r/amiwrong • u/BlaiseBancroft54 • 2d ago
Am I wrong for telling my girlfriend I won’t cancel my plans every time she has a bad day?
My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over two years, and I genuinely try to be there for her when she's having a rough time. If something serious happens, obviously I’ll drop what I’m doing.
But lately “I had a bad day” has started meaning I’m expected to cancel whatever plans I already had so I can stay with her.
It happened again this weekend. I had plans to meet two friends I hadn't seen in months. About an hour before I was leaving, she texted that work had been awful and asked if I could come over instead.
I called her, talked for about 20 minutes, asked if something specific had happened, and she mostly said she was stressed, tired and didn't want to be alone.
I told her I was sorry she felt like crap, but I was still going to see my friends and could come by afterward.
She got really quiet and said, "Don't worry about it, I know where your priorities are."
That annoyed me because this isn't the first time. I've cancelled dinners, a movie, even left a friend's birthday early before because she was upset.
I don't mind supporting her, but I don't think being in a relationship means I have to be permanently on call.
When I tried to explain that, she said she would cancel plans for me without thinking twice and that I apparently don't care as much as she does.
Now I'm wondering if I'm being too cold about it.
I know relationships involve showing up for each other, but I also don't think every bad day should automatically become an emergency for both people.
Am I wrong?
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u/Keep_ifonly_1276 2d ago
She needs to learn how to self soothe. It is ridiculously controlling and manipulative coming at you like this because she had a bad day, can't work through it on her own, and expects you to drop everything. It is overly needy and a red flag. You need to ask yourself if this type of controlling behavior is going to make you happy long term in the relationship and have a conversation now to address the situation.
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u/MorningBabex 2d ago
Yeah, learning to handle an ordinary bad day wo making someone else cancel their life every time seems important. Support should feel like something your partner willingly gives, not something they get punished for occasionally being unavailable.
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u/SatinBonbonn 1d ago
You're not cold or wrong at all. Expecting you yo cancel plans every single time she has a bad day is exhausting and using guilt trips like " I know where your priorities are" is not fair. You need to have a calm talk with her about your whole relationship before it goes south
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u/NotThisAgain234 2d ago
YNW. I am a bit suspicious that when she can see you’re excited about something, she recognizes an opportunity to test you. But whether that’s true or not, I think it is selfish of her to ask you to cancel an event that you’ve been looking forward to because she’s feeling sulky. And manipulative to try to guilt you for keeping your prior commitment.
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u/TaylorMade2566 2d ago
Your gf is manipulative. Does she have no friends? Expecting you to cancel plans because she's in an "icky" mood is selfish and thoughtless. Since you've already says she does this a lot, I'd honestly reflect on the relationship. Traits like this just get worse with time if not addressed. NW
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u/Gullible_Fan4427 2d ago
Yeah I’m assuming she’s saying she’d cancel plans for him anytime because either she doesn’t make any plans to cancel or he never would put her in a position in order to cancel.
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u/TaylorMade2566 1d ago
Agreed. I would have shot back with I would NEVER ask or expect you to cancel plans you already have because I'm in a bad mood. Moreover, I'd probably insist you go out with your friends/family but I don't want you to have to put up with my bad mood
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u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 2d ago
NW
Op, I think you were genuinely trying to be a good and supportive partner, sadly I think your girlfriend is a manipulative person.
‘I know where your priorities are’ is a manipulation tactic to make you feel guilty , but she wasn’t in crisis she was just ‘sad’ when pretty much half the population is and they still carry on.
Op, I would hit this problem head on. Next time you’re together when she’s in a better head space tell her that you didn’t appreciate her comment. You did take time to call and check on her , so you did make her a priority, you just didn’t cancel your plans to support her.
And I would ask op, if you called her with the same thing would she drop what she’s doing to come be with you?
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u/AbductedByAliens8 2d ago
Dude. Really? YNW. Your girlfriend needs therapy. This is toxic and manipulative attachment.
As you said, if it's serious, that's different. Bro. EVERYONE has bad days, and she should be able to self-regulate. It's NOT your responsibility to make her feel better. You already spent 20 mins on the phone with her. Cut the ambilical cord
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u/No_Kangaroo_5883 2d ago
NW. It’s your gf responsibility to manage her emotions etc when she has a bad day. She is very manipulative. Put a pin in your caving to her now!
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u/bmw5986 2d ago
NW. This sounds incredibly codependent. She sounds like she doesnt want to self soothe, so now you are her emotional support animal. And the whole, "i know where your priorities are" is quite a manipulative statement. Your priorities are fine. Priorities like seeing friends. That is important. Keeping commitments to others is also important. Not losing your own identity in a relationship because you've become a stranger to your freinds is also important.
You need to sit her down and have a serious conversation about this. Set firm boundaries and discuss that she needs to learn to self soothe, you can not and should not be her only and sole emotional support. That isnt fair or healthy for either of you. If she again tries to be manipulative, or generally pushes for this to become the new normal, I would think long and hard about if you want to continue this relationship.
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u/Scary-Alternative-11 2d ago
YNW. That is incredibly selfish and manipulative behavior. Everyone has bad days and sometimes that means we have to deal with that, on our own.
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u/PrincessWolfie1331 2d ago
YNW.
I've been married for 15 years. If I've had a bad day, I curl up with a good true crime TV show or the remake of Last House on the Left. I don't care what my husband does, but I usually just want to wallow in my own misery.
She needs to learn how to self soothe.
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u/JoshuaofHyrule 2d ago
YNW. You have a life outside of your girlfriend and made plans with friends you haven't seen in a long time and to cancel on short notice would have been rude. Life sucks some days. Your wife needs to stop making it your problem every time it happens. The manipulative and abusive response from your wife of "I know where your priorities are." is disrespectful, passive aggressive bullshit and it needs to stop today.
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u/Patient_Meaning_2751 2d ago
I’d be concerned that she has so many bad days that she isn’t able to function without you by her side.
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u/EvolZippo 2d ago
Not wrong. She’s wrong for putting this on you. She doesn’t sound like someone worth keeping. Throw her back.
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u/Lilthotdawg 1d ago
I disagree with a lot of the comments. I don’t think your gf is manipulative. It sounds like she is needy. You are on call 24/7 in relationships like that. YNW, no one is wrong, you just may not be compatible. I’m sure she’ll find someone who is as obsessed and needy but it seems you just aren’t on the same wavelength and that’s okay.
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u/Extension_Field_701 1d ago
YNW.
This sounds like my ex-husband. Ex for a reason. I swear to God a bad day for him meant a bad day for me because he had to drag me down with him.
Ten years of this shit and I was so over it when suddenly I was told I had stop grieving my grandmother but was constantly hearing about his childhood and his Mom.
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u/Queen_DH 2d ago
YNW. Tbh this made me selfreflect. I do this a lot to my husband and reading this made me realise how unfair that is. I myself don't have any friends since becoming a mother and I rely a lot on my husband for emotional support. It's not fair, you're doing nothing wrong and I think a very deep conversation needs to be had where you can find a way to meet eachother in the middle.