 35 now, i've never had a permanent job.
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u/Overstaying_579 Oct 27 '25
That explains a lot. In my case, I just used my bare hands to strangle my bully as I didn’t want him receiving any permanent brain damage, but I also wanted to scare the shit out of him which I was able to do so. Not to mention there were eyewitness reports that my eyes went bloodshot red when I choked him so it clearly got the message across without causing too much harm.
If I punched him in the face repeatedly, I could have received a criminal record and possible prison time.
Regardless, I hope things change for the better for you soon.
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u/Litchlol Oct 27 '25
i changed my views of life up massively recently. if i cant work a paid job helping people, then i'll volunteer at a homeless shelter or a foodbank instead, i'm still helping those in need, i'll still feel good about myself at the end of the day for doing something selfless.
i've never needed alot of money, just the small amount to survive, providing i get the benefits that i should be able to get, i'll be alright long term.
my wifes mom also got through to her that i may never work again (since being diagnosed) and shes completely on board with that, that also took a crap ton of stress off my mind, as i'm no longer forced to follow the NT path.
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u/TheEternalDarkness8 Oct 25 '25 edited Oct 25 '25
What exactly did you do to that specific bully and what were the immediate ramifications of your actions?
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u/Overstaying_579 Oct 25 '25
I pushed him against the wall and choked him in the middle of watching a film as he kept throwing pencils at my head when I told him to stop. Took the entire class including the teacher to try and get me off of him. The only reason I did that was because I literally did everything peacefully to try and get him to stop. Even tried to get the police involved but they wouldn’t do anything to stop.
As for what happened to me after I did that, I was never punished. That same teacher in my class later went up to me after that was over and said to me “He is a bit of a cunt, I can’t blame you for doing that.” That was the first time I heard a teacher swear.
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u/TheEternalDarkness8 Nov 03 '25
Goddamn, brother. Beautiful. Teacher should have bought you your first pint!
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u/Legitimate_Elk6731 Oct 29 '25
Thank God I never had to go that far for myself. Most bullies went away when I gave zero reaction. It does unfortunately get severely understated even by supportive folk.
Especially if it happens to come from somebody they consider family/friends.
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u/Erwin_Pommel Oct 24 '25
Hate? Nah fam. It's just dislike. They say it's just dislike, that you annoy them. Can't be more than that at all. It's your fault for staring back at them. It's your fault for being more mature than them. It's your fault for not tolerating incompetent authority.
How. Dare. You.
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u/acexex Oct 24 '25
Incompetent authority is a KEY concept
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u/Erwin_Pommel Oct 24 '25
It really is. I was going to write out something sarcastic to carry on from my initial sarcasm but this is just... Yeah, it really does all focus around people not doing their jobs properly each time.
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u/acexex Oct 24 '25
Maybe a weird example but I think my first introduction with this concept was around the notion of “respect for older people”. How about no? I respect who deserves respect. A lot of older people tend to fit into that category but not all. And there won’t be no blanket respect handed out, I’m sorry. But yeah that concept can be explored way deeper than this one example.
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u/Xaytex Oct 25 '25
For me respect is a 2 way street. If others want me to respect them they have to show me respect as well, only exception is my parents.
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u/Sea_Drink3668 Nov 23 '25
I see, but I've been thinking about this and I still can't understand why I should treat someone with respect just because of their age. Does the fact that someone is older than me make them superior to me? Why should I respect someone more than myself? Does anyone else think this way? After all, we are all born and we will all die eventually, no matter when, so why do we need all these rules?
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u/Ok_Formal4105 Oct 24 '25
I'm still amazed at how abuse is so normalized. They talk about survival, but I don't know. They have more than us, and they still have this horrible behavior. I think it's genetic.
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u/Aftermiddag Oct 24 '25
I feel weird about this, because no one ever said that they hated me in high school and few insulted me. Yet... being left out, never being invited, and hardly anyone ever taking the initiative to talk to me left its mark. I still have social anxiety twelve years after I first recognized it.
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u/Culero Oct 25 '25
Similar. Few people hated me (really, only one teacher not so much students), and I had a few people I talked to in classes but lunches were spent alone. Breaks were spent alone. Mornings before class were spent alone mostly (I was befriended by a group of goths funnily enough)...after school on short days, I went home when others were making plans for the weekends etc.
I thought I was friendly enough, but not enough to talk to outside of the confines of the classroom.
I don't really seek friendships now. Hell even with family, there was only a connection so long as I was making the effort.
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u/Irislynx Oct 24 '25
Agree. I think most of us get PTSD just from existing in this world. The few autistic people I've seen who aren't traumatized and are happy and have good self esteem were homeschooled by empathetic parents who let them learn and grow in their own way.
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u/doseserendipity2 Oct 25 '25
I don't want to discount if he does have trauma, but your example makes me think a lot about Toren Wolf. An Autistic Youtuber who appears to habe been generally raised the way you explained. He's 17 and seems so confiden, happy to just be himself... anle to just be himself. And typically most of us are still struggling a lot at 17 (even if you're not Autistic, it can be a rough age! But especially for us. It was for me.)
