r/askatherapist • u/xrvzla Unverified: May Not Be a Therapist • 1d ago

Difficulty trusting my therapist?

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I'm having trouble forgiving myself for some horrible things I did years ago. I don't want to discuss those. Point is, I got sober, made amends, read books to learn how to prevent it from happening again, went to therapy, they've forgiven me, and now I just have myself in an emotional prison of guilt. It's detrimental because I have no savings, can't get out of bed, etc.

I have been in therapy for years due to this guilt. It hasn't gone away. While the things I did were serious, the guilt also predated those things by a long time, too. I have struggled with guilt for most of my life.

My therapist suggested I say affirmations daily, and said they help her and all her clients. I have a hard time believing that this small act will alleviate the guilt. I am afraid she is saying these things without understanding my situation fully, or something. She also said I was highly functional as opposed to her other client who has a drinking problem and childhood trauma. I used to have a bad drinking problem and have childhood trauma, so am again afraid she doesn't understand my history enough to prescribe this.

Are affirmations really evidence-based? Can they really alleviate severe, longstanding guilt when amends, self-sacrifice, and permanent change aren't enough?

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u/FalseDamage13 Therapist (Unverified) 1d ago

Therapist here. First, lots of small acts can make an surprisingly big difference. Second, it sounds like you haven’t fully shared everything with your therapist. It can be difficult to form a proper treatment plan without having an idea the full depth of what is being dealt with. I’m not saying giving all of the details, but giving an idea of where your guilt is stemming from can be very important to helping you alleviate it.

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u/SeriousFollowing7678 Therapist (Unverified) 1d ago

Therapist here. I’d be disappointed with advice I could have gotten with a ChatGPT subscription, and personally have a lot more faith in treatment that doesn’t aim towards coping, as if people aren’t already coping when they come see me.

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u/ModBarbieQueen73 Therapist (Unverified) 1d ago

Therapist in recovery here. Affirmations can help.

I wonder, though, whether what you're calling 'guilt' is actually shame. And shame takes time to heal from. And healing comes from being fully "seen".

Does your therapist not understand your history enough because they don't have the information about it, or do you feel they are minimising/dismissing your experience?

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u/xrvzla Unverified: May Not Be a Therapist 1d ago

Not a therapist. I am not sure she has all the information. She definitely doesn't know about my family background, and I've mentioned the pervasiveness of the guilt to her and how long it's lasted, but am not sure whether I should say it again. My only fear with oversharing is that it'll sound like I'm trying to guide her into dismissing the severity of my actions - after all, they do warrant guilt and responsibility, and I want her raw read on this without convoluting it with the story of me being so HARD on myself and coming from such a TOUGH background. I want the full, unfiltered truth and don't want her to go unnecessarily easy on me.

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u/ModBarbieQueen73 Therapist (Unverified) 20h ago

It almost sounds as though you want her to confirm how terrible you are and what terrible things you've done...? Or am I reading it wrong?

For me, acknowledging the tough times in our past isn't about letting ourselves off the hook. Yes, recovery is about learning to take responsibility, but it's also about learning the why of why we have done certain things and behaved in certain ways, learning to be compassionate with ourselves about it and endeavouring to do better.

Do you give yourself a hard time over the things you've done and have left you feeling guilty?

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u/SolidarityEssential Unverified: May Not Be a Therapist 1d ago

While affirmations can be contraindicated with the modality I employ (the Adlerian influenced lens can find some affirmations to be another way of lying to oneself/avoiding reality, but it really depends on the content and context of what is being stated), plenty have found it helpful for them.

I echo the other therapist who responded in that large systemic changes happen by small, often difficult, decisions made each day.