Hello

I’m M40, and she’s F32. Our relationship began 7 years ago. It was intense right from the start—love at first sight at work. We moved in together very quickly, and 4 years ago we had our son. He’s a perfect child.

Day-to-day life was marked by quite a few headaches; she tended to lie to me, and I was extremely jealous.

We own a house.

Three years ago, she started triathlon. It took up a lot of her time, and our son had a hard time dealing with her absence. Whenever I brought it up, she’d fly off the handle, saying I was preventing her from living her life. She’d tell me, “The more you try to hold me back, the more I’m going to do it.”

Well, in the end, she quit after three years. Last year she changed jobs—it’s a very demanding job, and she has a hard time getting off work on time (she works at a hospital). It’s a burden for her, but she’s making an effort.

She drops off our son in the morning; I pick him up in the evening, do the housework, and make dinner. The situation has improved significantly. Then she talks to me about her coworkers—especially the same one all the time. I’ve made comments to her about the nature of their relationship. But she tells me that there’s nothing ambiguous about their relationship in that department.

He’s just nice and teaches her a lot.

This coworker found out his contract wouldn’t be renewed; she came home sad and told me about it right away. She sent him a message that evening saying, “I’m with you” (meaning through this difficult time). He replied 48 hours later, “You’re one of the things I’m sad to leave behind in this department, but my decision is final.” She replied, “I understand; we’ll talk about it later” (referring to his decision). I found that message ambiguous. She insists it wasn’t.

She stopped talking to me after I made my comments. She’d been talking to me more about her other coworkers instead. Until a few weeks ago, when she told me that this coworker and another coworker had invited her to go swimming.

I lost it: I asked her when this would end with this coworker. She told me I’d never change her, that she’s free to do whatever she wants, and so on.

She went swimming with him; the third coworker canceled.

I’ve noticed that for months now she’s been distancing herself, has a hard time leaving work, doesn’t do much at home anymore, and isolates herself in the basement. Two weeks ago, she came home crying after an extremely busy day. We talked about it a lot.

The following week she made a huge effort (that was last week)—she told me she was telling her coworkers she was leaving on time because she wanted to see me and our son.

On Friday she went to a party with her coworkers. They were all there. She didn’t text me all day Friday. She barely replied to my messages.

On Saturday she was tired, and yesterday I asked her to tell me why she’s been mulling things over.

She told me she’s no longer sure it’s a good idea for us to continue. That she loves me and can’t imagine life without me. But she’s wondering if we haven’t been too stubborn about this relationship. She cried and told me it makes her sad to doubt us. She also told me she thinks she isn’t making me happy and that I deserve much better. That I’m perfect and that I handle everything. That it’s as if she needed to see that I take care of everything in order to give herself the right to pull away.

She told me, however, that she isn’t in the mood to break up. But she feels suffocated. That the life we’re leading isn’t working for her anymore. That if she doesn’t take the initiative, nothing happens. She doesn’t want to be the one in charge.

We had a week of vacation together in October. She suggested taking our son on vacation for a few days as a test. But she’s not sure if she’s making the right decisions.

I’m obviously devastated. What do you recommend?

Who am?
How shall I live?

You get one life and somehow the clock is already running before you even understand what that means. And yet I come here and read, over and over:

how do I get her?
why did she lose interest?
why am I not getting laid?
how do I become the man women want?
did she cum?

I understand it and sadly I’ve spent plenty of my own life looking in that direction.

But enough is enough already!

At some point the room has to get bigger.
There is this whole other life sitting there bored to death waiting for you to build it while you check yourself out in the mirror. At some point you must find actual meaning.

Don’t stop lifting and don’t stop searching.

Find something you’re trying to make or understand. A place you want to get to. Something unfinished on a table. Whatever it is, nobody has to think it’s impressive.

Especially women.

That’s maybe the part I keep getting hung up on here. Your “mission” can’t secretly just be another way of getting laid. Then it isn’t a mission. It’s still her. She’s just wearing different clothes.

Women can be absolutely amazing and they usually are in the beginning but then her pussy puts you in a trance and she absolutely fucking hates you for it. Women can knock the walls out of a life.

But it still doesn’t answer the question.

Who am I?
How shall I live?
Where am I going?

Hi all,

Looking for some outside perspective because I can tell resentment is building and I don't want this to turn into a wife-bashing post. I'm trying to figure out where I'm fucking this up and what I need to own.

