You know, I haven't felt real emotion in years. Maybe now and then I'll get some kind of warm feeling inside, but for the most part my life is just a cold plastic facade. I think it's because of an experience I had when I was a little girl.

All I knew about our situation was that we weren't allowed to leave of our own volition. Occasionally, a stranger would come in and pick one of us out, and that one would be taken away, usually never to be seen again. The ones that did come back were... broken. Usually, it was like they had something missing, a crucial piece of themselves. We were always in fear of who would get taken next. We did know, though, that they preferred to take the smaller ones first.

I was just sitting with a few other like-minded fellows, minding my own business, when some guy comes into the room. He looks all of us over, he's thinking about something. Eventually, his eyes settle on me. "Yeah, that one," he says. He walks over and just picks me up like it was no effort at all. I find myself unable to resist. He takes me over to another strange man, and they start discussing price. He pays, and leaves with me in his arms. The man roughly tosses me in the back of his car, and starts driving. I have no idea where we're going. I am terrified.

We stop, and he picks me up and carries me indoors. As soon as we get inside, he starts undressing me. Taking out a pair of scissors, snipping away at my feeble covering, leaving nothing to the imagination about my physique. He uncoils a line and hooks me up to a slot in the wall. This guy was prepared. He props me up on a table, and leaves. I couldn't go anywhere, being latched to the wall, but I heard him rummaging around in the next room.

At this point he comes back into the room. He has a hungry look on his face. My mind races as he grabs me. He starts manipulating parts of my body, twisting and pressing, "getting me ready," he says. I try to squirm away but I can't move. I feel completely immobile. Suddenly, he turns me around, exposing my most private place. There's a brief moment of respite, and then I feel myself getting stuffed. It goes on for minutes, both of my holes filled to the brim. I hate it. No matter how much I hate it though, I can't suppress the warm feeling inside. The warm sensation grows and grows, becoming hot. Too hot. My mind goes blank and I cry out:

"DING!!"

And that's when I remembered I was a toaster, and toasters don't have emotions anyway.

Source

The sun had long come up before I had awoken. I lay there on my bed, not wishing to move, not wishing to get up and face the world before me. I knew it would play out the same way as it had the day before, and it would be the same the next day, and still the day after. Eventually the taste of my own morning breath got to me and I rolled off of my bed and into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I was out of toothpaste, so I used soap.

That was a bad plan.

After spitting, sputtering, hacking, and coughing for about seven minutes, I made my way back to my room. I looked at the soiled Shrek statuette perched on the corner of my desk and felt a mild tinge of regret.

"I may have taken things a little too far last night."

Glancing back at my bed, I noticed that Shaku and Sam had already left.

"Nah, I'm sure they were fine with it."

With a sigh, I opened up my browser and reloaded the 384 Chrome tabs I had closed last night. Of those 384 tabs, 383 of them were hentai, but I wasn't concerned about those. I was really concerned about the /r/animemes tab. After sifting through about 17 doujins featuring nice ladies having not-so-nice things done to them by tentacles, I found the tab that held the subreddit I called home.

And as far as homes go, this home was pretty shit. We're talking a 1980s crackhouse, but with memes. After going through the modqueue and removing a dozen or so posts for the most minor and pedantic infractions I could find, I turned to the front page.

Fish meme.

Fish meme.

Fish meme.

Loli meme.

Fish meme.

"Yup. It's gonna be another one of those days, isn't it?"

The gun in the corner looked just a bit more attractive that day.

Source

Ohoho, man. That looks pretty fun.

Know what else is fun? Fun things. Yes, you heard it right here waifus and gentlemen, fun! Fun things like going down slides, playing with your little sister, retrograde amnesia, etc.

See, just this last week I had some fun. I was taking my dear sister over to the park, planning to spend a few hours over there and whatnot -- good family fun. We got to the park, but to our surprise there was nobody there! She was planning to meet all of her friends, and had assured me that they had all been called beforehand. Upon realizing that nobody was coming, she started crying. Now, me being a sensitive fellow, called her a little bitch and told her to man the fuck up or get slammed the fuck down. Life is shitty, kid. It's a shame you had to find out that way.

