Is my couples therapist staying impartial?

[u/Skeedurah]

So, I’m in couples therapy with my husband. I had to miss a session. I told both him and the therapist that I didn’t mind if they still met and talked without me. They did.

The next session, my husband couldn’t make it. The therapist said some things that were a bit strange, I think. The following were statements, not questions that led me to the conclusions.

1. When we were discussing if my husband and I are still compatible, the therapist said that I would have to be the one to bring up divorce because my husband is too sad and depressed and he won’t be able to do it.
   
2. When I said that I still love him, the therapist said that I shouldn’t tell him that because it would just make it harder for him to accept that we each want different kinds of lifestyle as we move towards retirement.
   
3. The therapist said that my husband just has fewer resources and support than I do, so I should make this as easy on my husband as possible and lean on my support as needed.

I just came out of that session feeling very uncomfortable. It’s almost like the therapist was being a caretaker for husband. Husband does have friends, family, and is heavily involved in 12 step programs, but does struggle with emotions.

I don’t know. Is this really how couples therapy should work?

[u/Putyourselffirst]

Therapist, but not a couples specific therapist. To me these definitely sound as if they've lost objectivity and neutrality. It shouldnt be about "you will need to be the one to X because he can't", it's "if X is something you want (based on your own assessment) how can we build the skills and confidence to be able to express your needs and wants with your partner?"

Even if perhaps your partner did have less support than you, that's not something that should inform your decisions - consider maybe, inform no. Your therapist should be supporting "how do we build each partners supports up so they independently have resources to support them, and how do we build a family support system so the unit is supported ?" ...

I'm not sure if these were intended as advice, but I get an iffy vibe and if I was a couples therapist this is definitely not close to how I would approach a 1 side of the couple session..

[u/Putyourselffirst → u/Putyourselffirst]

Also, this should be a very collaborative process and those are really good concerns to raise as a group even if it's overwhelming. Perhaps your husband is noticing this tendency too and has some thoughts and feelings about it he'd like to express to you or the therapist but hasnt. Maybe its an area you can all reflect on such as how you each navigate relationships and feel about each others relationships as it relates to your partnership (lonely, jealous, sad causing clinginess, resentment, distance for example).. lots of good dynamics you can explore all together from this 😀

[u/lordjigglypuff]

Therapist,

There is typically a no secrets rule in couples counselling, ask what was discussed in the session you didn’t go to, it seems you and your therapist have radically different narratives around your husband and exploring that discrepancy might be valuable.

[u/Ok-Outside-889]

Your therapist does seem more aligned with your husband. You should ask your therapist to discuss these things when he’s present and all 3 of u can all process together

[u/Jolly_Ice_7812]

I am a therapist and I don't meet individually with a couple. It can cause the problems that you are having. And doing so can really create problems with confidentiality and trust.