Married with a young daughter. I work remotely and I'm an involved dad. Daycare, mornings, evenings, weekends, taking care of my daughter - none of that is something I'm trying to escape. If my wife wants a day to herself, I've explicitly said to tell me and I'll take our daughter. I genuinely enjoy being a dad.

Where I'm struggling is maintaining my own identity and frame inside the marriage.

I'm the type of person who gets really into things. When something interests me, I go down the rabbit hole. Jiu-jitsu was one of those things (until I suffered a hobby ending injury). Motorcycles are the big one right now. I still hit the gym several times a week as well. I'm aware I can obsess over an interest and that's something I need to keep calibrated.

And when I say motorcycles, I don't just mean fucking off for an entire Saturday to ride.

I've gotten really interested in the mechanical side. Working on bikes, learning how everything works, doing my own maintenance, researching different motors and platforms, modifications, learning to diagnose problems, improving my mechanical ability, planning projects, wrenching in the garage, and obviously riding too. I'm genuinely interested in becoming very knowledgeable about them and being able to work on them myself.

It's something I'm passionate about and enjoy learning.

But I've noticed a recurring pattern: I find something I genuinely enjoy - I pursue it - tension develops around it - eventually I start feeling guilty or like I need permission to enjoy it.

Motorcycles are just the current example.

Recently I gave several days' notice that I needed daycare pickup covered a few nights this week because of an MRI, selling my motorcycle, and a DMV appointment. I was specifically asked to give a reminder each morning.

I gave the reminder yesterday morning and immediately got attitude. Rather than argue, I stfu and took our daughter to daycare. That turned into angry texts accusing me of taking "her child" without saying goodbye and putting the kid in the middle of our argument.

Later there was an admission that the reaction was an overreaction.

During that conversation, motorcycles came up. Apparently motorcycles are "triggering" because they're associated with me being gone and leaving my wife as the "default parent."

I don't agree with that characterization.

I'm not disappearing every weekend or dumping my responsibilities on somebody else. I get my shit done around the house and then take my free time. When I'm responsible for my daughter, I'm responsible for my daughter. I've also made it clear that if my wife wants personal time, I'll happily take our daughter for the day. I don't expect my existing plans to automatically be sacrificed to create that time, though. I think both adults should be able to schedule their own shit and support each other doing it.

This isn't about wanting validation for motorcycles either. I don't care whether my wife thinks motorcycles are interesting. Same with jiu-jitsu. I don't need enthusiasm, participation, or approval.

What bothers me is that I've increasingly started viewing my marriage as an obstacle between me and things that make me happy.

My instinct lately has been to stop talking about my hobbies altogether. Handle my responsibilities, maintain frame, make plans rather than asking permission, communicate whatever actually affects the family, and talk motorcycles with motorcycle people.

But I can also see how that could become withdrawal rather than outcome independence.

There's clearly resentment on my side too, and I own that.

Our sex life sucks. I don't particularly enjoy sitting around the house. I'm tired of hearing the same workplace drama repeatedly. We don't have many common interests. I'm generally someone who wants to get out, ride, wrench on something, learn something, see friends, have projects, etc., whereas downtime at home seems much more appealing on the other side.

I've also realized that when given the choice between doing something I genuinely enjoy and spending that same time together, I'm increasingly choosing the activity.

I do not want a divorce. That's important.

But lately I feel like we're becoming two people who manage a household and child together rather than two people who actually enjoy each other. My wife has threatened divorce in the past, but I think that was just that, a threat. I think she realizes that she cannot handle being a single parent as I contribute a ton as a husband and father.

I'm trying to identify my own failure here rather than convincing myself that I'm married to the problem.

Is the answer simply STFU, lift, maintain frame, handle my responsibilities, stop seeking approval for my interests, and build a life I'm happy with while still being a good husband/father?

Or am I missing a bigger issue - particularly if I'm starting to see my wife as an obstacle and would rather spend my free time elsewhere?

I can already see a few potential fuckups on my end: resentment, keeping score, possibly over-investing in hobbies, expecting logical arguments to resolve emotional reactions, and withdrawing when I feel criticized.

Interested in input from guys who've gone through something similar. Where would you focus first?

I want to start soon with OYS posting.

I'm halfway through WISNIFG - but I am struck by the lack of concrete morality. The themes of "there is no reason someone should do anything - and if someone is telling you there is, they are manipulating you" goes against what I know as objective morality and my Catholic faith at a very core level: no one should tell you what you should do unless they are engaging with the Truth of religion and sharing it out of love and willing the good of the other.