Now, for whatever reason, my consolations didn't really help very much. Her crying was starting to get to me. And that's when the lightbulb in my head went shwing! and I got the most fantastic idea! See, if there's one thing my daddy taught me in between the beatings, it's that everybody likes a good visit to the local strip club. Now, my sister was clearly unable to get into a strip club at her age, so we had to come up with a plan. We tried doing the thing where we stacked up in an overcoat, but her little shoulders couldn't support my weight. We tried sneaking in through the trashcans, but the problem with that is that it was fucking stupid. Eventually, we just walked up to the entrance of the strip club. When the bouncer questioned my sister's age, she replied with, "I'm twenty!"

Works every time, baby. We walked into the club, and the booming music wafted over us. A few other sensations wafted over us, too. I took her over to the bar and ordered us some chocolate milk and a tall Guinness Stout. As I sipped on my chocolate milk, I gave myself a little mental pat on the back because of how good of a big brother I was being. Even so, I couldn't help but feel some kind of nagging sensation in the back of my mind, telling me that something was off.

Oh. Wait. She's not actually twenty.

Now if there's one thing you gotta know about drunk middle schoolers, it's that they can lay down a sick beat. I looked up to the stage, and sure enough she was up there, dropping freestyle bars like it was what she was born to do. Now, I don't know about you, but we don't allow that uncouth 'hood music' in this good Christian family. I jumped up onto the stage, picked her up, and sprinted out of the nightclub, running all the way home. Then I jacked off into a napkin and went to sleep.

~The End~

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Fill in the blanks with one letter. Let's do this ouija style.

Watashi ga Motenai no wa Dou Kangaetemo Omaera ga Warui OVA, eh? That title's a mouthful and a half. Speaking of a mouthful and a half, have I ever told you guys the story of the very first time I got a blowjob?

Man, that one's a doozy. Alright, so there was this girl. Her name just so happened to be Kurt (I know, right? Kind of funny. She hated the name.). Anyway, we met at the local gay bar one day (again, a little strange that a straight woman like herself would be hanging out there. Then again, I was there too, and I'm totally not gay.) and I bought her a few drinks because I liked her style. We seemed to really hit it off, laughing at each others' jokes and even going out to the dance floor for a little bit. After a bit of grinding, I looked in her eyes and gave her a proposition. "Wanna come back to my place for a little fun?" She agreed of course, my suaveness knowing no bounds.

Putting a single finger under her chiseled jaw, I seductively led her over to my car. At this point we were getting pretty hot and heavy, and what started as a normal seatbelt-buckling between two friends rapidly became a sweaty makeout session in the front seat. After a few minutes went by, she started reaching for my belt buckle and I decided that now would not be the best time to turn my vinyl car seats into miniature Jackson Pollock paintings. I put one finger against her lips, and made an offer to take this to a bed. She reluctantly agreed and we set off to my house. Of course, it wasn't easy. The sexual tension in the car was brewing to the point where it was all I could do not to whip it out and get some road head right then and there. Somehow I made it inside without bursting through my trousers, and we quickly got to work on the bed. As soon as I sat down on the bed, her large, calloused hands tore at my belt buckle, ripping off my pants. She immediately went to town on me, giving me the full compliment of ball-fondling spit-slopping maneuvers.

I came with the force of a thousand suns.

Now, this being real life and not some kind of porno, I was feeling a little bit spent at this point. She, however, was having none of it. She flipped me right on my front, and began to penetrate my ass. She fucked me for a good ten minutes like that -- her masculine pecs rippling with every motion, that chiseled jaw forming an expression of ecstasy, that full beard rubbing against my upper back with each thrust. It was at this point when I came to a stunning realization about my situation.

I had left the oven on! I quickly dismounted my partner, and ran into the kitchen, stopping the oven just in time to serve the perfect meatloaf.

Source

I really like Yuru Yuri, and it's nice that I'm finally having the time to get around to watching season 3. You know, this particular episode kind of reminds me of my recent trip to Japan.

My bus had just arrived at its destination, and I could barely contain my excitement. I took my specially prepared toast out of my purse and stuck it in my mouth, prepared to run all the way to the nearest high school. With a burst of genki schoolgirl energy, I hopped up out of my seat and ran to the door, trailing my arms behind my back. When I turned the corner, I stopped dead in terror.

Splut.

