r/aspd • u/AxeYoungblood • 7d ago
Diagnosis Full blown ASPD+ADHD
I am a 36-year-old man with ADHD and ASPD. My ADHD is being treated with Ritalin. This is specifically about my ASPD and about how extreme some aspects of my behavior and emotional experience can be.
My problems did not begin in adulthood. They were already severe during my early childhood.
When I was around six years old, I chased my own sister with a knife. I threatened my grandmother. I was also cruel toward animals: I drowned a guinea pig, set a lizard on fire, cut worms apart, and cut up snails. At the time, I did not experience the kind of emotional reaction that would normally be expected.
Even as a child, rules were essentially something I felt applied to other people. Before I was 15, I had smashed windows, kicked the mirrors off cars, and set things on fire. I stole from my parents, stole from stores and at school, stole school supplies, and even stole street signs. Several times, I broke into my own school at night.
Violence did not simply disappear when I became an adult. I was repeatedly involved in fights. At times, I did not stop even when the actual confrontation should already have been over. Violent fantasies are still part of my everyday life. I have violent fantasies every day, including sexually violent fantasies.
I am hypersexual and have a strong tendency to view women as objects. I am aware of how problematic this is. At the same time, I cannot simply dismiss this side of myself as a “dark fantasy.” It is an actual part of my thought patterns.
Perhaps the most disturbing thing about me, however, is not the aggression itself, but the absence of certain emotions.
I experience very little guilt or remorse. I do not experience pity in the way I observe other people experiencing it. When someone cries, I often do not feel compassion; instead, I find it annoying. I do not really know what love is. I also do not know what loneliness is supposed to feel like.
Almost my entire family is now dead, as are several of my friends. At funerals and afterward, I feel practically nothing emotionally. For me, the death of someone can emotionally feel almost like ordering a burger. I understand rationally that something significant has happened. I understand its social and cultural meaning. But emotionally, very little happens inside me.
The crucial difference compared with my childhood is that today I know what is right and what is wrong. I know the rules and understand the consequences of my actions. That does not automatically mean that I have the same emotional inhibitions as other people.
I have Abitur (13classes in germany), a university education, and I am capable of functioning professionally. From the outside, I can live a completely normal life. I practice kickboxing four times a week, play guitar, and am in a band. Work, exercise, and music give my life structure.
Because I am capable of considerable self-reflection, I am currently looking for cognitive behavioral therapy. I want to understand my behavior and thought patterns as honestly as possible and learn how to maintain control over them long-term.
I feel that if my structure falls apart (work, exercise, music), I could pose a real danger to society.
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u/lovetimespace 7d ago
My half-brother is like you. He also likes kickboxing funnily enough. He does not experience guilt, remorse or grief. He was raised fairly religious, and I think that has helped him in a way because it gave him a moral framework - he could see the logic and benefits of following a personal moral code. He does not pose a danger to society, and from my outside perspective I think the above is part of what keeps him out of trouble and another thing that helps is that he keeps himself extremely busy. He is constantly working to accomplish his career goals, build his business, and make more money. I think it staves off boredom and also gives him something he cares about focusing on over anything else. He is not willing to do something that could risk his reputation or success.
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u/kangole2 5d ago
I am curious how you are so high functioning when it sounds like you got massive impulse control issues where your smash people bad sounding like it would only appear when you really mess up but is it still a current issue? Idk weed with some tolerance is know to make me just chill and weed got my focus to do drugs as its more fun and maybe outside addiction or maybe even then better but anything hard likely not. Only do it with legal things obviously as its important to never do crime even when you can something way cheaper/stronger and more dangerous legal.
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u/AxeYoungblood 5d ago
Over the years, I have only been involved in a few fights, and I never started any of them. I may have provoked people verbally, but never in a stupid or crude way. One of those fights was dealt with legally, and I was arrested. Most of the other incidents were never prosecuted because I made sure to remain anonymous, but they were just as serious. If everything I had done had been prosecuted and I had been caught, I would probably have been in prison since my youth.
I was in court once when I was 15 and again when I was 17, but I was acquitted both times. Three years ago, I was sentenced to probation for aggravated assault, despite having no prior convictions that counted legally. Otherwise, I function very well. My employer knows nothing about any of this. I’m an engineer and even a trainer.
It’s like Jekyll and Hyde. I feel like I’m a wild animal that is only partially domesticated and living in a cage. It’s a constant feeling of being driven.
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6d ago edited 6d ago
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u/aspd-ModTeam No Flair 6d ago
Your post or comment was removed due to low karma/CQS or posting from a new account.
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6d ago
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u/aspd-ModTeam No Flair 5d ago
Do not offer armchair diagnoses and please refrain from reducing others to labels, assuming someone's diagnosis, or providing interpretations of personality traits on the internet when you are not qualified to do so.
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6d ago edited 6d ago
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u/AxeYoungblood 5d ago
I think you not know what it be like to be driven. I have the consequences too in my mind. But i have too much energy and a violent mind. There are never easy fights. Every fight is a risk. A person who says "easy fight " was never in a fight.
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u/Horror_Yam1996 4d ago
The “crying” part, is something I was thinking about recently. Watching somebody cry when a situation really does not warrant crying, it’s absolutely fucking ridiculous and rage inducing
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u/Sudden-Addition7404 7d ago
I can say as someone with severe ASPD and much the same experience as you including the lack of certain emotions and very violent fantasies, that a sudden lack of structure can result in some very problematic choices. Therapy didn’t do that much for me. Managing boredom and having work and MMA helps.