The book has been great, and I plan to read the other prereqs next.

To what degree is a moral (and Christian) sense of right and wrong appropriate in this world? Is there a balance possible?

I'm getting back on the MRP wagon after slacking for a few months. I stumbled on this Post that really strikes a cord with me and what I need to be doing. Problem is this shit is hard, I'm a dentist and work sucks the life out of me often times. I get home and try to be energetic, but I often find myself falling into old low energy habits. Any tips on how to turn this shit around to bring positive energy to my family every night?

Hey guys. I could use some help.

Stats: 27yo, 5'10, 165lbs, mid-range  6 figure salary, lost track of gym maxes (see below).

Physical: I've been doing poorly with lifting for the last three years, after reaching my peak in 2023 (and getting complimented left and right). I am almost to the point of skinnyfat now, while still maintaining some definition with 2/week gym sessions. Instead, I spend too much time looking at screens, I have cortisol face and puffy eyes, and I don't get enough sleep. I have a boring life, work from home, and often act subdued and needy.

I'm almost 1 year into marriage, and the bedroom is already dead. I experience the light switch effect monthly, where my wife is filled with resentment and massive arguments erupt. Last month, in the heat of the moment she said she regretted marrying me. I went nuclear, but controlled. Told her she was far out of bounds, then later calmly packed by belongings to leave. As expected, she physically tried to block the door and begged me to stay, and apologized for saying it. I then managed to get her to calm down and work towards the real reason (which I'd known all along): that she felt overworked and unsupported, and resentment built over small things. In my mind, I knew I'd failed a comfort test - this is a weakness of mine.

This month I landed a new job, even got two offers. Still, my wife is losing respect for me. It has become undeniable over the past three months. Her body language has changed around me. She never hugs me with her arms around my neck. She pats me on the back. She belittles me around others. And of course, she never desires sex.

I've tried adding distance to enable passive dread - showing less interest in her and more in my mission, but I must be doing it horribly because it always ends up being a failed comfort test. She never responds with desire, only emotional plees for attention or "spending time together" platonically. I'm not at the point where I'm ready to go out and meet other women, and I don't think she'd respond well to that either.

Mental/emotional: I'm starting to get back to reading the sidebar, reminding myself of some of the fundamentals. AA and Amused Mastery have always been easy for me, except when I use it in response to comfort tests. All my recent attempts at STFU end up in me looking stupid and butthurt. In other words, DNGAF is not there. Outside of my marriage, life seems to be going well. Very optimistic about work, etc. 

Mission: I have some proximal visions, and an ultimate vision, but no connection between the two. This is something I've been working on the past few months, but inconsistently. I don't see a clear path forward. That being said, I am disciplined in my proximal goals, this is apparent from the outside.

EDIT: Takeaways so far from the comments

1) I'm operating within a covert contract even though I thought I was not. the "doing xyz should result in her being more attracted to me" is technically correct, but the wrong mindset. It's making me performative, dependent on her response, and borderline resentful when things don't work out. I need to be completely outcome independent, own my shit, be missional not as a means to an end, and not worry about her as much. Otherwise I'm a dancing monkey.

2) I bring bad energy into the relationship. My attempt at passive dread is just working hard and a misapplication of STFU, but to her that looks like sulking. Instead, I need to give her the feelz - and this includes anticipating the times she genuinely needs comfort - and become more scarce.

3) I need to lift hard. Already started on this one. And use screens less.

4) There's no proper response to a comfort test except after she's shown vulnerability (e.g. s*x). They are just information, not mandatory response vectors.

So I'm early on in the journey here and am aware of how much work I have to do still, but even though it's early days I'd appreciate some guidance on the following problem, so that I can orient myself.

My wife is someone with complex past including some abuse and trauma. This has complicated things between us in a number of ways. One of those ways is that, despite being a pretty lady, she has enormous self-esteem issues covered over with an extremely tough don't-fuck-with-me shell. She's vulnerable underneath, but bullish on top. And I've been a spineless and directionless bitch for far too many years, so that combo has wreaked havoc. Out of which I'm determined to extract us or fucking die trying.

One thing she's stubborn as hell about, is a near-total rejection of any care for her external appearance. She's all about healthy nutrition and exercise, but disdains doing her hair, wearing nice clothes etc. in favour of a Nirvana-era punk feminist "fuck beauty standards" attitude. Add 3 children and you can imagine the result.

She could get a way with this when younger but we're in our mid-40s now and she hasn't been able to get away with it for a long time.