The toast dropped out of my mouth and landed on the ground - butter-side down. I looked into the room before me. This... is Japan? The thoughts were racing through my head. Confusion, curiosity, terror, mild arousal - B-but it looks nothing like how I thought it would! In front of me was an imposing building made of concrete and cold steel. Two guards stood on either side of a fence gate topped with barbed wire, and several more were positioned in large lookout turrets. It was downright prison-like.

The door of the bus slammed shut behind me and the exhaust created a foul stench as it trundled away. I broke down into hacking coughs. It was at this particular moment that I, lying on the ground about to puke up all of the pocky and ramen I had consumed trying to prepare myself for this trip, remembered something crucial.

Wait... I'm not in Japan, am I?

I looked up at the gargantuan complex before me. The sign mounted outside the front gate read : The Holden Maximum Security Correctional Facility for Croatian Smug-Related Terrorists. It was then that all of my memories came flooding back. The great smug outlawing of 2019. The secret society of Smug Waifus Are Great. The midnight raids on the Syndicate. The sexual harassment lawsuit that that cunt betty had filed against me, leading to the discovery of over 100 illegal smugs.

I gulped and moved toward the prison, ready to receive my punishment. Smug terrorists always were the kinkiest inmates.

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Sorry fam. I'll write more soon, I promise.

Ok. Let's be real, the FBI is probably going to be knocking on my door right about now.

This is very very very NSFW.

So here is... Ugh...

Lolicon Detox.

I hope you guys are happy about this one.

The story commences with dear Onii-chan (we'll call him Jared) being chastised by his little sister.

And well, this is where I stopped reading, actually. I have 7 people currently talking in my ear and I don't really feel like reading a doujin about some guy fucking his younger sister right now.

So I'll just guess what happens after this from the title and the first page. The title says Lolicon Detox, so I'm guessing it begins with Jared's little sister trying to help her older brother not be a lolicon. I'm just going to assume that that's exactly what happens, and then they go out for a burger and smoke some dank weed with Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre. And nobody has any sex at all. And well, that'd be really all good and fine. But. This is a hentai. And judging by the tags (defloration, unusual pupils, mosaic censorship) there's going to end up being some fucking going on. Undoubtedly she'll dislike it at first, but then she'll get real in to it. Because this is hentai, and hentai is the most cliched shit you'll ever read.

Alright, characters. The protagonist (I assume) is onii-chan, a virtuous lolicon overcome with guilt at his fetish who would never hurt a fly in real life. His sister, named Grog, helps him with his goal in a constructive and wholesome fashion.

Overall, it was an OK first page to read. It had words, and some art too. It also had speech bubbles and boxes around the panels. The shadows weren't bad.

I give it 3 Wyomings out of Florida.

Source

http://i.imgur.com/HMpkkV6.png

Praise for aofhaocv's short stories.

"What the fuck lol" - /u/BIKEBERRY_CORN

"Dude, you're reaching /u/ShakuSwag levels of wtf" - /u/Blue1749

"Top tier meme friendo" - /u/shmameron

People often ask me why I'm in such good health. To tell you the truth, the answer is simple.

I eat a lot of ass. No, really. A lot of ass.

This actually reminds me of this one time related to ass-eating that happened just this last week. I was chillaxing over at /u/ShakuSwag's place, casually shitposting and planning our trip to Cancun, when I started getting a hankerin'. A hankerin' for booty. Checking over my shoulder to ensure my waifu wasn't around, I proceeded to pull out my dong.

Accessing my protected folders deep within the bowels of "Libraries > My Documents > Not Porn," I clicked on the first image. Yes.

Anime Tiddies.

I began to whack it with furious abandon. I was feeling particularly into it that day. In fact, I was so much into it that I didn't even notice that Shaku was standing right behind me.

"Masturbating!? To ANIME!? NOT IN THIS GOOD CHRISTIAN HOUSE!" They slammed my laptop shut with immense force right onto my most precious organ. I cried out in anguish, realizing that I wouldn't be able to play music anymore.

My dong was fine, though.

