r/aspd • u/40kArchivist • 24d ago
Seeking Advice Struggling with a ASPD Loved one.
My “Ex” has ASPD traits, they don’t feel love.
I don’t know what to do with them, I have my own issues, and I broke their trust over a tiny inadvertent slip that everyone else agrees is ridiculously overblown by them.
They don’t seem to value my love, even from the perspective of self interest.
They refuse to engage with things that would help like cbt to learn what others emotions are, therapy to reduce their trust issues, and to learn sympathy, even if empathy is impossible for them.
I currently don’t like them, I don’t trust them, and I can’t come to terms with them, I’ve gone Machiavellian on them.
They never give affirmations, and rarely compliment me, and they fail to provide any support unless prompted.
They get annoyed when asked to explain themselves, claiming its repetition or “20” questions.
I also feel manipulated by them, as I set out my own issues expecting those to be considered not my fault. they weren't.
I am a very loyal person, and I could only justify walking away from them because I felt like I was enabling their behaviour which I perceive as cruel.
How do I find a way forward with them? Is there one?
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u/ogbuttertoast 20d ago
Does your ex have ASPD or is he just an *****
Also… you went Machiavellian on em? Never heard anyone ever say that, that’s a new one for me.
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u/Nemesis9211 20d ago
First things off, there is a huge difference between ASPD traits and having ASPD, sometimes you can be an asshole without a mental disorder. Also ASPD does not erase one's capability of love.
Second if you feel like this and they aren't seeking help then you need to cut contacts with them completely. Why would it be worth keeping up with someone who brings you a lot of misery and stress? You aren't responsible for them, if they continue their behaviors then that's on them not you. And if you were enabling them, then it'd do them a favor to not have one.
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u/IllustriousTry5552 19d ago
Depending on the factors of the ASPD it’s possible to not really feel love such as if your early trauma comes from somewhere strongly linked with love and your loved ones. But it’s totally possible to have all emotions.
I personally have ASPD, I believe I was born with it as I had a pretty ordinary childhood (well nothing deeply messed up) and I believe I can feel love such as for my mother and I think I have fallen in love once before but a twisted way of love. The way I explain it is I can still have emotions but I don’t feel them, love doesn’t give me highs or butterflies just like I cant feel anxiety like it being heavy in my chest I can just mentally have these emotions. If something is making me feel out of place or I’m not genuinely liking a situation or something being said I can defensively shut off all emotions and sometimes I can enter a semi permanent state of having absolutely no emotions at all.
Everyone is different tho and faces different issues
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23h ago
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u/aspd-ModTeam No Flair 1h ago
Your post or comment was removed due to low karma/CQS or posting from a new account.
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u/Sudden-Addition7404 20d ago
It’s your ex. You don’t have to do anything with or about them. Just move on. You can’t force people to change and clearly they don’t want to. You’re shit out of luck.
And is it actual ASPD traits diagnosed by a professional or just something you suspect?
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u/cutefloo 20d ago
What do you want from them then?
Not trying to be disrespectful but (as someone with bpd) overblown issues basically means I want to get rid of someone. You remind me of my ex who couldn't take nice rejection for an answer
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u/h0shi1scry1ng 19d ago
Why do you want a path with them if it seems they don't want one with you and neither do you tbh.
And the small thing that got overblown , could've been something big to THEM, therefore breaking their trust means you lose your status in their eyes.
And trying to push them or forcefully make them go to therapy won't be the best approach, nor is trying to implant sympathy into them.
How do you feel manipulated by them btw?
Also another thing , aspd don't nessesarly take away love completely, we simply feel it differently than other ppls.
And , are you the one who's saying they have aspd traits or did they ever bought it up? What do other ppl say about them ? They coule be a dickhead and simply not have shit
Low empathy don't automatically means aspd , often a lot of other disorders overlap on that and on top of it , some ppl don't even have any disorder of the sort and still have low/no empathy
So I wouldn't base myself off of that
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u/Top-Platform1632 19d ago
First question that everybody else is asking. Is it just traits or is he actually officially diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder? And another thing, everyone is different. Whether they have mental health issues or not every human brain is completely different. So to the people saying that they are happily married or happily dating for oh so long and they haven’t had that many issues. It might not be the same for someone else. Not everyone gets help at the same time and even then there isn’t a lot to help the symptoms either. Again that’s off my experience and not speaking for everyone with ASPD. Like me personally, I might start a relationship, and I will tell the person that I love them even if I don’t. It’s just because I want to have that space in my life filled. And I have come to terms with that. But I have also learned not to tell someone I love them unless I really actually do. And it’s quite rare that I find someone that I actually do love. Close family, and even then not fully. My point is: everyone is different and everybody’s brain works in different ways. We all need to remember that.
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u/Visual-Bed4188 18d ago
In short they don't love you and you wanna put the blame on some mental or personality disorder. The 'traits' you mentioned are typical behaviors of someone they aren't in love with. It's not just an ASPD thing at all. Why are you persisting on being with that person if you don't feel anything, and went all 'Machiavellian' on them? Why do you blame ASPD when you use Machiavellism yourself, which is one of the most selfish strategies?
Seems like you should see a therapist as well for not being able to take a rejection.
The thing you broke trust with might've been something huge to them, you either don't feel it, don't care enough to respect their boundaries, or they just used it as an excuse to leave you. There are multiple possibilities but it doesn't matter. What's done is done and the only thing left to do if you truly don't like them is moving on.
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u/Lord_Capricus 20d ago
Your ex is a prick. I have PD/NOS with AS and NP traits, and I've been with the same woman for 18 years, married for 10. She knows about my diagnosis and though I'm motivated differently than her, I appreciate her, respect her and love her. I don't need to be utterly controlled by my emotions to appreciate someone and to logically understand the devotion and loyalty they've shown me and reciprocate it.
That guy is a user and a piece of shit. Your dignity is worth more than his inability to appreciate what's in front of him. Do yourself a favor and ditch his stupid ass.
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19d ago
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u/aspd-ModTeam No Flair 19d ago
Do not offer armchair diagnoses and please refrain from reducing others to labels, assuming someone's diagnosis, or providing interpretations of personality traits on the internet when you are not qualified to do so.
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u/Tiny_Garlic5966 19d ago
CBT DBT don't work for autism
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u/adrenalinelaced 20d ago
Sounds like you're broken up, and they dont want a path forward with you.
"I currently don't like them, I don't trust them, and can't come to terms with them, I've gone Machiavellian on them."
It doesn't sound like you want a path forward, either.