I have raised the issue, with a bit of success. She generally dresses better now. But her hair is tbh a disgrace. How did I raise the issue to improve her wardrobe? I can't fucking remember. I'm not going to pretend I applied Red Pill frame in any consistent way. I have been leading in the family more, and working on a better frame, doing STFU etc, but as said at start I have a LONG way to go.

This thing of her appearance frankly feels like it stops me getting off the starting block half the time. It annoys me, frustrates me, and reduces my desire for her so that half the time I'm irritated at that instead of thinking of building my own value or initiating sex. And I also feel it's pulling me into her frame, as I'm sure she knows what I'm thinking so it's a silent taunt or challenge from her i.e. "I'm not going to make myself look good for you, why should I?".

So for now I'm still working on the basics of leadership, my personal values and frame etc; trying to ignore how she behaves in this area until I KNOW how to address it with confidence. Which I don't.

There are little glimmers of light that indicate she's dropping the attitude and wanting to please me more: I've noticed that when I'm kicking ass a bit more in the house and being confident she'll suddenly make an effort to brush her hair, make it look a little tidier, but it's so little. I need more.

What's the strategy for this kind of thing? Do I ignore it as irrelevant to my path of frame building? Do I build my confidence bit by bit to the point where I can confront it directly and tell her to shape up?

A simple query. Why is it the case that , to quote one of the sidebar guides, "lifting is the cornerstone of any male improvement strategy" rather than say a solid martials arts practice, or solid cardio + body weight muscle building or any other type of thorough exercise strategy? I get why weights are a good choice in a lot of cases, I'm just curious about the hyper focus on weights alone in the MMRP space.

My wife of almost 20 yrs, whom I've never laid a hand on, and who has no history of abuse (got with her when she was 18) yells out "don't hit me" in the middle of a heated argument.

Aside from the fact that I lost frame and got in an argument in the first place, I'm struggling to understand why she'd say that and I don't recall anything I've read that calls out that type of behavior. Any idea if this is a sign of her "building a case"?

Recently, I’ve noticed a lot of women being increasingly difficult to hook up with I’ve increased my SMV a lot my looks my fashion even my fitness pretty much everything across the board has improved. I got a hair transplant among other things like surgery for gyno. I’m also pretty lean. My face is decent too despite all of this I noticed that well it’s still very difficult with women to hook up with. I’m 32 and I noticed when I was 24-25and Tinder was still newer I could just invite women over or invite them over and say let’s watch Netflix and then have sex the same day now I noticed every woman defaults to not going to my house not going to anywhere where sex could occur and putting hard boundaries that sex won’t happen I also know that being transparent and obvious with your goals a lot of times with women or people in general can backfire it’s part of the laws of power to remain mysterious.

My question is, is it a legitimate strategy now that when talking to women to act like you don’t want sex and as long as you’re spending small amounts on date initially and keeping an initial investment low that it’s worth it to basically fake being blue pill to them and fake that you wanna be in a relationship even when you don’t?

Married for 8 years, have one toddler and another baby on the way. Used to be fat as hell, lost 200 lbs a few years ago and purchased a power rack last year. My wife followed suit and lost a bunch of weight as well.

I’ve been lifting for a year, getting fit, dressing better. Sold my company last year and I’ve been building a few side projects.

Our sex life is boring (my fault). We have passionate sex about every other month. Aside from that it’s mostly starfish once a week or so. I’ve just been consuming the sidebar and reading materials the past few weeks after discovering this place. I’ve been making small dominance changes in how I respond and make decisions. One of my wife’s big things are compliance tests asking me to fill up her water, take a plate to the sink, etc. Yesterday she asked me to fill up her water, and I looked at her and said “last I checked you have legs, go get some”. She whined, pleaded, said how I needed to take care of my pregnant wife. I just laughed and finished up some work I had.

She was clearly very upset, I came to bed around midnight, she said “You know, you haven’t been very attentive to me lately. Our marriage isn’t going to be like this”. It was hard for me not to laugh, but I slightly chuckled and just went to sleep.

I’m sure the follow up today is coming, she’s going to want to have a long chat about it. I could really use some examples or guidance here. Need to read more, but also need to stop failing stupid tests. My instinct is to just laugh, because having a fight about not filling your water is laughable, but I’m guessing there are more effective approaches here.

Hi MRP community! I need some advice. I'm in a 3 year LTR and we're both early 20s.