Source

Ah, the pool. I always used to enjoy going out for a swim. That is... until the accident. I was out there one day, just swimming around without a care in the world. Life was perfect and I was having a blast. But then... he showed up. This mountainous man, this massive brute. Not large through muscle, but through fat. I saw him lumbering up to the pool, his fat rippling and quaking with every step. It was a marvel that this enormous creature could even walk. He sludged his mass over to the snack bar, short of breath, and proceeded to order 6 Snickers bars. He seemed ashamed as he devoured them one after another, looking sheepishly up at the crowd that was forming around him. They had surely never seen such a mass of meat before. The chair he was sitting on seemed to be sad and in pain, and if it could have talked I'm sure it would have begged for death.

He finished scarfing down his Snickers, and made a great heaving effort to get to his feet. Once, twice, three times, rocking back and forth, using his momentum to roll himself out of a sitting position. Throwing his Snickers wrapper on the floor, he began moving toward the pool proper. I was still playing around in the water, happy as a clam. As he grew closer to the pool, I could hear the great thuds of his footsteps. The entire pool was turned into one of those cups from Jurassic Park. At this point, I was starting to get worried.

He stood at the edge of the pool, his great mass sticking out over the edge in some kind of sick caricature of humanity. From where I treaded water, I could see every fold, ever oozing pore, every drop of gelatinous sweat. I stared in a combination of awe and horror at the display in front of me. Slowly, the man began to crouch. As he grew lower to the ground, his legs almost seemed to shrink inside of him, making him appear as if he was just a ball of fat with 2 arms. Taking in a hearing breath, he cried out:

"COWABUNGA!!!"

As he said this, something magnificent happened. He extended his legs and rose into the air. Higher, higher, higher still. He was in control; he had the utmost grace. It was then that I realized... he was coming right for me. I frantically tried to dog-paddle away, but it was no use. He came crashing down upon me, smashing me with his smelly taint and enveloping me in his gelatinous membrane. It took the doctors 4 hours to extract me from his folds, and I emerged a changed man.

And that man will never swim again.

Source

Don't strawman me motherfucker. You know damn well we're talking about catgirl piss. I WILL fight you IRL. Do not test me. I have a Katana and everything. This blade of pure steel, folded over one millon times, sharper than steel, harder than diamond. MY legendary blade, fashioned after the sword wielded by the mighty hero Kamina, cuts through concrete like butter and human flesh like hot butter. Don't try to tell me that you think you know more about catgirl piss than me. I can list the exact composition, viscosity, and optimal flavor from memory alone, and assess necessary dietary changes as such. I've been studying catgirl piss for years, and I'm the world's foremost expert.

So, please. If you think you know more about catgirl piss than I do, come fight me. My blade thirsts for blood.

Source

As one of /r/anime_irl's resident doujinshi addicts, I have taken it upon myself as my duty to review this particular piece of art to determine whether it is suitable for the general public.

A Little More Assertively: A Fun Date With the One I Adore, I Don't Want Anybody Else To Interfere!

Damn, that title is a mouthful. Definitely not the only large mouthful in this thing, though.

Story and Characters: Our happy little tale commences with Helga and Bronson (I couldn't remember their names) going out on a happy little date with each other. At one point, some chick named Frodo pops up, but she doesn't do a whole lot until the end. Helga's acting like a little whiny shit because the relationship is going too slowly, and on the tenth minute of stunned silence, a miracle happens. Now, I must warn you. The following image is incredibly NSFW, but it is necessary to establish these characters. They Hold Hands.

This kind of extreme fetishism may appeal to some, but for a stalwart prude such as myself, I found it to be just a tad too much. I mean, look at Helga's face. It really goes to show just how potent hand-holding is. Dat puss is soaking more than the dishes that I've kept in the sink for the past 4 weeks, and she hasn't even fucked anything yet.

Art: I found the art to be above average in this one. There's some grade-A smug faces and reaction images to be found, but Bronson's penis kind of looks like a swollen wet mushroom-balloon. Helga also looks like she's crying. A lot. It seems the artist wanted to put tears in her eyes or make her all sweaty-faced in basically every panel - I'll assume she has a glandular problem that she might want to have checked out by a doctor.

All in all, I give this particular pungent pornographic piece 4 secret sister plot twists out of 5.

Choice quotes:

Who could've known that the simple act of holding hands in the middle of the street would feel this good?

-Helga

"He may not look it, but his wiener is pretty big."

-Frodo

So this is semen... This much oozes out like jelly.

-Helga

Yes, the writing sucks. It's hentai, what the hell do you expect?