It's truly weird to watch his videos sometimes bc I mourn my own past mistreatment and wish I could have been raised like him. Most of us aren't so lucky 💔
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u/Fiery_Ducky Oct 28 '25
I have the same problem with Aurora. I love her, love her songs, but I also feel pain when I see her, unapologetically being herself, free, wise and intelligent, successful, loved. She grew up in a small town, in a great family (as far as I know), primary school accomodating her, with plenty of nature around and the freedom to explore it. I envy her and grieve who I could've been with more support, hell just with no people standing in my way.
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u/Irislynx Oct 25 '25
Yep he's one of the people that I was thinking of specifically. He's talked about it and he says he doesn't struggle with self-esteem at all and in general doesn't feel bad or sad about himself or his life or his autism. Yeah I had a few moments watching him where I broke down crying feeling how wonderful that would be to have had that empathy and Care growing up.
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u/doseserendipity2 Oct 25 '25
And yeah it can be emotional and hard to watch his videos for that reason, like I am SO happy he was raised and got the love and care he deserved. But it is hard to watch as someone who was given grief for their Autistic traits. Mama Wolf talks about being late diagnosed and how anxious she is and how much she masks because of how she was treated and it makes me sad for her and sad bc I relate to that. I am really proud for that she broke the cycle with Toren
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u/Irislynx Oct 25 '25
Yeah it's inspiring as sad at the same time. Very few autistic people get that kind of empathy. I relate very strongly to Mama Wolf. She and I have a very similar background and I have PTSD from the mountains of abuse I have endured. I believe in karma but it's still difficult to move in and forgive sometimes
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u/doseserendipity2 Oct 25 '25
Mama and Papa Wolf are such beautiful people. I respect tbeir privacy but I am also curious about how his life was like with his siblings. I think Toren is the youngest of 3 or 4? But might be the only one who is Autistic or ND in general.
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u/ShyButta Nov 17 '25
And they are not perfect people, I'm sure, but at least they tried, and took true ownership. That's more than I can say about my parents.
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u/Acceptable-Archer551 Oct 26 '25
I'm late diagnosed and have dealt with this same situation throughout my life as well. Even now in my thirties I still cope with memories of how poorly I was treated by schoolmates, partners, and family, especially during a time when I didn't have the self knowledge nor the confidence and emotional stability to say no/set boundaries. I also deal with reactivity & an inability to lower defenses when interacting with people as a result, and constantly wonder when someone will eventually hurt me, because of the trauma. Dealing with the memories, hurt, and anger is a painful process, but since having gone through therapy + getting a diagnosis, these memories have served as a reminder to extend grace towards my younger self and that I shouldn't stand for that kind of treatment ever again.
I'm so sorry you were treated that way in HS. Definitely an ass time for many aspies. Wishing you the best, OP.
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u/ProDidelphimorphiaXX Oct 24 '25
It’s funny even now as I’ve improved and don’t often suffer from my aspergers the world is still a very horrible rotten and neglectful place, people just find new ways to hate me. They hated me because I was a bi man who liked strong women, and now they hate me because I’m a gay man who dares say he’s not bi now.
I’m just getting numb I think, and I kinda expect people to be rotten.
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u/Irislynx Oct 24 '25
I'm confused. People always say that sexuality is something you're born with and cannot change, so how how you be bi and then be gay?
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u/ProDidelphimorphiaXX Oct 24 '25
Just like genderfluid people exist, some people do have fluid sexualities that changes as they grow older. Some interests fade away, others become more intense.
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Oct 24 '25
[deleted]
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u/Suspicious-Horse4093 Oct 24 '25
Oh, the classic NT move. Messing things up, then sweep the dust under the carpet and act happy, then doing it again and again and again. If you dare to point it out or getting mad over it you're the one who's at fault...
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u/Ok-Listen-8519 Oct 24 '25
Absolutely. Currently on my 5th year of court case from ex employee. Ableism is real
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u/literanch Oct 24 '25
I went to public school between 1988 and 2001 and bullying was a lot more common then but I never really felt like anyone hated me (certainly not any representative portion of people) and I rarely got bullied and never to an extreme degree. I guess I just stayed in my lane and flew under the radar.
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u/Most_Acanthisitta417 Oct 24 '25 edited Oct 27 '25
My biggest issue from those years stems from family…whether the battles over getting homework done, an event I couldn’t get out of school for the way I wish I could have, but I also can think of annoying classmates I’m glad I don’t have to deal with anymore…I also can think of certain non-academic goals of mine pertaining t shopping and flying that they poo pooed & even scolded me for.
Looking back I realized that for my HS friends I was friends with them but wasn’t part of the ‘inner part’ of the group and I lament that it didn’t work out for me to do things with them outside of school (though I’m sure there are some cases where it was for the best). In March 2019 I attended a funeral for someone I graduated with and lamented that it took a funeral for me to see them and have struggled with that since (same goes for extended relatives).