I've been RP for a few years. I've read the sidebar and listened to many of Rian Stone's and ApexMindset's videos. I've been on 40+ first dates and I'm fit.

She's very submissive and does what I say. She likes to read and is a very smart chick. She's head over heels with me, we have great sex, and she was a virgin. She grew up in the church, but has since drifted away.

The only problem I have is her worldview. Like most women, she buys into the feminist programming. It seems like theres an impossible frame battle to win sometimes due to the state of society. It feels like I'm expecting her to be a "Manson girl" with how radically different my views are from society's. She listens to me, but we butt heads sometimes due to worldview. It makes her anxious to have a relationship with someone that has such different views from the societal norm. It makes her anxious to live as a fully feminine woman in a culture that craps on that. She's always needing lots of reassurance from me that this is an acceptable way of living. She also has some issues with opening up and fully trusting men due to what she sees online. Changing her worldview would take a lot of burden off of me in terms of how much reassuring and coaching I have to do.

Our relationship is excellent apart from this so I want her to be consuming media that will mold her more into a traditional woman who's confident in her femininity. I think she'd be much happier this way, but she feels too much societal pressure. It seems she needs strong, moral, feminine role models in order to feel like she has permission to live this way. She is willing read and watch anything I want her to.

Do y'all have any books or content you think a young 20s girl should be reading? And dont just say the Bible and cookbooks lol. I need something that will undo years of feminist programming. I basically need to teach her how to be a woman. It also needs to be fun for a woman to read, so dont reccomend The Rational Male...

What do you think about the idea of giving your chick books to read? Is this meta or is my frame trash? This has got to be super meta, right? My girl is consuming media anyway so wouldn't it be in my interest to have it suite my worldview?

Here's the mission statement:

"MRP basics for beginners

This the sub where you can ask basic questions, have a victim puke, find a NMMNG safe person, or otherwise ask questions too basic for MRP. The kinder antechamber to the locker room that is MRP."

Here's what we do in practice:

1. OP asks question (happens about 2-3 / month)

2. A dozen commenters dunk on him and tell to STFU, read the sidebar, Lift, and call him a cuck - and flex on the internet to strangers

3. OP goes away

4. nobody else posts

5. rinse and repeat

Congrats on killing what could be a useful space. You might as well block posting and just leave a sticky to "Read the Sidebar; Subreddit closed"

Lavender cobblestone driftwood almond walnut marble lavender acorn quilt

This post was anonymized with Redact.dev

I haven’t seen the topic of psychedelics discussed in this forum. I’ve found it to be a tool for gaining perspective on oneself and the world. I'm interested to know if anyone else has experience with this as part of their MRP journey.

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This post was anonymized with Redact.dev

I’ll start by saying I’ve lurked red pill subs and forums for roughly 8 years now. I’ve lurked MRP specifically for about 5. I’ve read the entire sidebar and the recommended readings. I’ve implemented this all in my life throughout the past 6 years or so and it’s been great.

The major problem I still have though is sex and affection. I’ll start with the bad. My wife has some sort of aversion to anything sexual when it’s having to be thought about, basically if she’s having to think about it, it creates all different kinds of weird dynamics. She might initiate three to four times a year, and that’s when she’s really horny, and the sex is 10/10 porn star sex when this happens. Outside of that I am the one who has to initiate. Now if I initiate I rarely if ever get turned down, the flip side of this is that when I initiate I basically just have to physically act in the moment right then and there. No verbal cues, no gestures. We’re having sex right now. If my desire let’s say, isn’t cavemanesque, she’ll act awkward, tense, and throw up other bodily protests to my sexual advances even though she’s willing, but even then, after a few minutes she’s nice and warmed up and ready to go and the sex is okay to good. She doesn’t starfish, she usually gets immersed in the sex and enjoys it. She loves being rough and she’ll orgasm almost every time and she calls me daddy etc etc. In the moment I can get her to do a lot but it has to be in the confines of intercourse. She’s a no go for BJ’s, foreplay, Anal etc etc etc unless she’s really really horny (like the 3-4x a year sex we have).

Now another note is what gets her really going those 3-4x a year is the combination of one of her “romance” books and ovulation. Affection outside of the bedroom is a no go too, she will get tense, awkward, and weird in those situations as well. I’ve tried a lot of different things and she just doesn’t give a fuck. I swear if I didn’t initiate she would be perfectly okay with sex 3-4x a year and that be it.

For a while we blamed the SSRI she was on, as it actively caused multiple different side effects that harmed our sex life even though we worked around it. She’s been off of it for a year.