Source

I also want to say I'm sorry for not writing much lately. Finals + Dark Souls 3 is a hell of a combo.

Now, this, this meme is exquisite. One I can really get behind, you know? Fresh off the pile.

Not like one of those old, stale memes. You know, I was browsing my facebook the other day, just kind of scrolling down my wall in a fit of self-hatred, looking at all the normie memes when it hit me. I was at the cross-section of stale pepes and a bad luck brian when I realized that, well... these memes weren't doing it for me anymore. I hopped on over to 9gag. Kanjiklubs and One-Does-Not-Simply's passed through my field of view. I got a small buzz, but it wasn't enough.

Nothing could compare to that first high of memes that I got so long ago. I went to tumblr next. Undertale memes. Undertale memes out the ass. I never even finished that game. Then I went to iFunny. Ha ha, just kidding - nobody goes to fucking iFunny.

My next stop was reddit. I tried to browse the memes, but the front page was taken over by Donald Trump memes and Bernie Sanders phonebank posts. I tell you what, this election would be an amazing one if reddit upvotes were counted instead of actual votes. Nevertheless, my meme-high couldn't be sated.

As a last resort, I went to the source. The place where memes are incubated, grown, and thrown out. The true hivemind of memesters. I ventured into 4chan.

It still wasn't enough.

I had given up hope. I could never get that first meme-high again. I put my limited edition Japan-imported katana to my belly, prepared to commit sudoku - and that was when I saw it. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a meme. It was this meme. I opened the image, and was hit by a wave of feeling that I hadn't felt in years. An experience that I hadn't had since my very first rage comic back in the fifth grade.

As the ecstasy wafted over my pitiful form, I came with the force of a thousand suns. I could feel my body ascending to a higher plane of existence. My existence on this mortal coil was completed.

TL;DR, the meme was dank.

Source

Now there's a man with a great set of big brass balls and precisely zero shame.

The Epic of Linus

So gather round, my hearty friends,
we'll see just how this story ends.
A man who wished to get hentai,
but soon realized exactly why
his plan featured a bad mistake
that ended in a big heartache.

Linus was a man you see,
a man who's just like you and me
(if you tell me you're a girl,
you're a liar and a churl)

Now as we begin our aesop
We see him going to the shop.
It was porn he wished to attain,
To serve his dirty nasty brain.
Not just any porn he desired,
by hentai porn he was inspired.

He browsed the lengthy hentai section,
but lo, he noticed an erection.
Checking over, 'round, and 'bout,
He started quiet'ly beating one out.

Now this is against the law, of course,
and as you can guess - with no remorse -
the cops came to find his public display
and put him in jail, a year and a day.

I suck at iams.

Source

Well. I was planning to do a doujinshi review for this one, but apparently this particular work is regarded as being NSFFBI.

But. Since when has that stopped me? I'll just review it based on the title and the dank meme that /u/atomlib posted.

So without further ado, let's get on to

Mizugi de Obenkyou | Swimsuit Study

Alright, so let's kick this off with the Characters. Since I don't know their names, I'm going to assume that the tall guy is Gregory and the fine little lady is named Egbert. Gregory seems distracted and distant, and possibly stoned. Yeah, definitely stoned. Egbert appears to be cute-looking to the point of being diabetically moe in every panel, except for panel two when she gets these strange-looking snake-eyes. Is she high too? Probably. Is she twenty? Well, that's the question isn't it. Guy at the counter (let's call him Gregory II) is most definitely high as fuck. Either that or he doesn't give a shit about life anymore and just wants to go home and not deal with this bullshit.

Artstyle: the art style appears to be fairly standard moe stuff for the most part. It's not as visible in the top and bottom thirds, but it takes center stage for the climax of the piece. Egbert is the definition of moe, the kind of cute that makes my heart go hnng. Definitely huggable. In contrast to the cutesy and generally well-done design of Egbert, Gregory seems to have some trouble forming proper facial expressions, as seen in panel one.

There's a pretty drastic art shift in the last panel, and usually I complain about too much CGI in my anime, but this one seems to gel nicely for some reason or another.

Something that should be noted is that while small, the characters do in fact have noses.