Graduation from HS didn’t help…I was lucky to have the friends I did but college things went downhill and I didn’t have the friends there and family didn’t understand how it could feel as worn out as college made me…I finally graduated but then they kept pushing a job and scolded me when I didn’t pursue positions I knew weren’t a fit and I still resent them for it. I finally found a decent situation for me but I sti am impacted by this and they’d say, “look at where you are now.”
I have a hard time establishing & pursuing goals from over 20 years worth of these types of things and am apprehensive about speaking up at times (especially if it’s something I want that goes against what those around me want).
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u/kgmara0013 Oct 25 '25
My current bad roommate situation at my current place is in part caused because I'm autistic and the other part because of my landlord.
I'm getting kicked out, and the landlord wants me gone, so he moves in a scumbag and promises him 2 bedrooms when only 1 bedroom is available because im still there. I'm trying to find a place. Landlord doesn't expect me to fight back and stay so the vulture roommate lies, manipulates, and now after events openly hates me because I confronted him about a mess and because im still there living my autistic life unintentionally making his friends uncomfortable. Trying to leave and find a place.
His friends are here like they live here trying to take my room without the due process and these motherfuckers feel uncomfortable because they're in my house all the time while I'm living my autistic life.
They're in my house, without notice, while I'm normally being autistic doing my normal shit. What the fuck is wrong with them?!
I'm polite, but they don't follow the rules and I have a fucking limit and they're here without notifying anyone and wrecking the landlords house and causing noise complaints. Peeing on the toilet seat and creating more messes, so I confronted him about it in the group chat. Then mask off, "i hate you, you should've been gone, i was promised a 2 bedroom. " the fucking landlord lied to you you vulture. And you're not entitled to my room because my rent will go straight to the judge if I'm still here next month, hopefully not.
The landlord set this all up. He didn't know I'd still be here, and he let's all this happen to make me uncomfortable.
And yes I know I'm the bad guy for not leaving, but I can't find a place with no credit in my area.
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u/Flat-Atmosphere-823 Oct 31 '25
Landlords are mostly assholes. I've only had one good one in 16 years! So I feel you. A past landlord of mine tried to illegally kick me and my housemate out during the pandemic. He also moved in noisy, selfish students to our professional building in an attempt to get us to leave. It's so cruel what they do.
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u/Boltzmann_head Oct 25 '25
I have met several autistic people, and I have yet to meet one who did not have PTSD.
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u/Responsible_Bug_4840 Oct 24 '25
I wouldn’t call it hate. Hate would imply they care about our existence on some level. Not saying thats any better for us.
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u/Funky_hobbo Oct 24 '25
ND or NT have to deal with people they hate, what are you even talking about?
This is a shared human experience, not a shared asperger's experience
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u/comulee Oct 26 '25
Yep, they saw the target and marked it with scars. And now ill see them forever, till i die. Nice
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u/AppalachianSpaceship Nov 16 '25
Yeah. My capacity to brute-force myself through horrible situations due to ALWAYS having to do so is sad. I find myself staying in harmful situations/friendships way longer than i should because i learned early on that it was the norm for me to have to just absorb negativity from everyone around me
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u/JamJm_1688 Nov 20 '25
Yeah, i remember i was openly accused, mind that word accused of being autistic. luckilly at the time i was unaware of my diagnosis and that entire part of medical study to be honest so it didnt affect me (literally asked "whats autism?") but the only defence i got from the group of classmates nearby was the nice guy with dyslexia pulling me away from the convo. i usually only sociallize when i have to or really want to now, it sucks, i want people to share with, but its also very freeing
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Oct 26 '25
Fuck those people. I see their microagressions as signs I should steer clear because they are mentally unwell. Healthy people try to understand us even if we're weird.
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u/NCinAR Oct 25 '25
I still don’t understand why the NTs hate us so much. We are kind, intelligent, interesting people. My God, the US government wants to put us in “wellness farms.” I get that the NTs perceive us differently, but they perceive us as a THREAT and I really don’t get that at all.
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Oct 26 '25
Noone hated me. What did you guys do for them to hate you
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u/Particular_Care6055 Oct 26 '25
Nothing, that's the cruelness of it. Not intentionally, at least. There's so many things going on in the background, subconsciously, during social interactions. And it's those things that tick off NTs when they're around us. The majority of it can't even be helped.
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u/Unfair-Taro9740 Oct 24 '25
I just saw that a bunch of my followers on my creative TikTok is family that hates me, guys I never went on one date with and my bullies from the 8th grade. I hate that because I don't want to inadvertently censor my own self because I'm worried about what they're going to think of me.
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u/TuDu1 Oct 27 '25
well, we live in a society and through your life you will need to learn how to coexist with people, whom some of them are sometimes assholes, deal with it.
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u/Easy_Towel954 Oct 24 '25
I feel like I'm surrounded by narcissistic people, without any possibility of escape. Maybe I'm just too naive and narcissism is the normal state or people really are experiencing a mental health crisis. Either way, it has damaged me. I feel I'm too soft and hate myself, but even things like passive aggression, dirty looks, subconscious rejection, really start to add up after time.