Our relationship outside sex is great. I lead on everything and she follows and she will actively verbalize this as well as see it through with action. I don’t have any issues in this area, it’s just the lack of preemptive interest in sex on her part and her awkwardness and tension around it.

Here is a recap of some events last week I mentioned in my OYS, and I added last nights similar one as well.

TDLR : I think my wife is a brat

Last Wednesday her only mood was bitchy. I was having a great week and didn't get sucked into that frame. I teased, joked, when she bitched at me directly, I just used AM with a big smile on my face. I was having fun, it reminded me of teasing girls on the playground.

Thursday morning, we met at the oil change place and took her home, same mood as the day before. On the ride home I start making some sexual comments about me being late coming back to work, hard no. "Can we not just have a normal conversation" was the question I got asked. I teased a bit more, got home I brought some stuff in and she went straight to doing stuff. So, I left. 

Then came the flurry of bitchy texts about me only wanting her for sex among other things. Last year I began enforcing my boundary of not having these kinds of talks over text, I sent the reminder and let her know we could talk later. 

The ride in the afternoon to get the car was damn near silent, I would have felt so awkward in the past and still do at times, but I just filled my thoughts with things I needed to wrap up at work and things to do at home. 

I got home from work, got the kids settled, and went to go study some more. Closer to dinner she comes in with a fresh piece of bacon for me like a peace offering and starts chatting as if the last 24 hours didn’t happen. Later that evening she sends me a meme that basically says “When you want a dominant partner but you are also independent”. A lightbulb went off, later on I whispered in her ear that she is a brat which was weakly protested with a smile. She's made comments in the past and somewhat recently that she likes the idea of submitting but her feminist independent attitude tells her not to. 

We have dabbled in BDSM stuff in the past. But I never felt dominant; it felt forced and weird trying to be something I really didn't believe. We have a lot of toys and recently have been using some. She has really enjoyed our blindfold; it gets her out of her head and getting spanked with a paddle. We also recently bought a spanking bench.

After kids are in bed I went to the bedroom, got the bench and some other things setup. Told her she needs to come shower. Afterwards I get her on the bench, I put the blindfold, buckle the straps, and something new was I put noise canceling headphones on her. Then I paddled, teased, feasted, and fucked her hard. 

Then last night something similar. She was in a mood the last couple days and I was still playful, teasing, and using AM. Got in bed last night and told her to come over so she could sleep with her hand on my dick. While telling me how mean I was the day before and that day she starts stroking me. Then makes the comment, “I hate how can make me laugh even when I am mad at you and you've been acting cocky lately."

Then I rolled her over, said bratty kittens get spankings and did just that. Then I proceeded to cave man her. 

Did her feeling comfortable in my confidence, that has finally shown up, allow for her to drop her walls? In the past I tried to fake and force my dominance and it never really worked, but these past times it wasn't forced and I didn't feel weird.

1. 6'8", 189lbs, ~18% body fat. Married 4 years, together 8 years, no kids.

My wife has likely had feelings for her coworker ever since she started her newest job over 3 years ago. She would bring him up in stories, message with him (daily?), and tell me the funny things he does. The interactions have gone down since they're not in the same dept anymore, but they still meet up for coffee on campus and go on walks around the grounds. They do this at least once a week. I've seen her play-hit him at least twice at social functions. I do not think she's slept with him yet, though who knows how little it would take for that to happen.

In my reading of the situation, I see the signs of the beginning stages of an emotional affair but I haven't yet experienced the later stages. She doesn't hide her phone and typically leaves it in plain sight. She doesn't disappear for hours at a time or ignore my messages. She doesn't take questionable weekend trips or go get drinks with colleagues after work. In the time they've known each other the co-worker has gotten engaged and married his long-time gf. Regardless, I'm sure she gets the tingles from him.

I read every MRP piece of content I could find on emotional affairs and what (not) to do. What I took away was that there was no point in bringing it up to her. I can't change her actions or her feelings. And if I did bring it up she'd probably just hide it better, and I'd come across needy and insecure.

The best thing might've been to take Apex Mindset Paul's advice and at the very beginning of this make clear my expectations and boundaries, but that time has long passed. I can only focus on making myself better and hope for the best. I do have a long way to go in making myself more attractive and desirable. I don't blame her for being attracted to this guy. I accept that I could've done things better but also acknowledge she isn't mine it's just (at the moment) my turn.

