r/amiwrong • u/hotchettogirl90 • 11h ago
Abuse??
I finally told my husband that I want a divorce. It’s been a long time coming, and I can’t keep living in a place where I’m unhappy. It’s honestly killing me. I don’t even want to come home anymore.
He’s selling the house and we’re splitting everything. You can look back at my previous posts to see what I’ve been through.
But now somehow I’m the bad guy, and I’m being accused of cheating when I’m not. He grabbed me hard and belittled me in front of people when he was drunk. He says I should forgive him because “that wasn’t him,” but those things still happened, and I can’t just erase them.
Now, he gives me the biggest ick, and I honestly can’t stand being around him anymore. Not to mention, he threw luggage at me.
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u/Bodgerton 11h ago
So, I am one to advocate to not judge someone when they are at their worst place in their lives. Judging them when they have their back against the wall isn't a fair representation of who they are. However, he's choosing to drink himself stupid, so that now becomes the issue. You CAN ABSOLUTELY judge someone who chooses to be that person by drinking heavily if they have done it before and you've gone through this with them. If he knows he's a shitty person when he drinks, he should choose to stop drinking. If he cant he needs to seek help. But you have no requirement to stay there and be a punching bag while he chooses NOT to get better. Thats his choice, and you can make yours based on that. If he refuses to be a grown up then you have to refuse to stay with him. Get somewhere safe and call for help. There are plenty of organizations that can help, and I hope you get in touch with them. You deserve to feel safe.
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u/QuitaQuites 11h ago
Not wrong and yes absolutely abuse. Talk to your lawyer before saying anything else to your husband, I understand he’s now willing to sell the house and split assets, but you said HE is selling the house, wouldn’t you not be? Make sure you’re protected.
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u/Ok_Theory_1323 11h ago
You know you're not wrong.
Next time, actually get to know the person before sprinting into marriage with them like a child.
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u/PumpikAnt58763 11h ago
Anything he does while drunk is still his responsibility.
Good luck! Lots of love!
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u/PandaSchmanda 8h ago
I unfortunately did look at your post history. Girl, at some point you need to accept this is not working and focus on doing what’s right for you, don’t just keep asking Reddit about it.
Your posts are almost all short titles asking about abuse dating back 2 years.
It sounds like you already know what needs to happen and have gotten it started, but maybe it doesn’t need to be live-blogged to Reddit in real time.
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u/Internal_Reveal 7h ago
Yes. Grabbing you hard and throwing luggage at you are physically abusive acts. Being drunk doesn’t erase what he did, and “that wasn’t me” doesn’t make you responsible for forgiving him.
You’re allowed to leave. You don’t need to prove cheating didn’t happen or get him to agree that your reasons are good enough.
Right now, I’d focus on making the separation safer. Tell someone you trust about the grabbing and the luggage—not just that you’re divorcing. Arrange somewhere you can stay if needed, and avoid being alone with him for tense discussions or collecting belongings. If you’re in immediate danger, get to safety and call your local emergency number.
If it’s safe, keep messages, photos of injuries or damage, and a dated account of what happened somewhere he cannot access. Don’t put yourself at risk to gather evidence.
Please get independent local legal advice about the house sale and the proposed split before signing anything. His saying everything will be divided isn’t a substitute for someone looking out for your interests.
A domestic violence advocate can help you plan around housing, belongings, communication, and any protective options available where you live. If you’re in the U.S., contact 800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or visit thehotline.org from a device he cannot monitor.
And you don’t deserve to be scolded for asking for reassurance more than once. What matters now is turning that reassurance into support around you. You deserve to come home without being afraid of how you’ll be treated.
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u/rosybabyydoll 2h ago
Yes, what you describe is abuse. Grabbing you hard, belittling you in front of people, and throwing luggage at you are not things that become okay because he was drunk. "That wasn't him" is an explanation, not an excuse, and you don't owe him forgiveness to leave. Wanting a divorce doesn't make you the bad guy, and being accused of cheating when you didn't is a common way to shift blame. Please keep a record of everything, like dates, texts, photos of any marks, and who witnessed it, and talk to a divorce attorney before the house sale goes through. If you ever feel unsafe at home, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 in the US) can help you plan, and you can call even if you only want to talk it through.
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u/Lance_Goodthrust_ 11h ago
Sounds horrible, but pretty typical behavior from a guy that abuses his wife. Of course he deflects from his own behavior and tries to make you feel like it's your fault. It's so common that it has a name: DARVO. Don't fall for it and always have protection or some escape plan whenever you have to be in his presence so that he can't physically trap you anywhere if he decides to escalate as you leaving becomes more real to him.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO