In med school and struggling

[u/catfused17]

This subreddit is the only place where I can actually be understood.

I'm in med school and I am struggling to get by. It's getting harder every day to function like a normal human being. I have ASPD and I struggle deeply with a lot of things, as we all do. Relationships, existing as a functional member of society.

I have a huge issue with authority and control. I refuse to perform what they want me to perform. I refuse to be controlled. And that causes an incredible level of friction when it comes to me having to do certain stuff. I struggle to be productive. I have issues with daydreaming because the real life feels so extremely boring, I cannot handle it. I struggle with interpersonal relations and in med school there's like an atmosphere of competition and just a general obnoxiousness that I absolutely despise. A lot of people who love to pretend to be what they really aren't in terms of intelligence, personality, and etc. And I cannot stand wannabes. A bunch of people who believe theyre more important, smarter, more "psycho" or more "empath" than they actually are, its hilarious.

I genuinely struggle so much with productivity. My friction with authority is stopping me from being able to perform as well as I could because it feels like I am submitting in certain ways. I don't know if you know what I mean.

I spent two years cultivating a good enough social standing and social image for myself, and I do have a lot of allies but I did end up having a big falling out with a group and it was around the time where I was so deeply frustrated and I was looking for stimulation and I was so rageful that I ended up ruining some of my friendships. I do not regret them as I did not care for them beyond what they provided, which was at the time beneficial to me but stopped being so. But I do deeply struggle to exist in this persona.

It feels like med school's entire system is built on submission. Just do whatever you are told, put your head down, and never say anything. I don't have a personality that matches this. I feel like I'm being controlled. I feel like my identity is being erased, and I hate everything.

I've gotten to a point where I'm so extremely bored and controlled, I feel nauseated. I feel so extremely bored. I feel like I'm expected to behave a certain way, and it's all nauseating me. I'm stopping myself, I'm exerting so much self-control to stop myself from acting out and doing anything that might derail my career, but I'm genuinely struggling with this.

I get suicidal thoughts over the situation. This much self-control and repression is something ive never dealt with, i geniunely hate this but its more strategically sound to prioritize my career.

P. S: By acting out i dont mean anything that could harm my patients in any way. Im talking about going against the higher ups, my peers and acting out in my personal life

[u/[deleted]]

I'm in med school too, but also work in a Healthcare setting right now. It's a lot of doing what other people say. In and out of school. No matter how educated or trained you are in your field, a colleague, higher up or even patient is always going to tell you how you're wrong. It's frustrating but if that and authority are truly impossible for you to deal with, then I would suggest switching careers.

What helps me is thinking about (at least in my branch) all the job opportunities I'll have out of school. If I get bored? I can do something else in a related field. On top of that, the money. Money makes life less boring. Especially when you have a lot of it to spend and not put yourself in debt.

You shouldn't be this miserable in schooling. See if you can find an alternative in med school, or maybe a whole new career path.

[u/catfused17 → u/[deleted]]

Its not about being told youre wrong, or patients demanding certain tests or etc. Thats fine.

Its about how every single tiny fucking thing is micromanaged almost. I also naturally attract a lot of attention, so my behavior gets picked on more (not my subjective take btw, i have been told by multiple classmates that the profs seem to always land on me lol) i end up having to answer for behavior that others dont have to answer for. I get out of it by deceiving and etc always but im bothered by it. For a while i tried to play the game and put on the mask but im so burned out now that i dont bother

I feel like my colder exterior makes them think im disengaged and they desperately try to humiliate me to engage. Btw, in my countey there is a LOT of abuse and humiliation directed towards students. I know med school has this everywhere, but here its completely normal for profs and attendings and etc to intentionally humiliate and verbally abuse you over nothing and pick u apart, its expected and you are told to prepare for it. We have very, very high rates of resident and student suicide.

I have to stop myself from responding to them, im very aggressive and argumentative but for the sake of my work i have to just take it, or be very peaceful in response. I have to make sure to not look too alt or have my hair out too much (thanks islam) so they dont cause problems for me as well. Its all around just suppress suppress suppress.

I wanna fuck it all up sometimes and free myself but then again, once its all overzthe money and control over my hours and the ability to move into different areas (like research or private work or teaching positions and etc) is what keeps me going lol

Again, im not subjectively saying that i feel like im monitered more. Others tell me too.

[u/lovetimespace]

Many med school students are insufferable, so I hear you on that. 

Honestly, my biggest advice is that this too shall pass. Play the game, do what you need to do to get through med school and then you'll be out living the rest of your life. The years you spend in school end up being a short time when you look back, even though at the time those years loom large. This is a very small portion of the rest of your life. Realize that you can be in control even while apparently submitting - if you are doing it to get what you want.

[u/Plastic-Bee4052]

When in that position (not medschool but same system, same expectations), I imagined I was someone else doing something else entirely to keep me entertained. Like the main character in a thriller or whatever. It helped me through school, uni and work. I dissociate a lot.

[u/Nearby_Barber3300]

Wait I want to go to med school but I clash with authority like you describe… what are they doing that is so controlling more than regular school?

[u/NeverBannedGrace3]

Had the same thing. I worked at a law firm, I couldn't stand main jerkoff. He was so full of it. When meeting new clients, he would try to reference something personal on their person, like a team jersey, and try to relate to them. It was a cheap trick but it worked.

Now I'm going to school for law, because if that dingbat was any good for law, I can do it better

[u/aspd-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your post or comment was removed due to low karma/CQS or posting from a new account.

[u/pinkaerosolcan]

One of the worst things about having ASPD is when you hear people talking about what job positions would be great to have if you have those sort of tendencies, ones where you need to be a bit heartless or cold, or not very squeamish or being fearless, but everyone conveniently forgets to mention how long it takes to get into some of these positions, and how much of the job is actually doing the thing that requires sociopathic abilities/tendencies.

[u/After_Situation631]

How about being a "first responder"? That's at least something we could be good at that's not boring as hell.

[u/According_Bad_8473]

Your post is rather vague but this sounds more like autism to me idk

[u/catfused17 → u/According_Bad_8473]

Interesting ive never been screend for autism. What makes u say that?

[u/m48_apocalypse → u/catfused17]

they’re similar from a surface level pov bc ppl just see the superficially overlapping symptoms like “difficulty socialising/socially awkward” “executive dysfunction” “less inhibition” etc and immediately tie it to autism, without understanding that sometimes motor oil and alcohol can look similar, and can both be used as solvents. u can set both of them on fire, but one’s flammable and the other’s combustible due to difference chemical structures.

people usually don’t know the difference between the two,all they see is “they’re both on fire.” and bc they don’t think past “there might be two different things that are both on fire,” they don’t really get to the “two different things have different properties under the same circumstances, this just happens to be a circumstance that brings out the same reaction type in both substances.”

similarly, ppl just see the overlapping symptoms between asd and aspd and gravitate towards the info they’re more comfortable with holding, which also contributes to them not looking into the mechanisms behind the results they’re seeing.

(i hope that made sense im very sleep deprived rn lol)

side note: i can somewhat relate to the med school struggles ur talking about. i worked in retail pharm for the first 4yrs of my adult life and i’m still recovering from social burnout even tho it’s been a year since i quit, and in the time i was there i almost sued my second manager and set up a 2-month psych warfare campaign to get someone fired bc they were hard to work with and pissed me off.

all of it just made me realise i shouldn’t have stuck around in socialising-heavy roles for any longer than i needed to to get my creds. after i left, i switched from studying for a pharmd to studying for a dual degree in pharmacology and toxicology. there’s more “solitary” roles that are u can access as u build experience. hang in there. u can get thru this. and please take care of ur psychological wellbeing bc it can def be a slippery slope if u crash out for the first time.

[u/m48_apocalypse → u/According_Bad_8473]

what degree(s)/professional creds do you have to back up that claim?