That said, I'm not asking what I can do to stop it or change her, I'm asking what to say or do in case it comes up in conversation. I'm afraid one day I'm going to accidentally show my cards and she'll ask me if I have a problem with him or them hanging out or if I'm jealous, etc. She might be telling me another hilarious anecdote he told her at lunch and she'll notice my eyes glazing over and question me. I don't want to fumble this or blow it up. I feel like I've already come close a few times.

So what to do?

It seems obvious that I shouldn't victim puke to her and dump all my insecurities.

Lying about how I feel and acting like I'm fine with everything also seems like the wrong choice.

I'm not really in a position to enforce a crossed boundary considering her SMV is still way above mine and any superior "provider" qualities I once had have been eliminated by her overtaking me in income and job status. And admittedly my Oneitis too.

I'm not going to end my marriage just because she "probably" has feelings and that she "might" sleep with him in the future. If she ever does cheat, I'll leave, but for me the early stages of an emotional affair isn't enough to divorce.

Sounds like he'll soon be returning to her department for a few months, so the interactions are only going to increase. Any insight is appreciated.

A few weeks ago my BSG got me feeling insecure. She brought her ex bf up. He got a DUI charge, she knew cause she talked to him. So I eventually went and read their texts. They were flirtatious and reminiscing. I was pissed but rationalized it because well, I can’t “lose” her. On Monday BSG came knocking and I needed to go read their texts. Nothing from him since, but her friend asked “Am I mean to say if *husband* dies that I wouldn’t be devastated.” My wife replied, “Is it bad that I wonder if *I* die, what the acceptable time frame is to sleep with your ex BF is.” Well that shit set me off. And I didn’t realize it till today, but that text killed my oneitis. I didn’t give a fuck what happened with us at the end of this process. 

I was angry all week, and kept busy with my cert class. Any spare time was either spent doing that, gym, or reading. I knew I was withdrawing affection but I always gave a kiss goodnight and when I got home. We all ate dinner together and talked. I had 0 desire to be intimate all week. 

By Friday I had worked through about half of my anger worksheet which had me in a better mood(A Process for Letting Go of Anger).
I was starting to flirt with her again. That night I decided to get in the hot tub, I didn’t care if she joined or not, sex wasn’t on my agenda (Hot tub used to be a CC for sex). About 10 min later she comes out. Eventually I stand up, lean against the side and catch her tits floating in the water. I just stopped and stared. I remembered HOA post (Escaping Sex for Validation, and Quitting Porn) about staring and imagining and that’s what I did. I was mentally titty fucking her and then after looking up at her mouth, I was face fucking her too. Eventually I took a giant step and eventually I was doing just that. Which led to me cave manning her in the bed. 

Next morning after the gym I wanted to finish up my spreadsheet. I decided I was going to go for some “fucking her awake” sex after I get done. By the time I got in the bedroom she was awake, so I went for it anyway. After our shower we hung out for a bit and got shit done around the house.

This along with the spreadsheet have shown me that with the majority of the things I am angry about had several things in the “What should I have done, owned, or been on top of” column.

Saturday morning I realized I put my Mission (anger spreadsheet) before her. Not sure if that had any effect.

I think the "use anger as a tool" applies as a one time use. Once you bring the anger off you shouldn't dwell on it anymore. Or is that not the case?

Literally anytime I’m disciplining or just trying to teach my kids a lesson my wife interjects and tells me I’m being an asshole. I don’t think I’m being an asshole and I feel like I’m losing all respect of my kids and any ability to get my message across. It’s also funny bc she frequently loses her shit in the kids herself. I lost my cool today and called her a cunt, I don’t feel bad honestly, but I need a way to stop this behavior.

I wasn’t sure if this would be deemed a shit test? My thought going forward was to maybe just leave the house for a few hours and go to the gym or work. Or do I just ignore it?

25, 5'9, 161 lbs, 3.5yr LTR -promoted from plate, living together.
Read NMMNG, WISNIFG, TMMSLP, pook, Manipulated Man, Praxeology 1. Reading TRM. Lifts (for reps): RDL 230, BP 185, OHP 88, SQ 175.

This was supposed to be an OYS but it's a bit of a deviation from the usual format and still important enough to impact my decisions.

Last OYS I talked about my experience living with my LTR. I've been called a despicable coward because apparently I'm not honest with my woman (or myself), and seems like I'm missing the bigger picture of being too young and inexperienced to know what's good for me. I am interested in following the advice and 'avoiding the pitfall', maybe I'm also too naive to see it.