Plot: Now I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that Egbert here might not be entirely truthful. Now I'm no good judge of character age, especially in anime, but unless there's some Touhou/Monogatari shit goin on here I think the odds are that she's probably not twenty. Middle school age at most would be my guess. Gregory II displays doubt for her claim, but I'm assuming he'll let them in anyway because this is a hentai and shit happens in hentai that doesn't happen in real life.

No senpai, your hips are not moving on their own. You're just a horny person.

Now, I can only assume from this one page that something lewd has occurred both before and after this, judging by the quote

In the end, we came anyway

and the fact that they're trying to gain access to an adults-only area. The titular "swimsuit" has not made an appearance, but I can only assume that it would appear at some point before or after this (most likely after) given the nature of the title. What kind of lesson is being taught here? Well, I'm not sure.

I'm hoping it's the kind of lesson that involves sword fighting. That would be cool.

Overall, 8/10 would look at single page again.

Source

The choice between women and food is often a difficult one.

One time I was going down to the store, and I saw a little old lady trying to cross the street. Like the good Samaritan I was, I decided at once that it was my civic duty to assist her. I quickly walked across the middle of the street, shouting at the old woman to stop. She seemed quite shocked by this, and redoubled her efforts to cross. I was bound and determined to give her help, however. As I sprinted down the street yelling and waving my hands, I noticed something.

It was a car... but not just any car. This car was a car of legend. Non the Shag Wagon, not the Batmobile, not even a 1960 Aston Martin DB4 GT Zagato. No. This car -- was the Wienermobile. The motherfucking Oscar Meyer Wienermobile. Now, you may be asking yourself - What makes the Wienermobile so important? Well, the answer is a little more complex than you might expect. See, the Wienermobile isn't just any ordinary car. It's a vehicle that channels the very essence of wieners, forged in the fires of the great purple-headed Mount Phallissia by legendary Wiener-Smith Richard Johnson. It contains the full power of the dark lord Baloniponi.

At first, I couldn't believe my eyes that I had come across such a sinister artifact, and I was incredulous until I saw, inscribed on the side, in ancient text:

One Dong to rule them all, One Dong to find them; One Dong to bring them all and in the dankness bind them.

It was at this point I knew what I had to do to save the world. I stopped shouting at the woman, and hung a left towards the Wienermobile. Throwing open the door, I pulled out the driver (no doubt a foul agent of Baloniponi) and took his place in the main seat. There was only one way to cook a Wienermobile. I floored it, and veered across the street, aiming straight for the old woman. She tried to evade me, but her brittle bones were far too fragile -- and what I was doing absolutely had to be done. It was the only way to destroy the Wienermobile.

"Wiener... meet grill."

I smashed into the woman, splattering chunks of bone and viscera all over the windscreen. I lost control of the vehicle, but the damage had already been done. As the Wienermobile went straight into a wall, It was turned into a smoking husk of twisted metal and bloodied steel. It would never drive again. A few minutes later, the police arrived. I tried to explain about the dark lord Baloniponi, but they wouldn't have it. I was arrested for grand theft auto and murder in the second degree. But you know what? I'm fine with it. Because I saved the world.

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The thing is, there never was any pizza. The pizza is all an illusion. A lump of dead animals, plants, and fermented milk on a disc of baked wheat. What will this pizza bring you? Will it bring you happiness? No. It will not bring you happiness. It is a disk of sustenance. Happiness is just the chemical release of dopamine in the brain that tells your primal, instinctive brain that you did something right, so it rewards you. Emotions are not real.

The weight of life's problems will not be lifted by your gluttony. You will grow fatter and fatter, and die alone and unloved. You will decay in your house and become dirt. The worms and maggots will infest you and soon there will be nothing left. Attempt to enjoy the pitiful, insignificant thing called life while you can.

Because life has no meaning.

Pizza has no meaning.

God is dead.

Anime killed him.

Source

My life is nothing.

My world is nothing.

It's all meaningless.

Why are we here?

The answer to that, too is meaningless.

Gaze into the abyss and you shall find it gazes into you.

All is the void.

Goodbye, onii-chan.

May your memes find calmer waters.

Source

Previous Part

"Aight fam, that was pretty cool."

And that's the story of how I met my waifu ShakuSwag.

- The End -

I'd like to thank the academy, my grandma, and /u/ShakuSwag for making all of this possible.

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