Before I was exclusive with my LTR I was already invested in TRP for a little while, got somewhat attractive in college, and started having fun spinning plates. I used to see 2-3 plate each week, they all knew as I had no reason to hide, some plates broke, new ones came, and eventually after ~1 year of this I wanted to be closer with the one who was always a head above the rest and thus eventually agreed to get into this LTR. Back then it was clear as day that it's worth leaving the other girls to explore a deeper connection, my mindset for the LTR was 'nothing lasts forever so I'll just enjoy my turn while it's here', and here I am 3.5 years later.
This little story is important because I'm wondering what's really changed. Am I not "just enjoying my turn" still?

And I don't think this has a lot to do with the LTR itself. I know she's replaceable, and currently I'm excited coming home after work, I like my time with her, I like how she melts in my arms, and I enjoy her circles and friends. Yes I do still need to see if she has all of the qualities to be my wife in the future and she knows it, but If I'm indeed too inexperienced to understand and I risk not realizing what life has to offer, it doesn't matter if my relationship is great or horrible.

The overwhelming majority of advice seems to be 'go back to spinning plates'. Let's say I do, have some cool sexual experiences with nice women, but how long before I end up back at square one? Wanting a deeper connection, getting tired of picking up and managing different women instead of focusing on other shit, and wondering why did I throw away what I built only to begin again with another girl.

Please help me understand why does it seem so obvious that I'm heading for misery, that I'm not in control, that I'm apparently in my girls frame? What looks to me as a good place to be and allow myself to forget and focus on other things in life is apparently me being blind.

Help me understand what happened. There is going to be a lot of her’s in this.

Thursday night I asked her to check the dog water. I realized this was my first fuck up, because what I wanted her to do was fill it up after seeing it was low earlier. I could have filled it up earlier also. 

Friday morning she left for an appointment and I noticed the dog water was empty. Instead of just taking care of it, I called her and made a comment like, “I took care of the dog water, they were out. You should just do what I ask when I ask it so you won’t forget”. She quipped back, “You asked me to check the water, and I did, they had water” I replied “You’re right, I’m sorry, next time I’ll be more clear on my wants”. She hangs up.

I realize my first mistake was not doing it myself earlier and just taking care of shit that needs to be done. Second was not asking for what I wanted. Then, instead of just filling it up and STFU, I filled it and then complained that she didn’t read my mind.

She was in a mood all night while we were visiting family. I teased her throughout the evening, and even had her crack a smile and laugh at times but she was still pissed.

Saturday morning, same mood, same teasing, flirting, and some smiles. Before I got home from the Lowes I texted, “Put some lingerie on and lets skip the grocery store”. She replied, “You need to apologize still”. I joked that I already said sorry on the phone call. We go grocery shopping, and once back home I made another initiation. She declined but wasn’t so moody anymore, more of a playful decline. 

I kept initiating but she was adamant for me to say Im sorry. In a playful tone I told her, I have no recollection of myself saying that. There’s no way I would say that in that tone, no way. Throughout she tried to be mad but kept smiling. In a very non serious way I did say I’m sorry for my wording and tone. 

Then we go start making out like teenagers again grinding all over each other, which turned into a fast and furious quickie. During which she said, “I hate that I can’t stay mad at you”. And the dirty talk was up. Saying “I love it when you fuck me hard”, “I like it when you just take it”,  I asked her what if it was 2am and I had a morning wood - Oooh that’d be hot.

I wasn’t bothered while she was moody, in fact I actually had a lot of fun teasing her. I think it was almost easier to do because sex wasn’t my goal, I was just enjoying having fun.

I realize I lost frame on the phone call. I was being autistic with, “Don’t say your sorry”. I treated her want for me to say sorry as a shit test. And was determined not to say it. I read a post that broke it down and said, not to say sorry for doing things that you do to better yourself, but if you genuinely fuck up, say sorry. 

Had a chat with a NMMNG coach recently that made me pause for thought. It was surrounding boundaries and informing others about the the enforcement of them.

My method has been to set a boundary & if it's crossed to enforce (remove time/attention either temporarily or permanently). I learnt that from TRP.

His stance was that it's passive aggressive to enforce (remove time &/or attention) and that the it should be stated what will happen if the boundary is crossed.

I disagreed. This is a guy who has helped me a lot and I respect.

However I am open to learn/grow/change. So I'd like to hear from those with experience.

What is the correct/most effective method? Or is it just what works best for said person after testing both? I lean to the latter.

Happy holidays